Need advice on leaving my husband and child

Rosaura - posted on 04/28/2014 ( 48 moms have responded )

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I have been married for 2 years and we have a child of 1.5 yrs. I love her sooo much, she is my life. But I dnt feel that I have a happy marriage. My husband treats good, he is kind with me but he does not share the same opinions with me. My way of having fun in family is not his way. We never go out on weekend or vacations to beaches or to visit new places in town because he does not like it. He is always wanting to go visit his parents on every day off or vacation, everything is his mom. He is a good man but I dnt feel like myself when I am with him. I met another man and I want to go leave with him, he shares my ideas and stuff, I have never cheated on my husband, this other man lives in dubai and im in belize. I want to leave my child with his dad bit still maintain communication with her. The reason that I want to leave her is because here she has so many people that love her, all our family is here, if I take her I will deprive her from growing with the family and knowing grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. What should I do?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/30/2014

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MARRIAGE IS COMPROMISE.

It's not about putting one or the other on a pedestal, and it's not about running away, rather than approaching and solving your problems TOGETHER.

And for someone to assume that anyone who has an opposing opinion of how a marriage should work is in an 'unhappy' marriage...I'd say that's a pretty large assumption...

For example, my marriage (25+ years now) is totally awesome. We each make the other the primary focus, and our kids have our attention and love. We interact with our extended families on a weekly basis, on one side or another. WE HAVE LEARNED THE ART OF COMPROMISE. Sometimes that takes more than a year or two.

You don't have to argue to be married. One person once told me that 'if you're not arguing, you don't have a healthy relationship'. I prefer to believe that, if you've learned how to solve problems WITHOUT arguing, you're raising your kids in a healthier environment. My hubby and I do not argue. What's the point? It's irritating, it's frustrating, and it solves nothing. Instead, we DISCUSS. We lay down pros/cons, we each get to defend our position and make our points, and then we, together, come to a mutual decision.

THAT is how marriage works. It's not about one person demanding that the other totally change for them, and vice versa.

Michelle - posted on 05/01/2014

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I'm closing this thread. The OP has already come back and told us what she is doing so there's no need for all the bickering.

Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/01/2014

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I am NOT going to REASSURE someone that leaving their husband and child after not trying to succeed in a marriage is the right thing to do. I'm sorry.

This person got the EXACT response my kids would have gotten had they had the balls to try to give up on a commitment.

Furthermore, I am NEVER going to condone infidelity, which is what the OP wanted us to condone.

A - posted on 05/01/2014

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She came onto a forum of mothers asking how to leave her husband AND her CHILD. Sorry but I am not going to be like oh hey this is how to do it

Jodi - posted on 05/01/2014

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And the sound advice she received was that marriage is about compromise and she needs to give this marriage more of a go and seek some counselling with her husband to resolve their issues, because the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. You don't leave your child to be with another man. You try to sort your shit out first.

This is not harsh advice. It's real life advice. You don't have to like it. That doesn't make it any less good advice.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/01/2014

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LMAO

another one who 'KNOWS' me...NOT!!!!!!

Stick to the topic at hand, and stop with the personal attacks

Oh, but could you please tell me what a 'quiet disturbance' is? Other than an oxymoron, that is?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/01/2014

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Oh my god! I get it, Tina! You are upset because, in your other posts, I ADVOCATED TELLING THE TRUTH TO YOUR CHILDREN!

I didn't make the connection until now. But, I'll let you live in your little bubble, thinking that being truthful is wrong, and hiding things, or advocating actions that you don't necessarily agree with is OK, and just let you go down your own path.

Life experience, sweetie. I HATE liars. I hate prevarication, I am extremely intolerable of those who won't OWN their actions. In this case, as I very clearly stated earlier, the OP is looking for confirmation that her desire to run out on her committment is right.

Simply put, it is NOT. It is wrong in SO many ways. That's my opinion, and I'm entitled to it, just as you are entitled to yours, no matter how uninformed it may be in certain areas.

Let it lie, my dear. You do not have to read what I post. Beware, I'm also not going to change my personality because you think that I need to.

Tina - posted on 05/01/2014

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Kim- of all the responses I've seen for this woman, I believe yours will be the most helpful to her. Your motive is pure. Good job!!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/01/2014

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I speak truth. I don't argue, I speak truth.

I'm blunt, and on top of that this is a public forum. If you don't like blunt statements without sugar coating, DON'T READ MY RESPONSES.

Blunt truth bothers most people, but reality is reality, and it doesn't go away. Certain posters need to learn that attempting to lecture others on the content of their posts doesn't help the situation one bit, nor does it advance discussion.

Personal attacks against individual respondents doesn't get you far in this world either...

