Need advice from moms w/ no family support and how to deal?

Alexandra - posted on 04/07/2014 ( 36 moms have responded )

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We have had a very difficult 2 years .When our son was born we had no family support and both grand moms disappeared. They made us think they were so excited and would be here when the baby was born and not one person helped us when we came from the hospital and still no support 2 years later. We are new parents , difficult labor and very traumatic time. We had to hire a nanny because we did not know what to do. In the process of no family support we had 5 nanny's within a year that all stole from us and one doing drugs. One of them sued us for extra money and the other we sponsored from Brazil was headed in that direction and had to let go due to her starting insurance scams. While spending thousands of dollars are retired moms sit back and let everyone take advantage of us . They said we are the parents and are responsibility and that we made very bad decisions and did not ask the right questions. Later last year I lost my job to care for our son since we did not want anyone in our home and has been getting worse with family. They are completely selfish and say that they did it and what is the problem? We have rushed into paying for childcare to keep our sanity and jobs with no guidance. I apologize in advance for dumping our life story on everyone, but I am at my wits-end in figuring out where do I go from here? I'm not sure if I should spend any energy in having my son around these people at all, for I am afraid that he will pick up on the wrong values. Are bad grandparents better than no grandparents at all in this situation? Thank you in advance everyone.

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Momma - posted on 04/26/2016

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I realize this is an old post , however, I hope that the original poster gets the chance to read this. I am completely blown away by how many people were so quick to jump on you for this post. You were attacked. Not at all did you sound like you expected your parents to raise your children or take care of your responsibilities. Clearly some people have the wrong definition of support. There comes a point where parents should help their children by occasionally helping with grandchildren. There comes a point where mothers would care enough about their adult children's situation to lend a hand here at there. That is how your mother should show love for you so then you can in turn do what's best for your kids. It sounds to me your mothers gave up on being parents because you guys are "adults" and said I'm done...you guys are grown up...don't call me for anything. That IS selfish. There is a kind of wisdom grandparents have from living a longer life than you and you should be able to call when you stumble so you get back in the right direction. Also , it doesn't kill a grandparent to watch their grandkids especially so that the mother and father can take care of things that would benefit the kids. I heard so much pride coming from single mothers who do everything without help and what not.They should have been the ones rooting for you and your husband to get support. I heard people bring up teenage mothers who are immature like somehow that relates to you. How dare they judge. Have as many children as you want. You came on here looking for support because you want good things for your children. Like EVERY MOTHER, you needed help.You sound like a concerned mother who is trying to do everything for your children and you and your husband have limited direction with limited SUPPORT. I hope you are doing better and have found different ways to manage everything and found good childcare. To the lady with the full time job and MBA...I can't believe with all of that education you couldn't provide anymore resources for this mother.I'm so happy that you were able to do all of that and be single with kids. May the Lord humble you.

Leela - posted on 04/14/2014

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Firstly Alexandra I was not bragging. I am a single parent and the grandparents CHOSE to help because of the stress involved. That said, I'm still the person running around with school, extracurricular etc. I've had to stay home when my child is ill because I know he's my child - not theirs. You asked for an opinion and when it's not what you want to hear we are ignorant, uneducated etc. Btw I'm a professional with a MBA who studied and raised her child while working a full time job. Get a grip and get off the internet and go find a solution with your partner - there are two of you, that's more support than many people have. I just hope he's not as spoiled or feels as entitled as you do. Oh and get on birth control ASAP because you're obviously not ready for kids.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/14/2014

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My dear, you made it blatantly clear that you did not expect your parents to take 'interest' in your kids, but to jump up to sit for them whenever you called, or to fill in for you at the least notice, or...basically you made it sound like all of your child rearing problems are directly related to your parents' lack of involvement.

The thing is...all of your 'problems' are something that we've ALL gone through. The difference? None of us expected our parents to tell us what to do, how to do it, etc. We knew that (for example) if we were arranging care for our kids, it was up to US to do the research on childcare facilities...not wait for our parents to tell us to use one or the other.

Furthermore, the only disrespect being shown on this board is that from you, towards people who aren't in full agreement with your selfish ways.

