Need advice about overbearing Grandma

BJ - posted on 07/11/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I am 33 and happily married for almost 7 years now. When I had my first child 2 years ago my mother was at the hospital (not in the delivery room) and was a bit outrageous. She wanted to spend every night at the hospital (not my husband/father of the child), put the car seat in her car and drive the baby home, move in with me for "several" months to help, etc. None of these expectations were mentioned to me beforehand. It was several days of arguing and, sadly, hurt feelings as I had to explain that these things would not be happening. As we are approaching the birth of our 2nd child, to be delivered by scheduled cesarean, I had the sad task of explaining to my mother that my husband and I had decided to have the grandparents visit the next day. We thought it would make things less stressful for us, lay the expectations on the table now, and give our daughter some time to adjust without having tons of people around. I am a nurse at the hospital where we will deliver and I have also asked coworkers and friends to refrain from visiting until the next day so this isn't just a "only grandma" thing. My mother tends to be a dramatic and I was expecting some blowback but not her actual reaction. She had my father call me the day before my final 3D ultra sound to tell me they would not be attending because it was clear I didn't want her there. He also explained they were very upset with me about having scheduled visits. When I asked for elaboration, he stated
1) This ultrasound was by invite
2) The granddaughter's birthday is by invite and not on her actual birthday
3) We have a list of holidays which are allowed to visit.

I tried to explain that ultrasounds and birthday parties have to be planned ahead of time and invites are necessary. As for holidays, we split major dates equally between both sides of the family. They live several hours away and would like to show up without calling ahead of time. As a night nurse, I work a very non-traditional schedule. My husband travels a good bit for work and my daughter has her own set of activities. This being said, yes I would prefer a call before you show up and we aren't home or I just got off work and only want to kiss my child and go to bed.

I don't feel that my requests are unreasonable but maybe they are. I am truly hurt and saddened they didn't show up to the ultrasound and I had to lie to all of our family on both sides about why they weren't there. Am I wrong for wanting a drama-free delivery and expecting a call before they come? Any advice on how to fix this is welcome.

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Dove - posted on 07/12/2015

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If they don't think you are being reasonable (you ARE)... then it is totally their right to stop being involved. Personally speaking, I'd rather have them uninvolved than overbearing... even if it does hurt.

Sadie - posted on 07/12/2015

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If she chose not to attend, I would confront her about it and tell her how hurt you are and inform her that if she chooses not to attend things like these something drastic will happen like not letting her be in her life period. You as a working mom trying to raise(now 2) children should not have to deal with the stress of an overbearing grandparent trying to dictate your decisions and raise your children for you. I would lay down the law.

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