Kim - posted on 05/01/2014

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I can see that you are troubled with this decision and usually I would say do what is best for you. However in this case I believe you may have this thing where you feel things could be better and don't realize how good things could be with your husband. My suggestion to you is think about how much you love your daughter and what made you fall in love with your husband. If there are any issues you have with him you need to tell him. Men can not read our mind as much as we would like them to. I left my family once to be with another man. The worse mistake I have ever made. Luckily my husband is very forgiving and the thing did not last very long. I realized the minute I left that it was a mistake but I was young and naïve and believed I could do better. That was years ago but I will always remember that. The key is to openly communicate. Tell him you need to go out and do something other than visiting his family. I think you should stay with him because you said he is a good man and your child needs both of you. I really hope that helps.

User - posted on 05/01/2014

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Ladies, Rosaura obviously feels alone, and unhappy which is why she is on here asking for reassurance. I agree Tina, as women we are so judgemental and critical, but nobody is perfect, we only pretend to be. Nobody is better than anybody else, this woman needs encouragement and sound advice. Unless you've been in her situation before it is easy to judge.
Find your happiness within you, even if you and your husband seperate, find your own happiness before finding someone else.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/01/2014

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Tanya, my dear naive youngling, YOU are the one making it about me.

I AM USING EXAMPLES. The best one I have is my successful marriage. Sorry that you don't like that...but it's not my problem.

Doesn't change the meaning of my post, nor does it negate any of it.

Tdaniels - posted on 05/01/2014

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This situation is unique. Marriage is never easy and must have compromise. It is a compromise of two lifestyles. Have you tried talking with your husband to find a common ground? For example going to his mother's every other weekend. I do not know what your beliefs are, but God says to leave your house and lean on your wife (paraphrase). It sounds as if your husband is looking to his mother and not to you. I could never leave my children. They are the joy of life. Talk with your husband of your unhappiness. Two years is exploration of the people you were and are becoming. I will pray things work for you.

Hannah - posted on 04/30/2014

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My mother turned a blind eye to my father molesting me. Dropped me off at my aunts at the age of 4- She chose to stay with him. Then brought me for visits a couple of weeks each year....long enough for my dad to abuse me then return me to me aunt.


Even if my father hadn't done what he did. My mom chose to spend her life with a man than to love and raise me. It's disgusting, especially now as a mother for me to think about. I cannot stomach a few days away from my son. Let alone months or years. AND FOR A MAN? Detestable.

Tanya - posted on 04/30/2014

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Shawnn Lively - I don't care about you... and not everything is about you.... odd person you are.

Rosaura, I also wanted to mention you marry into the family not to the family. Your not a prisoner.

If I were in your position...I would continue to try it out...if it doesn't work like I said in the past leave him but don't move to a totally different country... you owe it to your daughter.

Hannah Cochran -I'm sorry you had to go through what you did with your mom... whatever it was.

Tanya - posted on 04/30/2014

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Rosaura,

I totally understand you! Not because you are married to a man that you are married to his entire family... yes they are part of your life but not the way you are describing.
Sounds like you have someone who is very insecure on your hands, to make you stay with his family while he is out of town...ummm...I WOULD NEVER DO THAT- Unless I wanted to. My husband always put me first and that's how it is suppose to be. Marriage is between 2 people. If I do not agree with someone in his family he is by my side... that's just what marriage is. For those who don't understand that must have unhappy marriages.

However, another man is not the solution to your problem.

Take care of your daughter.






wanted to.

Jill - posted on 04/30/2014

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Oh my.....I understand your sadness but you will be 100 times more sad and regretful if you leave ur baby and miss her milestones and wonderfulness.
If u feel leaving one jerk of a husband for another husband will make u happy, honey, think again.
All relationships will require a level of compromise and crap taking. If u think ur current issues are beyond repair u may end up with bigger more difficult issues.

Sweetie, ur issues are difficult but they are NOT a deal breaker.......

A - posted on 04/30/2014

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"I had always been loyal to him but he has never given me that trust." And yet you are ready to run off with another man

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/30/2014

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This is why counseling is essential.

I'm sorry that you feel that you are being misused. YOu clearly state that he treats you wonderfully, that he's a great person, etc...

However, you're to willing to dump the commitment at the first sign of dissent, rather than trying to work through the problem and solve them.

Rosaura - posted on 04/30/2014

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You do not understand! I do like to go with my extended family, they are good people, my sister in law has been my friend from way before I met my husband. But its alwaysnthem, they are first, I dnt get to spend a vacation, not even half of the vacation with my husband alone, he does not want that. He wants to always be with his mother, he even thought on living at the same house. If goes to study away from the country I have to stay with my in laws cause he does not trust me living alone in our house. I had always been loyal to him but he has never given me that trust. If we are going to live together for the rest of our lives, I have to be what he wants me to be, I cant even think on being myself.

