Need advice, whats best for the child complicated situation

Tim - posted on 09/15/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




Very long story short, I just recently found out that I have another child with a woman I dated a very long time ago. The little girl is a pre-teen years old, the mother was not sure who’s child it was the man who is on the birth certificate is the only one the child has known as her dad. Mom and the kid’s “dad” have a very toxic relationship they were married (after the child was born) the relationship became somewhat abusive and they divorced. In talking with the Mom the little girl loves her dad (the only guy she has ever known to be her dad) but she has inherited some of my genetic medical conditions. I am happily married with 4 kids with my wife, my wife is being incredibly supportive of the situation. The mom and I did the tests and its verified, she has not and has no plans on telling the little girls “dad” and I agree because we don’t want to destroy that dynamic for her. I am conflicted because the mom wants me to have a relationship with this little girl, I do as well very much so. But I don’t want to cause her problems. I have spent a lot of time reading about peoples experiences on both sides of the coin, most of the time they are about a bio father who abandoned them. The medical contiions are perfectly treatable, but because they are genetic she is going to find out about them some day. What is best for the child, is it best to get to know her as a family friend, to not get to know her, or for her to be told the truth but re-inforce that her dad is the man who has raised her, that I didn’t know about it but still would like to know her? Whats best for her whats the right thing to do?


Dove - posted on 09/15/2015




The truth is ALWAYS better... but there are too many factors involved for anyone else to be able to tell you how or when the truth needs to be told. 'Best' for her would have been to be raised w/ the truth, but since that didn't happen... you all might want to get involved w/ a child therapist for help and support.

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