Lauren - posted on 06/30/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )
I am new to this site and need help. I'm at my wits end about some very specific issues and just need some solid advice. I will give as brief of a story about my issues with my ex-husband and his new fiancee first. I have been divorced for 3 years now and have a wonderful 11 year old daughter. My ex husband met his girlfriend (now fiancee) at his company, meaning - she has been working for him (she is the PR manager and he is the CEO) for a few years now. They worked very closely together and even traveled together during her employment. 4 months after we signed the divorce paperwork - he told me she (let's call her Kelly) told him how she felt about him romantically and that he felt the same and started dating her. He claims he had no idea about her feelings prior to our divorce and that nothing ever happened between them while we were married.
To this day, I will never know the truth if there was an affair (emotional or physical) or not - but because of the way their relationship all started - I have some underlying trust issues with his now fiancee and probably always will. This is the basis of how their relationship came to be - which I think most women on this site can agree is hard enough for me to deal with - never mind sharing my daughter with this woman - but I felt it was necessary to mention to all of you so that you knew the foundation.
Flash forward, I am with a new man (boyfriend) who is loving and wonderful and who also has an 11 year old son. His name is Tom and as a divorced man himself - he truly understands boundaries within the dynamics of a new blended family. Meaning - he understands his place in my daughter's life and I understand my place in his son's life. However, my ex and his now fiancee Kelly - do not seem to understand the same boundaries and it has become a nightmare.
Even though it's hard sharing my daughter - I understand that this is the new normal and am doing my best to accept my daughter's new relationship with Kelly and never say a negative word about her or the time they spend together - I truly don't - even though it hurts. I just go kickboxing and beat the hell out a punching bag with those feelings and go to a great therapist as well ;).
Kelly seems kind to my daughter and my daughter likes her. So that's a good thing. But the simple fact is - Kelly has never been married or had children. This is one of the issues I am facing now - her total lack of understanding where she fits in and what her role is as a fiancee (soon to be step-mom) combined with an ex-husband who allows Kelly the freedom to act as his proxy on many issues that are both legally and emotionally out of bounds.
One of the many reasons for our divorce was that he truly became married to his job and basically checked out on his responsibilities as a father and a husband. He admitted it during the divorce and at least owns it. However, he is still acting this way in his new relationship and now wants Kelly to raise our daughter on his behalf while he pops in and out when convenient. We have a MSA and a parenting plan and I consistently tell him that he cannot continue to shrug off his 50% custody onto Kelly and allow her to do things that not only go against our MSA but also are emotionally causing huge issues. He is highly manipulative and crafty as well as verbally hurtful and narcissistic. He finds ways of getting around the MSA/parenting plan and basically wants Kelly to act as his proxy. Here are a few examples of this:
He had Kelly call my daughters school (on his behalf) to request transcripts to be sent to a new school she is starting this Fall. I was already in the middle of organizing these transactions - but he just went ahead and did it anyway. The school knew I was already handling it and told Kelly I was already in the process of signing the necessary forms and that she is not allowed to be involved in these matters. But he tries stuff like this all the time.
In terms of time sharing - Kelly spends about 30% of the 50% he legally should be spending with his daughter. Basically she is my daughter's caregiver at this point.
Those are just two of many examples of the inappropriate behavior. I consistently tell him that how he allows Kelly to act on his behalf is highly inappropriate and is sometimes legally against our MSA and that his emotional behavior also has become increasingly abusive. How do you guys handle these kind of situations? What can I do? Please help. Thank you for listening..