Mama2bear14 - posted on 02/17/2017

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I'm sorry everyone was an asshole to you Alexandria. I understand completely. They say to as for help, it takes a village blah blah blah. But when it comes to that everyone then pulls the "I did it" card. Well guess what? I'm not you! I need help sometimes. It has nothing to do with being ready for kids. Everyone has their own reasons for reaching out. But when you reach out for help the first person you think of is your parents. Take that away & then you're scrambling. Here's food for thought. Instead of talking shit to someone who's scrambling how about you help? So Alexandria & other moms like me that are about to have a mental breakdown, I am working with a public health nurse who's helping me get a break. I don't know what programs are out there in all areas but the one in my area provides respite care to help mom's keep their minds from breaking. It's not a lot of time but it's time. Also, there's playgroups through programs too with people running it that can help with your questions & needs. If you have insurance then it should pay for it or part of it. Services are out there. I suggest going to your local human services office to talk to someone. Also, there are groups with like minded people that you can connect with. I think there's an app called meetups that you can try. Also, lol, counseling helps a lot. Individual & family. Counselor's know a lot of what's out there.

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Evasmall - posted on 12/11/2016

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I am sorry you have had such a difficult time raising your son. The hope is that raising children will be a joy and not so much hardship, grandparents should help out as much as they are able.
I think the amount of time you spend with grandparents should be determined by how much you feel comfortable. The relationship you have with them is different than the relationship your children have with them, therefore protect their ability to know their grandparents, for good or bad, it is important for them to have some sort of relationship, however small it may be.

CRAFTYCHICK - posted on 04/14/2014

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Join the club honey, mine don't show an interest in mine either they don't have to and that's fine. Why? Because they have me and a mothers love is all they need. If your raising your child to think the world revolves around them "which it doesn't" your already out of context. The world revolves around nobody and waits for nobody so you can put that comment in the deletion bucket if the world revolved around your son he would be a president or a king and even then it wouldn't revolve around him. I wonder and am curious of your age, since you claim "this new generation" isn't raising their children right and I'm also curious of your education background since you seem to be so "educated" If I'm still not understanding what your trying to say, then maybe you should make a post that makes more sense of the problem instead of you complaining.

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2014

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No one is abusing you Alexandra, we just aren't agreeing completely with what you've written. That's not "verbal uneducated abuse", it's called voicing an opinion. You are the one getting abusive.
I have never had help from any of my children's grandparents but I don't blame the lack of support on the choices I've made either. I made sure I chose the daycare carefully and did my research. My children also only have 1 grandparent in the same country so they don't get to see them at all.

Alexandra - posted on 04/13/2014

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It's so simple! Grandparents should show an interest not raise grand kids! You girls don't get it! All we expected is for someone to show an interest ! We don't need this kind of verbal uneducated abuse!

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2014

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There is a big difference between having the grandparents raising their grandchildren and being "good" grandparents.
I believe that you have decided to have children so it's your responsibility to raise them. It's the grandparents job to have fun and spoil their grandchildren. They have don't their job of raising children, it's now their time to enjoy life the way they choose, not be tied down looking after the next generation.
The bad choices you have made have nothing to do with the grandparents, they have been your choices. You need to take responsibility for them, not blame the grandparents at all.

CRAFTYCHICK - posted on 04/13/2014

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Okay if were soooo undeucated then why are you asking people for help on the internet obviously you are the one at fault. Morals? Honey you have none yourself. Or you wouldn't be asking us if its right about the way you have your feelings torwards your mother and mom in law morals are knowing right from wrong which obviously you don't. Ignorant people like yourself will say that people like my self have no class because when you ask us something and we tell you the truth you don't want to hear it therefore you see it as a form of disrespect and no class. Good luck raising your "grandkids" when your having a hard enough time raising your kids. This is exactly what I'm talking about you need to be focusing on yourself and your kids!!!!! Not worrying about raising grandkids that aren't even born yet geeeez ! My comments have nothing to do with the "new"generation either I was raised how everyone else in my family was and they are much older than you and this way of raising our kids has been in my family for years. This "new generation" you speak of is people like you that have kids and expect their parents to help with everything while they also live off the system and have no clue what to do with the "stress" of being a parent. Grow up raise your chil by yourself since you are a "mother" its your job ! It should be a blessing but from your post it sounds like being a mom would be a job to you instead of a blessing smh! Women like you really make me angry because you expect the world and you expect people to feel sorry for you well I sure don't and just like my father always said " the world doesn't revolve around you honey" SIMPLE AS THIS GROW UP!

