Narcissistic daughter

Charlotte - posted on 08/21/2014 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Thank you for being here. It's sad that we have to meet under this for him but reassuring that others are going through the same thing. My daughter is 31 and I've been feeling her wraths and she's age 14. She recently attended landmark forum which is a brainwashing mind control group in my opinion and now she has done a 180 and is all lovey-dovey. But I know this disorder and I don't trust her.

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Kathy - posted on 06/20/2015

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Charlotte, I believe only those moms of narcissistic kids can truly relate. They are so good at lying and putting on a front that professionals have told me that it's very difficult to diagnose. I, like you, know that my daughter is extremely narcissistic. She has no empathy, no conscience, the world is about her, she lives in a fantasy world, is neglectful of her child, shows no remorse, is very uncaring and is unable to show love or compassion. She is also a chronic liar, lazy and can't hold down a job. She's abusive and very controlling. I've lived with it for years....she's 24 and thankfully lives in another state. I've chosen to save myself. They will take you down to the lowest you can go and drain you of everything, mentally, physically and monetarily. No more for me.

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2014

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Unless you are actually a psychologist, then I'm sorry, you can't just go labelling people. I am simply saying that just because you and she don't get along and she treats you badly, doesn't mean it is all her, and symptomatic display of a disorder does not necessarily mean the said disorder is present. As someone who has studied psychology at university level AND works with children daily, I guarantee that you can't know that she has this disorder just by doing some reading. By labelling her, you are squarely placing all blame for your poor relationship with her into her lap and accepting no responsibility of your own.

And as I said, have you actually ever tried to talk to her about it? Has she given you any reason for treating you like this. I find it very hard to believe that there isn't something you have done or are doing that she resents or dislikes in some way.

I'm not quite sure why her behaviour humiliates you - she is an adult and responsible for her own behaviour, not you. As long as you continue to feel humiliated, you are, in a sense, owning her behaviour in some way.

Charlotte - posted on 08/24/2014

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Dear Jodi,

As I said, it's been years of abuse, lack of empathy, and the world revolves around her.
kids are supposed to outgrow natural narcissistic tendencies by now.
Every time I let my guard down and think she's grown up, BAM, she gives me an emotional barrage of verbal diarrhea. the woman who wrote they are emotional vampires, nailed it on the head.

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2014

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I think you are misunderstanding me. I am actually very concerned that by continuing to tell yourself that your daughter has a personality disorder (and not just something like parentali alienation), you may be overlooking some of the issues that have contributed to her behaviour, and therefore, may be brushing them aside. People have a tendency to use the label to explain away the behaviours and address only the symptoms and not get to the real root of the issues. But that's up to you. I'd just hate for you to be placing all the emphasis on the disorder and using the disorder as a reason not to try other ways of fixing the relationship.

If my daughter wouldn't talk to me, I would be incredibly hurt, upset and disappointed, but I wouldn't feel humiliated, because that indicates I owned her behaviour. Unless, of course, I had done something to CAUSE her to not talk to me, then I may feel somewhat humiliated, but you claim you have done nothing to create the tension between yourself and your daughter, so why the humiliation?

Charlotte - posted on 08/23/2014

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Jodi,
As an educator, I know observation is the first way to learn about a person. I am here for support, not an argument.

No parent is perfect.. We have tried therapy. If I blink the wrong way she flies off the handle. She moved out to live with my gay e. Husbands when she was 14. when I found is ad on line, and mentioned it I lost another year. If you were at your sins wedding and you adult daughter ignored you, I wonder hiw you would feel. Ir if you should your respect by going to an ex s. Family funeral and the entire ex s family including your daughter I pink red you,
Would you feel good about it? As I tasted I am not here to argue. She will be formally diagnosed soon, just like I researched my son was A.d.d.
If you have something supportive to share, please do, otherwise I would appreciate you not challenging me. My daughter has fooled many psychologists and I am very aware if what a narcissist is all about and maybe she is a sociopath as well.
Thank you for your consideration.

17 Comments

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Sweatman - posted on 03/27/2016

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Charlotte , I have an adult daughter that had acted much the same way. Early on I was able to her to go to therapy with me but now she refuses saying there is nothing wrong. She's never been diagnosed as having NPD but everything I read describes her to a T. It started out with her telling me she was angry about the fact that I divorced her Dad. I have 3 beautiful grandchildren and when the oldest, now 9, was born she wouldn't even let me hold him. She tends to use the children as control ( if I don't challenge Her or make her angry then I can see them). The odd thing is that all of these issues first became evident when she had her first child. Before that we had a seemingly wonderful relationship. It's definitely a control issue but she's exhibited other symptoms similar to those of someone with NPD also. If there are any good reference materials or books on this subject I would love to know of them. Or on-line support groups as well.
Best of luck.

