Need help...Dating after Divorce, It's Complicated

Kissy - posted 5 days ago ( 8 moms have responded )

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I am in a serious relationship for 2 years after being in an abusive marriage. I am rebuilding my life, working, studying for a new career, have 2 kids, pets, own a home, etc. I know every relationship is different with time spent together but I feel as if he is trying to act as we live under one roof when we don't. It's causing a lot of conflict. I work until 7:30 then need to get ready and can't leave my dog earlier or he will pee. I get to his house 9:30 on weeknights. If he comes to me he arrives around 7:30. On the weekends we spend all our time together.
During the week, I do not see him 2 nights. One night because we both have our kids and it's a school night. The other because I need to clean, study, etc. I have also learned to make boundaries and in the future want that night to myself to do hobbies or make new friends. I moved to a new state...6 years ago but it feels like a blur due to all of my issues with divorce etc.
I am upset because I feel we see each other as much as we can. I value quality over quantity. He has a hobby till 9 pm every Thursday and works Saturday morning. I understand that.
I feel not seeing each other 2 weeknights a week when we both live in our own homes is good. I know it's late on a weeknight if I first get to his house at around 9:30 but I can't get there earlier. I am getting burnt out. We got into a disagreement this week. He said he needs more of me. I told him I wish I could but i do not know what to do. I told him he needs someone who has no obligations and only works the same schedule as him. He was upset as was I. He said he did not want to lose me.
Help??!!! I am at my wits end. We do not live together. I can't act as though we do. He has no pets. He has a career. Our kids see each other on weekends when we have them...that's another source of conflict now.. will get to that another time. How often is good to see a BF or GF each week?

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Sarah - posted 4 days ago

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You are right to feel smothered. Does he not trust you? Have you eve considered couples counseling? He seems to need the constant reassurance of your love by you being right at his side. What would he say or do if you said; I'd like to take a week trip with the girls and since I'll be international (or whatever) I'll check in every evening. I am interested in what you think he'd say or do.

Sarah - posted 5 days ago

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There is no easy answer to that question but that fact that you feel like the current situation is not working is what you have to pay attention too. How do see this playing out? Do you want to be with this man forever?

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Kissy - posted 4 days ago

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Thank you for all of your help and time Sarah. Will keep doing that and keep my healthy boundaries. I will see what happens.

Kissy - posted 4 days ago

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You are right, we should try counseling. I went away with my son for a weekend. He was ok but kept telling me he missed me..almost too much. I would like to go to see my old friends. I think he would be ok but at the same time it would cause a "discussion" the following week probably about our time together. I love being together but it's not healthy to not have other outlets. I think part of the problem is he moved also and does not have friends or family. He has been here since 2004 and he was married and I guess he did the same thing.

Kissy - posted 5 days ago

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I brought up the time we do spend together vs. the 2 weeknights we do not. I also told him it has nothing to do with him, I have things that need to get done, i.e. I am going back to court so I am prepping, studying, etc. I am not picking that over him. I also brought up that he does his own thing i.e. Music one night a week and work Saturday and I fully support him and would not even bring it up if he did not keep getting " mopey" about when we do not see each other. I said other couples travel, are doctors, etc and they are fine. He said he doesn't care about other people. Also, his stuff does not keep him from seeing me for the entire night. He would never let anything do that.
Ugh!!! I am very confused. You are correct Sarah, he is very insecure and he has abandonment issues from childhood and his divorce.
I love him deeply but I am at a loss. He will apologize for his actions yet still says he needs more time from me. Don't mean to go on and on, sorry.
We talked last night again. He needs to be the one to work this out. We are a team but I feel I will resent him if this continues. There are days I have in just to sleep next to him instead of getting stuff done around my house, because I could not take it.
Another issue is I am a night owl and he is not. He says he can't sleep without me next to him? I understand that is important for closeness but I also told him once or twice a month I like and want to stay up after him to 1. Get stuff like cleaning, throwing away and sorting paperwork and household items and 2. I enjoy painting and drawing in quiet. Something I gave up for over 15 years with my marriage.
I am almost afraid to move in together. This needs to be straightened out or we can't go forward. He use to get upset when I would get a migraine. He could not understand why I would not want to come over or have him come take care of me. Don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciate him offering since my ex did not care, BUT I have to have my stomach turn more in the middle of it when I need to make the dreaded I can't see you tonight call. It wasn't until he saw me throwing up that he got it that I need to be in a cold, dark room with no movement. I told him, but that wasn't good enough.
Sorry for the novel. He is a good person but I feel suffocated at times. :( I put my foot down in an assertive way but not sure if it will work. It hasn't before, but I never told him outright that I love him but maybe I am not the person for him if he needs someone to always be there. BTW we talk at least 3-5 times a day and text throughout the day.

Sarah - posted 5 days ago

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If he does bring it up, ask him to be specific in how he would like things to be different. You are already spending a lot of your free time together- how can that be different? Is he insecure or jealous?

Kissy - posted 5 days ago

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Thank you Sarah, you are right. I love him. I am just feeling stressed. I know I have a lot going on in my life and I do not have any more time. Also, even if I had nothing to do, I can't leave my dog too early. I feel as though he will only be happy if we lived under the same roof. That is not happening now. We need to make this work for both of us now. I am getting resentful and feel he does not understand my situation. At the same time I feel he is selfish, in a way. I think he may not feel like he is a priority. I tell him he is we see each other 3 weekday nights and all weekend. Constantly talk and text. He still thinks we don't spend enough time during the week, but I can't. We are at a stand still. I am seeing him tonight. Then Friday through Monday morning, except a few hours when he works Saturday. If he brings this up again I am going to explode. I don't want him to push me away. I almost feel like it's getting to that point. I do not want to feel suffocated.

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