Need advice for co-parenting

Katrina - posted on 03/31/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )




I have 3 kids with ex boyfriend, I'm now pregnant with 4th child. As much as I love my children and want the very best for them all. I've decided to cut off all communication from their dad. We were together for 5 years and we parted ways 3 months ago, Im 22 years old and I had my own place since I was 18. My kids dad has never worked to help pay bills while we lived together and I loss my job and got evicted last year, so we moved to his moms. Unfortunately she no longer wanted me and our children there because she felt that we were holding her son back. Very odd huh? Well that was 3 months ago and since we left he hasn't found a job. He doesn't send any money for their necessities and I'm not working because I'm pregnant. However a couple of days ago he asked if his mom can bring them something's. I told him to let her keep it and to never call or text because my kids deserve better. Did I make a wise decision?


Jodi - posted on 03/31/2015




I agree with Michelle. You don't have that right. He is still the father of those children and he has rights to see them. Whether he ever paid anything or not, he has rights. Your children are not up for rent or sale.

Did you make a wise decision? No. Every time you deny him a right to see his children and develop a relationship with them, he has evidence of parental alienation. If he takes you to court for custody and has evidence that you are denying him any are likely to lose. And you may lost custody altogether. It happens.

You need to set up custody orders and a visitation schedule and also file for child support.

Also, I'm not sure why you headed this with the title "Need advice for co-parenting". What you are suggesting is not co-parenting.

Michelle - posted on 03/31/2015




You don't have the right to cut off contact with your children's Father. They have the right to have a relationship with him and him with them.
Just because you don't like the choices he has made doesn't mean you can dictate when he sees them.
I suggest you get yourself a lawyer and get custody and visitation sorted out ASAP.
He was good enough to have 4 children with so he mustn't be that bad!

ETA: I have done 50/50 shared care for 10 years with my oldest 2 so I know what it takes to Co-Parent. I also don't like my ex but my children deserve to make their own minds up about him.

Tina - posted on 03/31/2015




I don't know if this is the wisest decision. If he'd never been with them at all it'd be different but he was involved in the children's lives the entire time. Then he showed an interest in bringing them things, does he want to see them at all?

A better idea may be to get the courts involved and set up a visitation schedule as well as child support. He should be paying for his kids and, for their sake, he should be visiting them.

Also you aren't saying the dad is abusive or an addict or he's doing horrible things you're just saying he can't hold a job or pay bills, and although this is sucky, it isn't what I'd personally consider as a good reason to break off all communication.

If I were you I'd tell him he needs to pay child support and if he doesn't agree then take him to court, if he's looking for visitation to see them he should get that as well IMO, possibly every other weekend at his moms house. That type of thing isn't unreasonable but breaking all contact with their father who's been in their lives their whole life is probably fairly traumatizing to a child if the dad isn't being abusive.

Although it is shitty and they DO deserve better kids don't understand child support, they understand that their dads not around and that is pretty hard to deal with.

Once again I'm not against people cutting off contact with ex's, my son has no contact with his dad. The reasons for this are because I feel my child is unsafe in his care, not because of financial reasons (although he'd also never offer to pay for anything ever).


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Michelle - posted on 04/01/2015




Child support and visitation are 2 completely different issues. You can't deny him seeing his children even if he isn't paying child support.
You're children are not possessions that you can hold to ransom and that's what you do if you deny visitation if he doesn't pay.

Katrina - posted on 04/01/2015




Thanks everyone, I've been indecisive about this but you all have really helped. Its not that I don't want him and our children to have a relationship, I want them too. Also, He's on child support and he has been for years and he doesn't pay. they have a great relationship. I guess I'm just tired of it. Well...I'll pray about it and leave it in Gods hand He knows best. I just want him to be responsible. He's 32 years old and I'm 22 he should be doing more. But thanks again everyone I really appreciate your advice

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/31/2015




Short answer? No, you sure didn't make a 'wise' decision. You made an emotional one that I'm betting can't be backed up legally.

BTW: You're not looking for advice for coparenting, you're looking to have someone tell you that its ok to arbitrarily deny the children's father his right to have a relationship with his children.

No, that is NOT ok. Be an adult. Get orders in place. Abide by them. Communicate with your ex. THEN you can claim to be co parenting.

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015




I think the other ladies have covered the bases. If he wants to be in their lives, then he has a right to be. 4 kids at 22 is not choosing wisely. Cutting their dad out of their lives is not choosing wisely.

Here's the wise thing: got to court and get custody, visitation, and child support put in place. Then abide be the courts decision and work with your ex (even if you don't like him) to help your children form their own relationship with their father.

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