Alexandra - posted on 04/13/2014

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How dare you brag about your parents! !! When we are going through a very difficult time. Shows how's ignorant you are! I don't appreciate advise from everyone that has help. You have no idea how hard it has been with no support from anyone!! Good for you! It's very disrespectful !!!

Leela - posted on 04/13/2014

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I'm very blessed to have great support from both sets of grandparents. That said, I do not expect them to worry about day to day things or provide financial support. You expect a lot from them and they've made it clear that it isn't happening. Use your energy wisely instead of fighting or being angry with them.

Denise - posted on 04/12/2014

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I am a grandparent, who's helping mom raise her child, why because she was very very young when she had her. She herself even now is still immature. I think grandparents should have involvement not to the extent you want but at least a weekend or 2 here and there. Thats how grandparents become so special. I wish I could be a weekend grandmommy, but I am a 2nd mommy, and that to is special but it also means I bear a lot of responsibility in helping my grandbaby grow up differently. I dont get the luxury of spoiling and sending back. You sound like you want the grandparents to take it all on, believe me, if I could do it differently I would. I dont want to raise more kids, I want to spoil them love them and then give them back. When we choose to have children it is not our parents job to help us raise them.

Alexandra - posted on 04/12/2014

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It's as simple as this! No class, no morals and uneducated comments. I will gladly raise my grand kids because I have values unlike the selfish new generation! You're all full of it!

CRAFTYCHICK - posted on 04/12/2014

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Shawwn I totally agree with you I was raised the same way and I am too a young mom but that is not an excuse for expecting parents/grandparents to raise "my" kids this post is out of control . If your family members want to be a part of your childs life that should be up to them not you. Thank god your baby has two parents and not just one you need to focus on yourself and your child that is it because when it comes down to it that's all that truely matters I'm 22and going to be a mother of 3 come june I wanted kids and wanted a big family due to me being an only child and not having a very supportive family whatsoever. My childrens father was around half of the time in their lives as well I don't get help or have anyone to watch my children either but I manage their is no excuses when it comes to having children you had them they are yours and they are your responsibilty period!

Jodi - posted on 04/11/2014

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"So, yes she's got a right to dictate how the grandparents interact with the child at least when it comes to safety."

That's not what I was referring to, nor what the OP was referring to. There was no question of safety indicated anywhere.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/11/2014

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Oh, and Alexandra? I have RAISED my kids, without expecting my parents to do so. They are wonderful young men, thank you for your 'concern' about my parenting methods.

I learned the lesson that you need to learn. I learned it early on. My life has been happier and much less stressful since I stopped expecting my mother to be involved.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/11/2014

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Well, considering that you 'appreciated' my advice to your other post regarding this, my dear Alexandra...your ridiculous ASSumption that I am uneducated and unsympathetic is laughable.

Go ahead and sit in your glass house, my dear.

Your parents are under no moral obligation to be involved with your kids. There is no legal obligation, there is no statute anywhere stating that grandparents must be involved with their grandchildren.

YOU WANT THEM TO BE. I get it, we all do. However, they have stated to you that they don't feel it is their responsibility. They are correct. They took care of their responsibility by raising you, and any subsequent siblings you may have.

I don't agree with their criticism of you, in regards to your lack of skills, or other areas, because in my opinion, if they do not want to be involved, they have no room to criticize, but in the end, the responsibility is yours, and your partner's. Relatives, when they are of a mind to be, can be helpful, but also can be hurtful. It is up to you to determine your level of exposure to those you feel aren't offering you the level of support that you need.

This is not heartless, my dear, this is reality. It sucks sometimes, but that's the way it goes. Your job is to raise your kids. The more you stress about how uncooperative your parents are, the harder you make your job.

Oh, and one more thing...This statement: "While spending thousands of dollars are retired moms sit back and let everyone take advantage of us"~Your parents EARNED that money that you think they're wasting now. They have every right to sit back and spend it as they wish. If you feel that 'everyone' takes advantage of you, it's up to you to be more vigilant, and less trusting.

D. - posted on 04/11/2014

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Hmmm. I wouldn't say grandparents have a right to treat your child as they please. My husbands mom allows his son to walk along the edge of the bathtub. We had no idea this was happening until I walked in on them doing it in front of my 16 month old daughter. So, yes she's got a right to dictate how the grandparents interact with the child at least when it comes to safety. Not at all closed minded to give and expect such instructions to be followed.

