need advice! what to do with sons father & what is going on at visits?

Adrienne - posted on 09/24/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




My son, whos 3 1/2, had no real relationship with his father up until last december. Before that I had brought him to his fathers a few times on and off up until that time but my boy didnt want anything to do with him and would cry if he tried to hold him etc. But the father was also being quite forceful at how he tried to interact with the boy. I didnt force him to have his son in his life it was on his ok to come over. The father up until almost the 20th week of my pregnancy didnt even want me to have the child. 'Explore your options', 'take a little pill and it will go away' was some of the thhings he would say. then suddenly he ok with it?? dont know what clicked but while we were seeing each other, he had even asked me if I wanted to have another kid and my response was no not until I was more financially secure (student loans and two other children already) But anyways... when it came time go to hospital to have my son I did call him to be present, tho we had not been together since he told me what he thought when I originally told him I was prego. He even had the nerve to interject when I told the nurses I had signed prior arriving and was ready for my surgery so I would not have anymore children. He stated he wanted to have another child and was arging with me about it right after I just had this one that he originally didnt even want to have?? seriously??
Last year he actually had taken me to court so he could regularly see his son. (since then he has had another child child who is about 1.5 right now... I also should add he also has an older son that is 10) He attempted to say I was keeping his son from him which obviously was not the truth. But with the courts order, we have been going thru phases, which even those were written incorrectly by my lawyer where she had switched and put a 32 hour wknd before a 24 hour wknd when we are supposed to work up to all wknd.
Since my Boy has been going there, everytime he comes back overly hungry, thirsty and filthy. Theres been other occurances where he came back with a huge scrape on his forehead, nose, and knee, and only in those areas. My son said he fell on the sidewalk. Which is questioning as to how, considering when he falls when with me its always his hand and knee. also came home once with 2 pairs of shoes (i sent him in a pair and he came back in a opair his dad bought for him for me to put on him when he go to his dads but they were 2 szs too big) covered in I believe dog crap. also as on his socks and a bit on his leg. this last time he came home with bruises all over him saying he fell down the steps that led to to his dads apt (second level of house). My boy says he was bumped at the top. there also has been other times with scraps and bruises. but those are the severe ones. Now I know things will happen and I know that since he is a boy thats more likely. Buit considering the short amount of time that he is there for these things to happen?? I dont know. With everything put together I question it greatly. Mind you there are a few things that I didnt even include in here because I knew this was going to be a long post. I have talked to many friends about this and most had pointed to calling chld protection which I finally did on monday and they said they cant do anything unless the child says the dad is hurting him. I also was told to talk to a laywer which I went to one of the free ones they have at the library on select days of the month. She told me I really cant do anything that will have any affect on things until something really bad happens to the child. I dont want to wait for something really bad to happen. Thats obsturd.
I think with how my son cries, says he wants to go to bed, runs around and says he doesnt want to go there when I tell him his dad is here to pick him up, should be a red flag. There should be some form of a connection by now. its been 6 monthes hes been going there. I know people like to compair this with going to school, but I think a child, esp a boy should be more excited to go to his fathers place than going to school. This isnt the case here. I know his dad is forceful and likes to have things his way or else. And theres no talking any sense into him. He refuses to listen to me. I also know everyone has their own parenting ideas but these things are not right.
Another incident that occured two visits ago, was his dad deciding to park way down the driveway to the apts we live at, when he for the last 6 months of picking his son up would park right in front of the door and let me put our son in his truck, buckle and kiss him goodbye,then give the dad an update of what he ate n whatever else. My son was used to this, and would seem to be ok with going after I had calmed him down enough to put his shoes on and get him out to the truck (seems like my boy doesnt like to cry in front of his dad?? or something??) But that wknd his dad switched it up, he wanted our boy to walk with him to the truck. my son didnt want to do that.. he clunge onto me like no tomorrow. I asked why he was changing it, his excuse was his dog was in the truck and he didnt want him to bark??? I said that ridiculous our son didnt want me to put him down and started crying when I tried so I said ill just do it. the dad said no and proceeded to pull my boy out of my arms, i just let go so he wouldnt get hurt tho I fought for a bit to hold him back like he was holding me, his dad carried him all the way to the truck my his arm pits put him into the truck, the whole while my son screaming, crying and fighting to get away. I followed in disbelief. And even in the truck my son tried to get out of his car seat and his dad pushed him back in there to buckle him in. when he was done I said let me kiss him and calm him down he said no and pushed me away. I was lke what!? and tried to open the door to get to my son and pushed me away again and then locked the door by reaching in from his door. that ticked me off and I tried to push the buttons on his door to unlock all the doors so i could get to my son. And he pushed me again. and drove off. My goodness I wa so upset and a mess after all that. And you know what the dog in there never even barked once. so wth??

Any suggestions on what I should do??

sorry for the length


Dove - posted on 09/24/2015




When it is time for your son to go to his dad's... hand him over w/ a kiss and a smile and go back in your house... no matter how upset your son is... don't let him see that YOU are upset or you will just make things worse for your son.

If you have concerns about his safety and well being... document every single little detail. You can not change the visitations unless you go back to court to do so and at this time it doesn't sound like you have enough evidence of neglect or abuse. Write down EVERYTHING no matter how small and insignificant it may seem... and then hire a lawyer to sort through it.

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