Need Help Asap with 17 yr old Step Daughter

Desi - posted on 09/12/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I recently got married, to a lovely man. We love each other dearly, but his 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage litterly despises women. She doesn't have female friends, very withdrawn and freaks out when her father and I want time alone. We just got married earlier this year, and she is causing so much trouble that we are already thinking of separating. We tried family counseling, she REFUSES to "talk to strangers." We've tried disciplining her outrageous behavior by taking things away. Her behavior is despising me, won't listen, demands 99% of "daddy" time, skips school, trashes her bedroom - to the point I know if dhs saw she will be taken away but this is only her bedroom, does weed - despite our strong objections, complains over everything. We have tried all but military reform school, which we can't afford. She is pushing us apart, and all he and I see each other now is when he comes to bed. He did the mistake of spoiling, letting her have her way, lets her do what she wants, not punishing and here I am the bad guy - I'm the one causing her dad to say no once in awhile. Please help me, help my family. I love him so much and I don't want to leave.

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Sarah - posted on 09/19/2013

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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Wanted to let you know you are not alone. Your situation is similar to mine. My daughter is 15 next month, I have a autistic 17 year old son, and step-daughter who is 17. And a step son that lives with his girlfriend and two babies.
My fiancé and I have been "engaged" and living together for 5 years and have not tied the knot due to the teens behavior driving us apart! My step daughter is also extremely spoiled and has always gotten her way. She hates me even though I have been nothing but nice to her. She doesn't live with us and in her defense her mother is a big part of the problem by talking so bad about her dad and I and how he has a new family and doesn't care about her which is in no way true. She doesn't even visit anymore and only contacts dad when her car is broke down or she wants something. She treats both of us with disrespect but my fiancée is so hurt that she doesn't see him much that when he does see her she gets whatever she wants and then doesn't contact him unless she wants something. If she does want to see him she makes it very clear that she wants to see him and only him. The last text he got from her was her wanting to meet for dinner saying, " can my boyfriend and I meet "you" for dinner?" Meaning don't bring me. Hurtful yes. Surprising, no. He told her he would be happy to have dinner just the two of them if she wanted "daddy" te but if she wanted a family dinner that I would be joining him. She also smokes weed, dropped out of school, has s loser boyfriend and is going down a very bad road. It's like watching a car crash. You can't look away but you feel helpless to do anything about it.
My daughter almost 15 is giving us similar problems but I don't put up with her disrespect.
If I can give you any advise I would say to have a weekly "date" night where you spend part time discussing how you can work as a team to help her and your family to not fall apart and the majority of the time discuss your future as a married couple. Remember, she is 17. She will always be in your life but soon will be on her own and not be a daily struggle.
Hope that helps a little:)
Sarah

Desi - posted on 09/17/2013

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Mrs. Witt, thank you so much for your prayers, we sure do need them. Courtney's doc apt went well, we adjusted her medication to a higher dosage, got her birth control out of her arm and moved her onto the patch (we have a hunch she is active). Today we had my other half's apt, MS in flare, medication added, ultrasound scheduled to check on the aneurysm, full body mri scheduled to check on his MS and arthritis, and first aided two toes and my ankle when the chair jumped out and bit me (I tried so careful to not come in contact with that chair but I was so careful, I stubbed my toes and sprained my ankle). The bright side, my half cleaned the kitchen and made dinner. He came pretrained, cooks, cleans, and yes he does put the toilet seat down LOL

Ev - posted on 09/16/2013

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I am sorry to hear of all that you are having to deal with without her stuff too. Health issues like that are hard enough for a family let alone a kid doing what she is. But depression is hard to deal with also. I hope and pray that you find what you need.

Desi - posted on 09/15/2013

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Mrs. Witt,

Thank you so much for responding. Living with her mother is not an option. The last time she went to live with her mother she attempted suicide. She is on depression medication now, due to her attempt. We made a dr apt for Tuesday with her PCP, because yesterday I found a note she wrote declaring she will deliberately get hit by a car to kill herself and she is "done with this life." We are going to request a physic to get involved as this is rather alarming. Last time we tried counseling, she refused to talk about the problems she has because "I won't talk to a stranger!" I do have a nutshell problem, and obviously to me, it is getting out of hand. According to her the mother "buys love" and we do not condone that. We show, not buy in this house. I have been trying to do one and one time but she pushes me away. Yesterday, I came across National Guard for Youth and I am thinking about that. Her behavior, attitude is just unacceptable and you are so right, she is in for a very rude awaking in the real world. We thought about and even talked to her older sister, and the way they clash it isn't an option for her to live with her either. She is also lazy, won't help with the household at all. My half has MS and an aneurysm in his stomach, I have fibromyalgia and I am also in chemotherapy. We are quite a pair in our health and we need more help from her. I still have to "clean her room." I tried letting her room go by without cleaning it, and it became the dark hole. You can tell she is one of a kind...

Ev - posted on 09/13/2013

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And you have put the problem in a nut shell. He let her get away with it all and never told her no. Its a bit late to change that now and when she gets into the world she is going to learn no one is going to like her because she will forever be having fits about how it is all not going her way. Can she go live with mom? Maybe that is the answer to this. You did not mention her mother at all so I am not sure that is an option? If it is, box her stuff up and move her to moms.

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