Need advice on visitation/custody

Tatiana - posted on 09/23/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My baby girl Is 9 months old. I am in court with her father. He wants visitation. But my baby does not know him or his gf whom I found out about when I was 7 months pregnant. I don't know his family I met them only one time. I can't stand him or any of them. Now we are due back in court November which means he will not see the baby until the judge decides if he gets visitation. He has not seen the baby since June and is asking my attorney if I can give him visits now so he won't miss out more time with the baby. I don't know if I should I have put my feelings to the side in the past and tried to get him involved but I felt like he didn't care about the baby he only cared about not losing his gf. I still think he doesn't care, he has not done anything to help with the baby but travels everywhere with his gf and her daughter and his two other kids from his ex wife. I know eventually the judge is going to give him visits because I heard they always do regardless of how the father is. So do I let it happen now so the baby gets to meet him ahead of time or wait for courts to decide? Let me mention I have gave him visits before and he had a problem coming to see her at my house he wanted to take the baby to his house since she was born and I didn't let him so he went to the courts a week after I served him papers for child support which he has not paid. There is an order of protection between us so we have no contact since June. What do I do?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2016

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He doesn't know the other side of his family because YOU have made no effort to make it so.

Yep, his father gets to petition for his rights.You get to petition for support, but you have to understand that support and visitation are separate, and will be decided separately.

YOU cannot withhold the child from the rest of his biological family.

Tatiana - posted on 09/23/2016

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Thanks ladies for your advice. I do admit I've been selfish with allowing him to take her with him anywhere but as her mom I did not feel ready to hand her over to him as soon as I had her which is why I was allowing him to come see her anytime at my place and I know how important it is for her to have her father. What I meant on my previous statement that no matter what I say or do the judge will most likely give him visits I'm not saying he shouldn't have visits just saying no matter if I prove my allegations (which I have prove for) he will still have visits. It is really hard to share and co parent with someone who disrespects you and shows no care for his daughter. Child support is a separate issue (so they say )but when he does not help support her in anyway it is a problem. It shows he does not care, so how can I allow him to have her on his terms? Also, I do pump for work it's hard to pump extra I'm working on boosting lactation up. Anyway yes I agree with you ladies he should have his time with her also. Maybe supervised visit will be the best result for now.

Dove - posted on 09/23/2016

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Other than the breastfeeding (since I couldn't pump) I agree w/ the other ladies. Breastfeeding to me isn't a reason to deny visitiations, but it IS a reason to either keep the visits short or have you nearby enough for a feeding. If you do not have a pump you should buy one and try to pump. If you can not and you have a good lawyer and a reasonable judge they will 'hopefully' keep the court ordered visitations to short visits for a while, but at 9 months now your baby will be almost a year in November... so there's no telling what a judge will rule on that.

Ev - posted on 09/23/2016

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{My baby girl Is 9 months old. I am in court with her father. He wants visitation. But my baby does not know him or his gf whom I found out about when I was 7 months pregnant. I don't know his family I met them only one time. I can't stand him or any of them.}
-----He has every right to be with his child regardless of your feelings of him.

{ Now we are due back in court November which means he will not see the baby until the judge decides if he gets visitation. He has not seen the baby since June and is asking my attorney if I can give him visits now so he won't miss out more time with the baby. }
-----Why should he not see the baby until then? Work something out for this.
{I don't know if I should I have put my feelings to the side in the past and tried to get him involved but I felt like he didn't care about the baby he only cared about not losing his gf. I still think he doesn't care, he has not done anything to help with the baby but travels everywhere with his gf and her daughter and his two other kids from his ex wife.}
-----You clearly have not put your feelings aside if you are not sure about letting him have time with his CHILD. How do you know all he cares for is the GF and her kid and his other kids from an ex wife. It is his life and he can travel with the GF and kids if he chooses. What has that to do with his seeing his child?
{ I know eventually the judge is going to give him visits because I heard they always do regardless of how the father is.}
-----That is not true. Judges give visitation and even custody to the fathers because fathers do make a difference and matter in the life of a child. Your statement here tells me that you do not think a father means a whole lot in a child’s life or you just do not think he needs to have access to his child because he cheated on you.
{So do I let it happen now so the baby gets to meet him ahead of time or wait for courts to decide? Let me mention I have gave him visits before and he had a problem coming to see her at my house he wanted to take the baby to his house since she was born and I didn't let him so he went to the courts a week after I served him papers for child support which he has not paid.}
-----You should let it happen some way or some how. Just because you offered visits at your house and he did not take them was because you are trying to control what he does and when he does it with his child. He should be allowed to have her on his time without you hovering over his shoulder.
-----Child support has nothing to do with this. It is a separate issue all together.
{There is an order of protection between us so we have no contact since June. What do I do?}
-----So if there is a protection order, find someone you trust with your child to supervise the visits for dad. That simple that easy.


