Need Advice!! My step son is always last in bio moms life

Jennifer - posted on 03/16/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I have raised my SS since he was 3mths old. His father and I have two kids together as well. My SS man I hate using that word but any how is 9 yrs old now. His Bio mom has been nothing but a disappointment in his life, ours, and her parents life for the last 4yrs now. She has really never been a great mom but the last 4yrs she has gotten WAY worse. Now my SS is blaming himself. Wondering what he did wrong, why does she not want me ect... It is affecting his school work and behavior. We ALL have tried to talk to her but she makes lame excuses and is fine with her choices. My heart hurts because he hurts. We are at a loss on how to help him deal and not blame himself for her choices. She has parents raise him on her time. We share 50/50. He loves being with her parents but she barley see him on her days. Her and her men come first. How do you other step moms deal with this issue?

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Jennifer - posted on 03/18/2016

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Thanks for your reply! I had a talk with him last night explaining that he is important, so loved and wanted by the rest of his family and that him and the other children are the reason me and their father get up do life everyday. I also explained that we and him alone can not change people that don't want to change. This is her choice to not to be involved in his life and that is not is fault. About the custody order unfortunately she is good at crossing her T's and dotting her I's our lawyer said it would not do us any justice to take her to court. So we just work things out with her parents and do the best we can for him! He calls me mom since he could talk and people that don;t know us very well think he is my son! Haha but he knows that he has us to always be there. He put him counseling and they said that what he lacks from her we make up so he's getting what he needs from us.

Raye - posted on 03/16/2016

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If she is not spending time with him on her time, then maybe the custody orders should be changed. Document everything and present it to the court to get her time reduced to visitation, and maybe the boy wouldn't feel like he's being passed off. Show him he is wanted... by you and his father. If you do change the orders, I would try to make a separate arrangement with the mother's parents, so they aren't left out (assuming they want the time with him).

Don't bad-mouth the mother, but you can let him know some people just are the way they are, and it has nothing to do with him. It really sucks when any parent makes their child feel the way your son feels. I'm a step-mom whose kids' mom is less than great, so I can relate. My step-son told me he feels I'm more of a mom to him than his real mom. It's so sad that he feels that void, although I am glad to do my best to fill it. Some day, your son may realize that YOU CHOSE to be with him and his dad, and that's special. Keep doing your best for him, and that will have to be enough.

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