Sometimes the good and bad come together. But the bottom line is to decide what is best for the child.

D. - posted on 04/11/2014

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My sisters going through a similar situation with the husbands side parents. However they'd help but they smoke cigarets and basically aren't going to follow her parenting style. Can I ask why you're having so much trouble adjusting to life with baby? It was hard for us as well especially with our other 2 kids(my step kids) when our daughter and now our son were born but things do get easier. Take it a day at a time. Keep the negative people away from your child. Try to be consistent with anything you do. Love n logic patenting has helped us so far an

Jodi - posted on 04/11/2014

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Alexandra, you talk about educated people. Both Shawnn and I are highly educated. Name calling simply because someone doesn't agree with your position is indicative of lack of education. The fact is, we are trying to give you some insight to help you realise that grandparents come in all shapes and sizes, but just because they don't grandparent the way YOU want them to doesn't make them bad grandparents.

I am very curious as to how you are in any way open minded, because I'm not seeing it. How is your glasshouse?

" AGAIN family does have a moral obligation to be involved in their kids life or DON'T HAVE KIDS !"

But they don't have to be involved in the way you DICTATE to them that they need to be involved. You have not indicated they don't want to be involved at all. All you have indicated is that you are just pissed that they can't be involved in the way you WANT them to be.

I wish you well with the relationship with your parents.

Alexandra - posted on 04/10/2014

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Shawn, your words have no compassion, heartless and unappreciated. I would be curious to know what state you live in or what your career is? Sure I know the answer because all closed minds think alike ! You are a very selfish person and hope you don't treat your kids/ grand kids this way. AGAIN family does have a moral obligation to be involved in their kids life or DON'T HAVE KIDS ! Please don't post any more of your ridiculous ignorance , keep it to yourself!

Alexandra - posted on 04/10/2014

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Thank you! It's nice to hear from an educated person with good advise. Thank you for the support . I'm going to be strong and let them go! I have to do this for me and my son:)

Yael - posted on 04/10/2014

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Family or not, if i person is bad, get them out of your life! It will only bring you down. I have not spoken to my mother, father or (former) step mother in years. I cannot tell you the weight off my shoulders. I have two young children. So, I understand. I raised my first by myself with no family and hundreds of miles from friends.

Try Care.com for finding a sitter. I got really lucky. Interview, 2nd interview them.
Most importantly, always trust your instincts!

Good luck!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/09/2014

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Your parents, as I stated in your other post regarding this, DO NOT have any responsibility, moral or otherwise, to help you with your kids.

YOU EXPECT THEM TO. Most of us do. However, they've "done their time" raising kids...they raised YOU!

Yes, we would LIKE our parents to participate in the raising of our children. That does not mean that they have to, nor that they're morally obligated. My mother did nothing. She did nothing because she freely admitted that she didn't like children in the first place, and only had them because she felt it was her 'duty' (and she didn't believe in abortion). HER parents did most of the raising of myself and my siblings. So, she DID have all the help in the world, and she chose to not be that way. She's still a grandmother, still loves the kids, just isn't the one I turn to for caregiving, or a weekend stay if necessary. After all, they're MY kids, not HERS, and it's MY responsibility.

And, this is an issue that is NOT cultural, it is NOT defined by country, ethnicity, or area. Some grandparents enjoy being actively involved. Others do not.

Christine - posted on 04/09/2014

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Maybe it's better for one parent to stay home with the baby. Nobody can take care of your child as well as you. I gave up working and everything to move to a different state for a better life for my son. If family can't be there for you then you just have to be stronger and do it all for your child. I don't have any help besides my boyfriend. All his family is for is to show my son people love him.

Guest - posted on 04/09/2014

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Maybe it depends on where you live. When I had my son, my parents were still in their early 50's and hadn't retired yet. They are nice, but they live out of state and cannot "help" us, which is fine with us because we don't need any help and they would probably just get in the way. In the US grandparents are not expected to "help" their adult children parent outside of listening and giving advice over the phone and maybe planning an extended family vacation or stopping by to visit a couple times a year. I have friends in France and Australia and they tend to expect the same limited involvement from grandparents. That said, I have friends in Italy, and Greece and their grandparents are very involved.

Perhaps we are misunderstanding something. What specifically are you wanting them to do that they are not doing?

