Need Advice- Out of state visitations?

LovingMy - posted on 06/03/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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The father of my daughter and I had agreed to have a baby. We were not married and during the time we were together he became abusive. Unknown to either of us when he had assaulted me, we had conceived. After his first act of violence I left him. Four weeks later I found out that I was six/seven weeks pregnant. Fearing he would try to keep me in the state and also fearing he may hurt me further I left the state. I returned to my home state for family support. After the baby came I changed my mind in not telling him. I knew it was wrong to keep this from him, regardless of what he did to me. So I told him, he kind of already knew through mutual friends. In the meantime he also met and married a women during my pregnancy. He has a history of abuse (which I didn't know till after I left him). Come to find out he has other children, all different mothers, and he does not have custody of any of his children. My question is this: I have made numerous attempts to allow him to have contact with my now 2yr old daughter. He has declined. Now that the state has started the process of garnishing his wages he has been threatening with visitation and changing her name. I am not against visitations. However, I would like (because they have no established relationship and she is still only 2yrs) to have him come to my state (IL.) and have supervised visits till a relationship is established, what is the likelihood of me getting this granted? I also would like to know the likelihood that he can change her last name if I disagree to it?

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3T'S84 - posted on 06/03/2015

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Hello. I dealt personally with interstate custody and if you and the child live in IL than all laws and regulations have jurisdiction through that state. So whatever info IL has on interstate custody that's going to be the basis on visitation. In my case the father had a relationship with my daughter and had his name already. I remember my attorney asking me if he had any relationship with her prior because if not he had to prove he is stable. We also had a guardian on our case for the best interest of the child. If you feel for the safety of your child then request supervised visits but i'm going to tell you right now... the courts WILL allow him into his childs live no matter the case if he's trying to do so no matter the relationship he has with his other children. Remember this is about the baby girl you have TOGETHER. Like someone previously stated take him to court first and don't let him go first because it's going to make him seem like a super dad that has been denied to see his daughter because of YOU. Keep your mind clear and pray pray pray. It gets NASTY. Hire an attorney and get full custody quick. Don't let him beat you to the punch. From the info on the anger classes and such you should be good but he will still get some type of visitation so "suck it up on that" AWW yea get your child support. He has to pay crazy or not!
*****************GET A LAWYER LIKE YESTERDAY!!!*******************

Cynthia - posted on 06/03/2015

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Since I already know that you are going to find a lawyer, I will only interject this - since 9/11, you have to prove you have a very good reason for changing your name - and this goes along with children as well.
In this case, he is more than likely, just trying to scare you out of getting child support. Since he doesn't have custody of any of his other children and he has been absent this whole time, the lawyer will have a very strong case in your favor. If you have any records (emails, etc.) between the 2 of you in regards to visitation, custody, what-have-you, print them out and keep them in a file. Also save them in your email box so that you have quick reference. Just make sure to record any and all conversations that you have with him in a notebook. If you have actual recordings, they may or may not be admissible in court, but if you write down date, time, and as much of the conversation as you can, the court will generally look at that and take it into consideration.
Blessings and good luck!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2015

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Just get a lawyer and forget the advice you can get from mothers on line. The issue isn't if other mothers have experienced this, or that we won't support you....the issue is that this is involving 2 differing states with possibly different laws on this matter. A lawyer is the only one that is truly equipped to help you or offer solid advice. Don't wait. Don't put it off. Call now. If he gets a lawyer first, who knows what he can accomplish behind your back. The laywer you consulted with was a year ago. Get updated advice and hire someone.

Raye - posted on 06/03/2015

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In Illinois, the father has no legal right to see the child without a court order regarding custody or visitation. Even if he is proven to be the father and is paying child support, he will not be granted visitation without a court order. Illinois generally favors the mother when the parents are not married. However, they do still try to determine the best interests of the child. So you should find a lawyer that is familiar with Illinois law and can advocate for you in the most effective way.

As far as name change, usually there has to be a very good reason for doing so. But really, it could go two ways... the judge may find that the name change would create a closer bond between the child and the non-custodial parent and allow the change, or they will favor the status-quo, that the child is already known by their current name and has no justification to change it. I would say it's more likely they would not change it, but your lawyer should be able to provide a more accurate answer.

Dove - posted on 06/03/2015

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The name change... I have no idea. If you have solid evidence of the abuse (police reports) and solid evidence of the other children and mothers... your chances of initially having supervised visitations might be pretty good. You really need to talk to a lawyer in your area as they will know a lot more than any random person online could tell you.

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LovingMy - posted on 06/05/2015

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Hello again, so I took all of your advice and I contacted the lawyer again. This is what I found out. Because he has not had contact or attempted to contact my daughter, except for the efforts I have attempted to have him spend with her (physical and via phone) at this moment in time he has no rights to her. Besides the fact that he has not tried establishing a relationship (even though I fostered it). He also is not on the birth certificate. So the lawyer said that he would have to petition the courts for: A) to have his name on the birth certificate. B) having the name change. C) if he goes for visitations, the courts will order supervised visits until he can establish a relationship (which is usually 6 months) and she will not go out of the state until 5 years of age (legal age to travel on a plane unattended. However, even for that he would need to petition the court after the 6 month supervised visits are up to get visitations changed. As of now the lawyer advised me to not do anything. The lawyer said he is speaking in anger because he has to pay child support. If he cared about the child and not the money he would have done something sooner and since he is so angry about the money it's highly doubtful he would want to spend the thousands of dollars it would cost him to do all he is threatening. I do want to add this.....I never closed the door on him getting to know his daughter, I even paid 1/2 his flight for him to come out here and paid full price for his hotel, and rental car when we had gotten the DNA test done. He spent 4 hours with her, one hour at the DNA office and a few more when we had gotten something to eat. That was it, I tried to make arrangements when he was here to have him spend time with her for the weekend and he refused. I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father, but I also want to make sure she is safe (like most mothers want).

LovingMy - posted on 06/03/2015

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Thank you Cynthia that is very helpful. He actually was a police officer and was put into anger management for assaulting an inmate. He also was taken to court for aggravated sexual assault by the district attorney. He has been in numerous papers and the internet. So I think I have some good character materials.

LovingMy - posted on 06/03/2015

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Thank you Rey. This is pretty much what I have been told as well. I was really hoping to find women who had experience maybe a similar situation. I wish Illinois had more info on out of state parenting. There isn't much and about the last name thing they only say surname will be changed in the best interest of the child, which doesn't explain much. hmmm we will see what happens. Lawyer time.

LovingMy - posted on 06/03/2015

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Hi Little Miss, thank you for the advice. I do plan on getting a lawyer. I mainly wanted to see if anyone else has been through this, again, at the end of the day when it comes down to it I will fight for what is best. I just wanted to know if there was any mothers that have had similar experiences and what happened.

LovingMy - posted on 06/03/2015

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Thank you dove. I do plan on getting a lawyer, however, I wanted to see if anyone else has been through this before. I consulted a lawyer awhile back (before she was 1 yrs old) and they said that if he does not make any attempt at a relationship (phone, email, visits, etc.) before the age of 2yrs old, which he didn't. Then most likely he will not be granted out of state visits right away, until a relationship can be established. The lawyer also said that I could ask for supervised visits for up to 6 months. Mostly I wanted to see if anyone else had this experience. I cannot find much on this from the Illinois state family law. xoxoxoxo thanks for responding!

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