Camvalerie2 - posted on 09/30/2015

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after reading the comments its almost as we are raising the same child. very draining dont know if they are going to love you one minute hate you the next minute so you will always be weary and have your guard up. its an emotional roller coaster you love them but it is a relief when they are mad at you because when they are in the lovey dovey mode you almost want to put your guard down which will be a big mistake cause those love you moments are temporary.

Lisa - posted on 11/22/2014

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Hi Charlotte. I don't think my daughter does have a sole. I think the hardest thing that I consistantly have a problem with is that she does not love me and that is so hard to accept.

Chit - posted on 09/03/2014

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My daughter did not even visit me or called me when u had a major surgery. When she was 5 years old, her own grandmother who loved her was breaking her heart when she said to me that my young daughter doesn't seem to have a soul

Jodi - posted on 08/24/2014

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That's why I'm suggesting not to let your guard down if that's what protects you. Have you been to a counsellor about this, just for yourself?

Jodi - posted on 08/24/2014

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In your shoes, I would give her a chance. It's only been a few days. Remain skeptical if you want, if that helps you protect yourself, but give her the chance.

Charlotte - posted on 08/24/2014

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Jodi,
I am sorry if I gave you an impression that I did nothing wrong. All parents make mistakes.
Her father as some parents in divorce do, is to brainwash their children. It's called p.s.a.
Parental alienation syndrome, There are many factors. I have an older son who is bi polar, dx. By two psychiatrists. my ex enhanced My daughters personality.
I felt humiliated being ignored at family events where it was mainly the ex or solely the exs family present. I am sure his family saw my daughter ignoring me which makes me look like the baddy. To me that is subtle humiliation. Due to the divorce she has become attached to a man older than me! She has trust issues as her father nevr set boundaries in her growing up. He made her his friend. She has turned around externally from landmark forum. Check them out. People say they are a cult in the
sense they brainwash you through degrading you. Change is internal, not external in. My opinion, now she acts like a stepford . Child, ( the movie),apologizing, over the top words of praise about my parenting when she was younger. She drank the koolaid, so to speak, overnight. I don't trust her. She turns on a dime, with lack id empathy and her temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way is alienation. She has a successful dance business and she loves the attention. I am hoping she will be formally dx. Soon.
Until then I don't wish to continue this dialogue. Thank you.

Charlotte - posted on 08/22/2014

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Jodi,
I am 61 years old. I have read extensively on different personality disorders.
As you know, the narcissist doesn't go voluntarily for help. The rage and years of alienation since she is 14 has been on going. She has no empathy and has her father is also I. Love with himself. She models his behavior. She had her epiphany after an intense mind control seminar a few days ago. I am. It getting back in the merry go round again. I was ignored at my sons wedding, in 2010' ignored at her grand fathes funeral. Her behavior humiliates me. I am hopeful she will see an expert I found in this field in the next two weeks. It's very hard to find therapists where I live who have experience with this.
I have learned to detach from her as someone said, I think on this forum, they are
"emotional vampires." I would appreciate your support and not arguing.
Thank you.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2014

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You need to stop labelling her as narcissistic unless you have an actual diagnosis. She doesn't have a disorder, you just don't like the way she has been treating you. But now you are complaining that she is being nice to you? Who is to say she hasn't actually had some sort of epiphany and changed her attitude? It does happen. Maybe you just need to go with it and hope she has actually changed her view on the relationship. Have you tried to talk to her about it?

Charlotte - posted on 08/22/2014

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It us based on everything I have read. I am not a wordy person. She is all about herself,
Never been there fir me during many surgeries implies I am a victum and should find others to help. She lives right up the street. Her father is very narcissitic too.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2014

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Nothing in your post has really addressed that she is narcissistic, just that she has been angry at you and now is trying to make that up. Has she actually been diagnosed narcissistic? Or are you merely using that to describe her behaviour since she was 14?

That she has been brainwashed is only your opinion, and not necessarily fact. Maybe she HAS actually had a change of heart.

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