Need advice

Kim - posted on 07/14/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am currently 24 weeks pregnant and emotionally drained. I met my bd 5 yrs ago, he is 20 yrs old and I am 22, we’ve been always on and off because I didn’t want to settle with someone who kept doing drugs but I do love him. His family was like my second family and I was always with them from the day I was introduced to them. When I told my bd that I was pregnant he seemed excited and wanted to be supportive, along with his parents. I was not thrilled when I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to be married first but I got over that as my pregnancy progressed. Well two months after I told my bd and his parents I was pregnant, I found out that another girl was seeing him and they all kept it a secret from me. I don’t understand why they would deny that they talk to her and etc. Well I confronted my bd mother about her saying she doesn’t talk to this girl he is seeing and she still denied associating with her even though I noticed a missed call from her on his moms phone. After that I haven’t heard from my bd and his family, then now I see his mom hanging with this girl all the time. So three weeks ago I finally decided to go talk to my bd in person at the jail (he’s been locked up since this 24 yr old girl started seeing him for a DUID, he is addicted to drugs but says he is done with drugs), well he denied my visit and decided to use his time for his new girl. So a week after that I went camping for my birthday and guess what?! He calls me on my birthday, I didn’t answer! Then his mom sends flowers to my house on my birthday! I don’t understand what their mission is but I am seriously an emotional wreck. For yrs I loved his family and him and I don’t understand. What the heck is going on? What do you think? What would you do? Oh and p.s. I guess his mom told his new girl not to listen or talk to me because I will feed her poison just to ruin what they have, but yet she sends me flowers on my bday?

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Ev - posted on 07/14/2013

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To answer the questions:

Change the number: Yes, I would change the number that way his family can not get a hold of you and cause you more grief.

Going home is a good choice for you to make.

Letters: I would send him letters anyway, and if he tosses them its his loss in finding out. In the long run, since he knows you carry his child, he can and may try to get some sort of contact going with you over the child. Its best to seek a lawyer's advice now and get things going for custody, visitation and child support. If you do not get it in writing and through the court system, he could come and take the child and you would not be able to do a thing about it. When you do finally get the custody into court (it won't happen until the baby is born and paternity is set), make sure to have records of his jail time, his criminal record, and other documented things to prove him not fit to have the child alone and get supervised visits. His record prior to being 18 is not going to be used in court because he was a minor at the time. You can not keep the father out of the kid's life but you can at least get yourself in a situation where you have full custody and can control some of what goes on with your baby.

Walking away might hurt you in the end like I said if he should decide to come back and try to get custody for himself. If you follow this advice and that of what others here offer, you stand a better chance in keeping your child safe.

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Monica - posted on 07/17/2013

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Im In A Some What Same Situation! I Met My BD 5 Years Ago As Well N Now Hes 21 N Im 23 We Have A 4 Year Old Daughter He Does See Her Unfortunately And Stuck Living With His Family As He Still Does Drugs N No GED Or Middle School Diploma Not Even A Job. Take My Advice N Walk Away From It You Be Stronger With Out Him If This Is How They Will Be! You Can Be A Mother And Father For That Child And Shun Them Out As They Did To You. If He Is No Good In Jail Let Alone Cheating Then There Is No Point To Bring The Baby Into Something That Isnt Right! You Can Do Better Being A Single Mother Then Come Bk Into A Relationship Tht May Not Even Be Serious In The End Even When It Comes To The Family. Ik The Feeling Im Stuck Here With Being Hurt Along With Emotionally N Still Cant Get Out On A Dead End Job! Protect Ur Self And The Bby Before You End Up In A Bad Situation That You Cant Get Your Self Out Of!!

Ev - posted on 07/15/2013

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You need to ask what to expect in all things. Ask about custody as far as getting full custody but also ask about joint custody and what that entails. child support, visitation and all that. Ask that if he is not married to a woman or related to her that she not be staying over night with your child in the house on the custody and visitation papers. Your child does not need to see or experience dad having women staying over. As to see if you can have visitation set up to your expectations...but do not go over board with it. You can ask for too little for the father and the judge won't like it.

Kim - posted on 07/15/2013

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Evelyn I have one more question, when I go see my lawyer this week what kind of questions would you ask?

Kim - posted on 07/14/2013

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Candice,
Thank you for your advice as well, I will make copies of everything I mail him. I did send him letters when I first found out I was pregnant, which I did not make a copy of but from here on out I will do that. I am just going to send him pics of the ultra sounds and not write him anything till I speak to my lawyer.

Candice - posted on 07/14/2013

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Hi Kim,
If you decide to send letters make sure you keep copies and document everything, that way you have proof of the content. Custody can be tricky I have family still fighting to prove behavior after 3 years because "he said she said" doesn't hold up in court.

Ev - posted on 07/14/2013

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Actually the court would look at it as bad if you keep the father out of his child's life. As for the records, once you do hire a lawyer, he or she should be able to get them if not they can tell you how to go about getting them. As for the court saying that about dad being a bad person, if you try to keep the child away they will want to know why you did that. Father can try for visitation and custody just the same as you can. If the evidence is clear to a judge that the father is not a safe person around a baby and young child, that judge will do supervised visits or none at all depending on situations.

Kim - posted on 07/14/2013

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So if I send him letters about my babies growth and etc, the courts can't hold that against me? For example, if I am fighting for full custody the judge wont say if he was that bad of a person why were you trying to keep him involved? When I hire my lawyer will he provide or get a hold of my bd records or should I purchase them on CBI?

Kim - posted on 07/14/2013

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Thank you Evelyn, I really appreciate your advice. When you say do not contact his family, do you think its just best if I change my number? I am planning on moving back home, which is far from where I am living now (my parents are tired of this family playing with my emotions and so am I, so its best to live far from them). When you say to keep him updated on my pregnancy, would you write him letters? I can't call him since he is in jail, and he never calls me so theirs not much I can do but I don't think I should bother. Don't you think if I just walk away from all of this and not even bother keeping him updated? Not to mention, my bd has a record, he's been to rehab twice (accomplished one), in jail four times (was charged with I believe Assault and DUID) his drug use is what lead to those two charges, was in youth detentions in high school and not to mention he was injecting meth and pills. I always have loved this guy, not sure why but now that my baby is in my life I want to do whats in the best interest of my baby which I believe is walking away. I enjoy seeking advice from others because I have never been a mother and before I was pregnant I didn't think about who I was involving myself with because I was so blinded and ignorant. Do you think I should hire a lawyer now and figure everything I need to do to get full custody of my baby?

Ev - posted on 07/14/2013

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Well, its time to stop the drama. Do not contact his family at all. Do not get into it about the GF he has even. She is not your worry, the baby is. Concentrate on that. I would not stay involved with a man who has a drug problem. He is in denial if he keeps saying things like he is not doing it no more or has not done it again yet has a DUID and is in jail for it. With the flowers and calls for your birthday, they are trying to get on your good side....send back the flowers and refuse the calls. I would keep the dad up to date about the pregnancy thought but that is it. If this guy is going to go behind your back and have another girl on his arm, what makes you think he is not going to do so again and maybe do it to her? Once your child is born, get a lawyer and set up custody and support for your child. Make him responsible too. But do not go back to him. His drug problem does not need to be yours.

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