Amy - posted on 04/09/2014

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I agree with Jodi grandparents are under no obligation to care for your kids. My oar what's help me out tremendously with mine but it's not their responsibility it help, they choose to help. If they told my tomorrow that they no longer could or wanted to I would have to figure out another alternative. My kids are my kids and it's my reponsibilityto care for them, not anyone else's.

Jodi - posted on 04/09/2014

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No, everyone won't agree.

You weren't only asking for supportive and kind, you were blaming them for the fact that you can't get a nanny. You were blaming them for the fact you can't financially support your child and indicating it was their responsibility to help you with that because you made mistakes. You were having a go at them because you had a difficult labour and traumatic time and they couldn't be there when you snapped your fingers.

They don't HAVE an obligation to you, moral or otherwise. You are an adult now. You made the CHOICE to bring a child into the world. Don't blame them because you can't handle it.

And really? Is it necessary to be such a bitch and make personal comments like that because you don't agree? Is this how you treat your mother?

My life is perfectly fine. Better than yours by the sounds of it. I have parents I love and care about, children who love me (one of whom is an adult), and a husband who is very special to me (but no cats) and totally the life I chose for MYSELF. Get over yourself.

Alexandra - posted on 04/08/2014

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Hi Jodi, no sense in going back and forth. We obviously are not on the same page. Not sure where you live or what environment you grew up in but I'm sure everyone will agree grandparents have a moral obligation. Not to be a babysitter or nanny but to be supportive and kind. Not sure how this is hard to understand. Some people get it some don't. You sound bitter because you are not a compassionate person. You're the type of person that would rather sit at home alone with your cats than your grand kids. That's your right! Enjoy your life! I'm sure you'll find a lot to do like going to Europe when your kids need you. Sounds like a plan!

Jodi - posted on 04/08/2014

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Grandparents don't have a moral obligation to be the babysitters of your children. If they want to hang out with them at their choosing, great, then that's what grandparents are for. But they are not the ones who should be the "nanny" for your child because that's what you expect of them.

I am not sure why you think I am bitter just because I don't agree with you. It actually doesn't bother me at all that I had no help. I am the parent. I chose to have my kids. I've never actually expected my parents or my husband's parents to do any of the parenting for me. They have their own lives that prevent them from doing so. I actually have a very good relationship with both sets of grandparents, and so do my kids. We visit, they visit us sometimes, but parenting? No. It's not their job. And I am actually quite ok with that, not bitter at all.

Nobody actually "deserves" help. It isn't your "right" to have help. It would be nice if you DID have help, but that's not the way it is. I am not quite sure why you feel it is your right. That's where I have the problem with your attitude. It's the entitlement.

Alexandra - posted on 04/08/2014

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Hi Jodi, thanks for your response. I have to say you are the only person with this response. We have been through a lot and disagree. Unfortunately, people with your mindset have no concept of grandparents moral obligations. Yes we are the parents , however grandparents are a big part of their life as well. I sense you didn't have any help and this has made you a very bitter person and you do not believe anyone else should have help. Seems like if you didn't have help then no one else deserves it. I guarantee you that if your parents were willing to help you would take it in a heartbeat! I think its convenient for you to say "do it on your own" or grow up because this was your life and everyone should do it on there own too because you had to. If you didn't have help no one should.

Its the same attitude when my mom says "My mom didn't do anything for me". I did it all Alone! Now you have to raise your kids on your own. Well this attitude is not acceptable! It wont be tolerated anymore! If you didn't have help you should learn from others mistakes and change the cycle of ignorance and be the better mother than our mothers. We owe this to our kids and be sure we are always there for them. Regardless of age I will be there for my son 110% and I have no problem being his babysitter or carer.... I would enjoy it and do it all for him. I am prepared to be a babysitter, carer, chef and housekeeper with no problem because thats what we do. I will never be our parents. Sorry to hear you are still bitter about your life.

Jodi - posted on 04/08/2014

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Well, they are right. You are the parents and it IS your responsibility. The grandparents have raised their family. It isn't their responsibility to now raise yours.

Sorry, I have no sympathy. My parents live 8 hours drive away, my husband's parents are elderly. We've been doing it alone for years. This is one of those things grown ups do.

They aren't bad grandparents, they are just choosing not to be your babysitters and carers. They aren't at your beck and call. How dare you expect them to be. When you made the choice to have a child, that was YOUR choice and YOUR responsibility. You don't have the right to expect others to carry the load for you.

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