Need advice please, pot smoking dad

Elizabeth - posted on 12/03/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend & I had a surprise pregnancy. I asked my 29 year old boyfriend to quit smoking pot, he kept promising he would & never did. Now my son is almost 11 months old & he still hasn't stopped & I constantly ask him, I've even begged & pleaded in tears. I understand it's a "natural drug" but I don't like it in the home, I hate the smell & don't want my son anywhere near it. Some people have told me "it will be legal in your state soon anyway, it's not like he's drunk all the time"...I have debated leaving him numerous times over this. I cannot stand the fact that he smokes pot. Any tips or advice?

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Jodi - posted on 12/03/2013

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Interesting. It was ok to sleep with this man who smokes pot, but all of a sudden, it's not ok because you have a child? Maybe we need to be a little more discerning about the men we sleep with and end up with a "surprise pregnancy". I don't agree with him smoking around the baby (heck, I don't like the stuff myself, and I would be disappointed if my partner suddenly decided to start on it now), however, he isn't the one who has changed. You are. Basically, you hooked up with someone who smokes pot. Then, you get pregnant and you don't want that anymore. Put it in that perspective and tackle it from there.

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Jodi - posted on 12/03/2013

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I was simply pointing out that she is unlikely to be able to change him because it wasn't him who changed in the first place. To be angry at him for not changing now is unfair. She needs to accept who he is. IF she could accept who he was before, then what made her think he would change? Is this an issue of safety of the child? People can smoke pot and not be a safety hazard for their child. If it is being smoked inside the house, then yes, it is an issue. If he is constantly stoned, it is an issue. An in this case, the OP should leave for the safety of her child. All the begging in the world is not going to change him if he doesn't want to change. Or is this an issue of you just not liking the smell and you don't like the fact that he smokes it? In which case, why would you choose a boyfriend who smokes pot in the first place?

Rebekah - posted on 12/03/2013

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I think you need to decide if this is a non-negotiable issue. If this is something that you absolutely don't want around your child (or self), then set a deadline for him. If he hasn't stopped using by then, then its time to get serious and move out. I would have no tolerance for it either. Alcohol is legal, but it can seriously wreck people's lives and be dangerous. Pot may be different in some ways, but its still mind-altering. To those people who minimize it's effects... would they get on a bus if they knew the bus driver was stoned on pot? I doubt it. But I digress... You already know how you feel about pot use, and now its time to find out if your boyfriend is willing to put it aside for the sake of you/your child. If you continue to stay while he uses, then he will conclude that you are willing to put up with it.

If you are looking for more specialized support, you could try consulting with a local Nar-anon group (there is also a Marijuana Anonymous group too, though I don't know how wide-spread they are). Although its not a narcotic, they may be a good moral support, as addiction is addiction, regardless of the drug. Nar-anon is for family members of drug-users.

To Jodi... I see your point and would also hope that women in general wouldn't put themselves in a position of potentially having babies with men who don't embody all the qualities of a father/husband that they are looking for. However, not all women are thinking about that potential consequence when they are getting involved. Once a child enters the picture, it ups the ante on everything, and the qualities of one's partner may look different in that light. Its one thing to tolerate someone's bad habits as an adult (tolerate, justify, rationalize, look the other way, hope for change, whatever), but a baby cannot choose to do that, so the mother (or whichever parent is discontented) must be forced to decide what behaviors are tolerable, and which ones aren't.

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