Brandy - posted on 04/30/2014

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where i live there are laws to protect parents from losing contact with their children, i guess i never realized how lucky i am because I've always taken that for granted. I don't think there is any easy way to split up a family. It is going to be difficult for everyone involved.

Tina - posted on 04/30/2014

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I'm sad that some of the responses you got are unkind. You didn't ask that question to be insulted. I hope my reaponse encourages you to do the right thing. Not make you feel bad. Women need to support one another. I'm glad you reached out to other moms. You did the right thing. You can do this!!!! Stay with your child!!! Xoxo

Katiedavid - posted on 04/30/2014

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Work it out. There is no pain greater for a child then to know that mommy left me. Your reasons are logical, but they play out emotionally and you will pay the consequences for that decision for the rest of your life. That is one bell you can't unring

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/30/2014

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Wow. YOu really seem to have some misconceptions. And inconsistencies.

You "have to go" to his folks, because if he takes your kid, you "have to be there", and yet you were contemplating LEAVING THE CHILD with her father to go to the greener grass of Dubai. Inconsistency.

Another thing...When you marry, your extended families DO NOT DISAPPEAR. You cannot expect the man to completely cut off contact just because he has you and you should be 'enough'. Sorry, that's not the way that works. FAMILY IS IMPORTANT. The entire family, not just you, him, and your kid.

GET COUNSELING. It seems that your problems are stemming from not wanting to share your immediate family with anyone, including extended family. That is not healthy, and it results in the feelings you are having about being disregarded.

COMPROMISE. It's key in relationships.

Rosaura - posted on 04/30/2014

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Im gonna be a mom ladies, thanks for ur advices. I will try but if it does not work then I will my husband and take my child with me. Yes Melissa, I HAVE to go when he visits her mom, im obliged to cause we live around 6 hours away from them so if he is going to take my baby, I need to go and that wioo be a stay at her house for 3 to 4 days and ssometimes even longer. It will always be like that, I am sure, no time for OUR family. He has even told me that he prefers to he there than alone here where we do not have anybody, I mean we do have, he has me and his baby andd I have him and my baby, what else do we need? Yes its ok to visit our families once in a while but not on all holidays, vacations, dayoffs that he has. I have talked to him bout that but he says that I am not a good child cause I dnt want to visit my dad, bit its not like that, I love my dad but I have been with him for more than 20 yrs, its now time for my life, my family, that is why I chose to marry him, to begin our own life and family.

Kathleen - posted on 04/29/2014

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Im sorry im not going to sugar coat this. You should NEVER leave ur child just for another man. What if it didnt work out. Then where would u be I dont think ur present family would forgive so easily then u will be on ur own. If your not happy leave your husband but u chose to be a mum so be one. Xx

User - posted on 04/29/2014

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Marriage goes through phases, and you'll be tested and tempted. Before making your mind up that you're going to leave your husband why don't you both try a few marriage counseling sessions, so he isn't blind sided that you left him. You owe it to this man if he is a good man, and you really owe it to your child for trying. You should also start a hobby or do something for yourself on the weekends when he is visiting his family. Do you HAVE to be there or do you feel obligated to be there?
Everyone deserves happiness, this is our one and only life, so make the best of it sister! Just make sure you realize the consequences of your decisions before you make such a drastic decision. Your baby needs you!

Christine - posted on 04/29/2014

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It's probably not a good idea to ask for advice on how to leave your child.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/29/2014

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"I won't 'attack' you like the others did" "you are cheating"
"I'm sure you attacked him and his family."

Those statements, seem to me to be just as much of an 'attack' as you claim the rest posted. LMAO

It is not an attack to tell someone the obvious. Sorry, but it's not. Get a grip, Tanya. Just because you didn't like what someone posted in a totally different thread is no reason to come into this one and try to start dissent here as well.

Tina - posted on 04/29/2014

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When people leave their spouse for someone else, they break up once the spark dies down. You want to be the exception to the rule but you are not. Please tell your husband the whole truth and ask him to help you want to stay.

Tina - posted on 04/29/2014

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I'm sorry you're struggling with this. you are not a bad person. You are looking for something to make you feel good. If you do this, I do not believe you will be able to live with yourself.Please pray about it.

Tanya - posted on 04/29/2014

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I totally agree with Michelle Waldbilling.

I won't attack you like the others did, but you have cheated emotionally...

If my husband would do what you have done I would be extremely hurt!

I don't think your a bad person, having a young child can be hard.. your life is totally different. It's not about you anymore and all about your daughter. You are going to have to learn to adapt to the new life. I believe you love your daughter and I believe that staying in an unhappy marriage is not good for neither of you. Children are very very observant and feel everything.

