Need Advice

Michele - posted on 07/17/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My 18 year old just said he is moving in to his Dad's house with his girlfriend who had had an affair with that caused us to divorce. He has been a Disneyland Dad the past 7 years and hardly supported his son. However, he planned with my son, to take all his clothes and stuff from his room and sneak them to his Dad's house.
My son finally talks to me after two days on the phone I am paying for and the phone bill I am paying for and says that he is a man and wants to live with them now. That he believes them that they did not have an affair even though our families (her ex) always did things together.
I supported him through high school and his activities as his dad and girlfriend did nothing or attended very little of his activities.
I am hurt, devastated on how my son has turned against me but expects me to continue to pay for his phone and bill and his car insurance. I leased a car for him to drive while at my house so now I am stuck with a second car and insurance payments. How do I move on? I can't stop him as he's 18 but what to do or think? I paid the first semester of college as his dad refused so who knows if he will go when it starts next month. Please advise on how to live without him?

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Jodi - posted on 07/17/2016

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Your son was 11 at the time. I doubt he put two and two together that dad was having an affair while he was with you just because dad had moved out from you and in with her. Kids are more simplistic than that. All I am saying is that dad's infidelity should have no consideration in this, but it seems to me that you can't move on from it. Your son shouldn't be choosing "sides" at all, let alone you feeling bent out of shape because he was the one who was unfaithful. Your son has no need to take that into account because that is YOUR issue, not his.

Michele - posted on 07/17/2016

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Jodi

To answer your question
Unfortunately he found out about the affair based on circumstances. Our families used to take vacations and spend lots of time together with common interests and hobbies. My son and one of her kids were best friends.
When I discovered emails and overhead a phone call then saw them kissing between the two of them, I questioned my ex.
He denied it saying they were "just friends" but he then moved out and her ex moved out and he moved into her house. My son then had to go there for his time with his Dad. We went to family counseling and his dad told him she was his girlfriend now not mom. He put two and two together.

I have tried to raise him right and teach him faithfulness to relationships and friendships. So it's tough hearing he thinks this is okay to go from one relationship to the next now.

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2016

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I am curious as to why this child even knows of the affair. It is none of his business why you broke up in the first place and it sounds to me like you decided he should be kept in the loop.

Basically, he is an adult and there is nothing you CAN do. If he wants to live with dad, he can legally live with dad. However, you ca stop paying for his phone and you can repossess the car and return it. You can also stop financing his life any further if you choose.

By choosing to live with his dad, it doesn't mean your son has turned against you, just that he wants to live with dad. It isn't a competition. Or do you think he has turned against you because he believes dad and the girlfriend never had an affair (which he should never really have known about anyway)? You could invite him over for dinner occasionally, or treat him to an outing together as a way of maintaining a positive connection with him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/17/2016

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Terminate the lease on the vehicle, for one, and let him know that the current month of service on the phone is the last you will pay for.

I do have to put in that leasing a car for an 18 yo teaches them the value of nothing anyway, and he should be paying for his own cell phone. He is an adult, and does have the right to live wherever he chooses. What he believes or does not believe about his father's fidelity or lack is his business as well.

Love him no matter where he lives. Find hobbies or activities that you enjoy, and let yourself have a life.

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