Need advice - daughter is watching porn!!

Stacey - posted on 02/15/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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i'm a single mom (divorced) and I need advice as i have run out of ideas. My little angel has been watching porn! She is 12 and I discovered porn on her laptop one evening when she forgot to log out of the computer before she went for a shower. This is the 2nd time this has happened.

The first time (a few months ago) I sat her down and asked her about why she had searched for it. She said she was curious about sex because people were talking about it at school. Now i consider myself quite a liberal and approachable mom and I know my daughter and I are close, which is something I don't want to jeperdise. So i never got mad at her and gave her a little talk on sex and reproduction and explained that it is something adults do ideally when they are in love. I also got her some age-appropriate books.

Though she seemed to appreciate the chat, she didn't understand why she couldn't watch porn - i tried to explain that it objectifies women (in simple terms obviously) and so it is unrealistic and unhealthy.
So i thought I had ticked all the boxes and was very proud of myself. But then a few days ago I walked past her room and heard sex sounds from her bedroom. Scared a boy was in there, I opened it and found it was just her but she was masturbating to porn. Given she was masturbating and naked from the waist down, I didn't want to embarrass her so I didn't say anything at that point apart from "Meet me in my room in 1 minute", giving her a few seconds to compose herself. When we spoke I told her I was disappointed she ignored my advice. She said she watches it because "it's beautiful and makes me feel good". I didn't know what to say.
So I looked at what she had been watching and to my surprise it wasn't anything like the porn I had last seen several years ago - there was no swearing (no talking in fact), just two (outrageously good looking people) having sex and even the "ending" was what normal couples do. To put it simply i have to admit it was tastefully done (and trust me i'm no fan of porn myself) and did not seem to objectify the woman at all (i think it was "xxart" or something like that). So now my main argument was gone.

The only option left I can think of is to put on internet restrictions. However my girl is very tech-savvy and will almost certainly find a way around it. Also I pride myself on being a mother who is able to explain to my child why I believe something is wrong rather than just enforcing rules and I think I will now struggle on this occasion!

Now I know my ex-husband used to watch porn at her age (and it didn't do him any harm - he was a gentle, decent lover) and speaking to a close friend her husband did as well and she thinks so does her son.
She told me she'd rather her child getting off on porn than searching for sexual satisfaction in the real world with other children and risking pregnancy/sti's, and so i shouldn't be too worried about it.

What do you all think!? I'm on the verge of giving up!! PLEASE help!

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Ev - posted on 02/15/2014

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I have to agree with Jodi on this one. She is too young to be watching that stuff and in a lot of instances its illegal. Porn is for adults, I do not whatsoever agree with it but some do. What I do not agree with is letting the child have tech on their own at this age. You need to put that computer in a public place in the house ie. livingroom, kitchen table, or other places that are open. She should be only doing what a 12 year old should be doing online such as playing kid friendly games for her age, doing her homework, and maybe looking at the news or other things like that. This way you can see what she is doing and keep track of it. Also if you had no rules before, It is time now.

Jodi - posted on 02/15/2014

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If your daughter can find a way around your internet restrictions, then you aren't doing your job. Sorry, but any parent should know how to remove electronics from their child. It's not that difficult. You just put your hand out and tell them to hand it over. Your daughter is 12. She should NOT be watching adults have sex.

You pride yourself on being a mother who doesn't enforce rules? Are you kidding me? If you have rules, you need to enforce them. Otherwise having them is pointless in the first place. If you continue with this attitude, I wish you well for the future. Believe it or not, children PUSH the boundaries because they are trying to find the boundaries. if you decide to continue expanding your boundaries by not having consequences, your daughter will continue to expand her boundaries (because there actually aren't any), and before you know it, it will be totally out of control.

It is actually possible to be the parent who educates and discusses AND have boundaries too. If you don't know how to do that, then some parenting classes may be in order.

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Jodi - posted on 02/23/2014

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Have you considered putting a password on it? Or controlling her WiFi? Password your WiFi so that she CAN'T get into it. You absolutely CAN control her usage of it 24/7. As I said, you just give it back to her for her homework, and that is it. You are the parent. Act like one.

Stacey - posted on 02/23/2014

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I have moved the computer to the lounge but I cannot watch her 24/7 to check what she is up to! So moving it to a public place only helps so much. I cant ban her from using electronics (the computer) becuase she needs it for her homework - Im sure you are aware so much of kid's work these days rely upon electronics. She is a straight A student and I don't want to jeperdise that.
I know she should not be watching adults have sex - thats the whole point in me asking this question. If I didn't know that I wouldn;t have bothered in the first place. Any more suggestions people?

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