I can imagine what you feel like with your husband the way you described your feelings. But I guarantee life will not be better with this new man...

I know you spoke to him already, but try expressing your feelings positively towards the situation. I'm sure you attacked him and his family when you spoke to him in the past and that's why he said he wouldn't change. Give it a try.

If you want to separate I wouldn't move to another country... it's not fair to your daughter. Personally I would never leave my daughter for a man, but I would separate if I was really really unhappy.

Michelle - posted on 04/28/2014

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You've only been married 2 years and have a small child. It's not easy on any marriage when the children are small.
You say you have never cheated on your husband but you are willing to leave the country and your daughter to follow another man, yes you have cheated on him. You may not have cheated on him physically but emotionally you have already left the marriage.
I think you need to have a talk with your husband and let him know what's going on. He doesn't deserve to be treated the way you are treating him.

Ashley - posted on 04/28/2014

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the grass is NOT greener on the other side. you will.miss your.husband. and.daughter. I hate when.women choose.men over there kids, especially when.they already have a good.man at home. uiu are selfish and you dont carebwhats best forbyour daughter because.if you did yiu w poo jkdnt even.have amother guy t ok think anout leaving with. grow up and teach your.child better

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/28/2014

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"My husband treats good, he is kind with me"

Yet you say that he won't compromise. If he treats you good, he will. You just don't want to, since you've got your sights set on the greener grass of Dubai.

Tell me, does the new man have more net worth than the old one?

Rosaura - posted on 04/28/2014

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Its not me, I have tried, but he keeps on saying that he is who he is and no one will ever change him. Not for good nor for bad.

Jodi - posted on 04/28/2014

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It's not dad who is the problem. It is you. Sorry, but I agree with the other ladies. A marriage is something that needs work, not something that just happens. It needs compromises, lots of them. Have you heard the saying, you made your bed, now you must lay in it"? Well, that. You made a choice about your life 2 years ago. Now you h ave to actually work on it. What you are proposing is not fair to your child, not at all. Go and seek counselling for yourself and your husband to try and work this out.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/28/2014

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The problem is that you are not willing to attempt to work out what you perceive to be a problem.

You are not willing to live up to your commitment.

Rosaura - posted on 04/28/2014

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What if I take my daughter with me, cause I really love her, its the dad the problem not her, I am grateful to God for giving me an angel to take care of, I just want the best for her.

Rosaura - posted on 04/28/2014

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Its not like that. I do love my child and want to be part of her life as well. If I want I can take her with me and separate her from everybody but all I think about is of the best for her. I am willing to take her with me for vacations and take care of her but she also needs to be with her true dad, and know both of our families. To separate from husband does not mean that our child has to forget one of her parent.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/28/2014

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And I'll be willing to wager you've not even thought about a counselor, because you've 'met someone'.

If you're leaving your marriage, be honest: "I thought that you'd give in to my every whim, do whatever I wanted you to do, and I wouldn't have to compromise at all, but since that's not the way it is, I'm leaving you, AND the kid. I don't want to pay you support, and you can probably expect me to cut off contact with the kid soon, because, you see, it isn't REALLY what I wanted to do in the first place. Have a great life, see ya"

Rosaura - posted on 04/28/2014

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Yeah but I got married because I got pregnant, I thought that it was the best for my babyto born and grow with her both parents, I realy thought that oir marriage could work, that we would be able to solve our differences but Iim not even half of what I was when we were not married. I woild to go out once Iin a while and have fun with my child and my husband but thatbis never going to happen.

Sarah - posted on 04/28/2014

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I agree with Shawnn. I would also add HOW DARE YOU!! How dare you bring an innocent child into this mix. If you did not feel happy in your marriage then why create a child that then suffers from your choices. It is no longer about you! You lost that right when you had your child. Figure out how to make your marriage work. You made a commitment to your husband just 2 yrs ago. Marriage is not a revolving door. Once you make that commitment you work on it. You turn in not outward to another man that you think will make life better. If you put in the work it takes your marriage might be better too. Like Shawnn said get counseling and work things out. Remember you made the decision to marry this guy knowing how he is. Then you decided to have a baby.....so in my mind you have no right to leave the marriage and your child.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/28/2014

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So, basically, you think that the grass is going to be greener in Dubai than it is in Belize.

You made a committment to your spouse and family that you no longer want to fulfill because you 'met someone'.

How long is it going to be before making the effort to communicate with your child will be 'too much effort' for you?

People like yourself, who think marriage is something to be jumped into and out of at your whim, make me ill. Visit a family counselor. Figure out why you and your husband cannot compromise. Your reasons are pretty superficial to me.

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