{I have never refused him visits the problem was I didn't let him have visits at his place or take her out of my house, for several reasons. He drinks and drives, her safety. I don't like the gf, I don't know who he would have my baby around she is to young to go anywhere without her mother and she is a breastfed child so it was hard to always supply him with milk to go.}
-----You have refused his visits or you want them on YOUR TERMS ONLY. You need prove that he drinks and drives, you need proof that the people that he takes her around are danger to her, and it Is not hard to get breastmilk pumped for him to take with on visits. These are just excuses not to allow him to have her!!!
{ There are no set visitations for him in court yet we shall see in November. My question was do I allow him to get visits now outside of the courts so the baby can meet him or just leave it up to the courts. I did ask the court for supervised visitation. So I will also look into a contact center as you suggested. Thank you.}
-----Yes, you allow the visits. It is not going to look good on you when they see that you have offered visits on your terms only and not met him half way on things. You are still holding her from him no matter what you call it. Asking court for supervised visits are find but be prepared to prove why he does not need unsupervised visits.
To me, it seems that you want to control what happens and makes sure he does not get much time with his child.

Michelle - posted on 09/23/2016

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I agree with Jodi.
Yes you should be encouraging visitation now. Like Jodi said, he could claim parental alienation if he is asking to see his child and you are refusing.
It doesn't matter if you don't like the girlfriend, unless she is a danger to your child then you just have to suck it up. You don't like her because he was cheating with her when he was with you, I understand.
He was good enough to have unprotected sex with and create a child so you have to learn to co-parent with him for at least the next 18-20 years. You need to put your feelings of him aside and do what is best for your child, that is having a relationship with Dad.

Jodi - posted on 09/23/2016

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For the drinking and driving concerns, you need to have evidence.

For the not liking the girlfriend concerns, unless you have evidence she is a danger to the child, it is irrelevant.

With regard to who he has the baby around.....do you allow him to control who you have the baby around? No? Well, you can't control who he has the baby around unless there is evidence that would be a danger to the child.

With regard to the breastfeeding, I do understand your issue. But at 9 months old, your breastfeeding is established, so there is a probability that won't be considered as the highest priority - you can pump.

You should allow him to get visits now in order to allow a relationship to be established. You can, at this point, offer supervised visits. Make sure those offers are in writing (even text message is sufficient). they will be your evidence you have not denied visitation.

Tatiana - posted on 09/23/2016

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I have never refused him visits the problem was I didn't let him have visits at his place or take her out of my house, for several reasons. He drinks and drives, her safety. I don't like the gf, I don't know who he would have my baby around she is to young to go anywhere without her mother and she is a breastfed child so it was hard to always supply him with milk to go. There are no set visitations for him in court yet we shall see in November. My question was do I allow him to get visits now outside of the courts so the baby can meet him or just leave it up to the courts. I did ask the court for supervised visitation. So I will also look into a contact center as you suggested. Thank you.

Jodi - posted on 09/23/2016

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Yeah, he will most likely get visitation. And your continued refusal to allow some time with the baby won't actually be well received. You need to let him have some time with the baby, even if under your supervision. Your feelings on't matter to the court. If you continue to deny visitation, you could end up being accused of parental alienation. Look it up. People lose custody because of it. It isn't something I would recommend doing. Is there a third party you can use for supervised visits (such as parents, a friend, etc)? Alternatively, look into a contact centre - there are actually services that can assist with supervised visitation so you don't have to have contact with your ex, but he can still have time with his child.

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