Need help letting go of anger against his father.

Andrea - posted on 04/02/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I am having a really hard time letting go of the anger and resentment I have toward my 13 month old sons father. I spent the enitre 9 months being pregnant trying to make things work with him, but after all of the cheating, lies and him NEVER being supportive it didn't work out. After that he claimed he wanted to be an excellent father and we came up with an "agreement." Ha-well the agreement was never followed through, he does and has bought him diapers and wipes bu that is it and is terribly inconsistent. The minute I found out I was pregnant my life was forever changed and his has not changed one bit. He doesn't pay for him, puts everything before him. He still gets to go to the gym everyday, work normal hours without the worry of childcare, go on vacations, date; basically he does what he wants. The feelings I have are hard to deal with because I received the most amazing gift in the world and my baby boy makes me smile a million times throughout the day, but I have so much anger towards his dad. I don't want to let him see him anymore unless he is consistent, but how do I go about that. Everything is such a struggle and I think any help from him would be nice, but I'm so sick of him coming and going as he pleases. After 2 years, I am ready for my life back. Anger and bitterness weigh too heavy on the heart and I need to be as strong as possible for my little one.

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[deleted account]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, but I personally wouldn't waste time going for a court order; I found it only increased my feelings of resentment particularly when it's unlikely it will be able to be enforced, unfortunately.



What I found helped me the most was to write everything down, all my feelings, all my bitterness. It doesn't have to be chronological, it doesn't even have to make sense; what is important is to get it out of you. It's even okay if you do this several times, because, unlike when talking with friends, even dear friends, the paper doesn't tire of hearing it all over and over, however many times it takes to get it out. BUT, AND HERE'S THE IMPORTANT BIT...



After writing everything down for a session, I would read it all through, and because of my Faith in God (but it isn't necessary if you have no belief), I would pray and whilst safely burning the sheets of paper where all that emotion had been released, would send all of that to God, and the burying of the remaining ashes meant, to me, that the past was now buried and would no longer impact my future. I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I found that much more liberating than the hours I'd spent in therapy. Soon it became less of a burden, and these days I can even be in the same room as my ex without feeling overpowered by bitterness.



Face it, as he is the father of your child, your child has a right to know his father and because you love and want the best for your child, you have to be an adult and be in contact with the man even if you'd rather he disappeared off of the face of the earth. Taking court action often only prolongs the grief...and in my case I found it a fruitless endeavour, as even with a court order, there was no way of getting money from a man who was intent on with-holding it, there are far too many ways to avoid paying (including losing their job).



So cut your losses, accept that your son needs to know and have some relationship with his father, accept also that life isn't fair, and get on with being the best mother you can be, and do your best to support your child. My prayers are with you both, mother and child...in time you may find, because of your behaviour, your child will see what is really happening and make his own decisions about his father. Whatever happens, never criticise or allow others to criticise your child's father even when your child appears not to be listening, or even in the room...its amazing what a child hears when one thinks they are safely somewhere else, and really, your relationship with his father has little to do with him. Let him be a child and enjoy his childhood without being encumbered by your feelings... God bless.

Jackie - posted on 04/04/2012

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Andrea, it's time to move forward. No one can love you, until you love yourself. Obviously you have accepted your grown up responsibility of having a child, now like and respect yourself for it. When other people invite you to do something, say "yes". This is your "yes" period. Decide you like yourself, and say yes when you are invited by anyone to do anything, go to coffee, hike, look a picture they drew, WHATEVER, say "yes" and you will find your life full and fulfilling.

Jennifer - posted on 04/04/2012

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What you need is a court order for child support. If he wants to co-parent, there needs to be a court order for that. If he wants to walk away, he needs to completely sign over his parental rights. Give your anger to Christ. Give your child support plea to the judge.

[deleted account]

Just remember to love your child more than you hate him. That's the best way to see the correct options. Get the custody arrangements in writing and hold him to it.



And stop expecting help, just assume its' not coming and won't ever come. By expecting help, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and more anger.

[deleted account]

It's hard. I was very angry and bitter when my ex left (4 years ago). It takes time (sometimes a lot of it) to get your heart and head in a good place.



Honestly... try turning that anger into pity. Yes, your son is missing out on having a good, consistent father and that part sucks and will most likely keep coming up for the next 17+ years, but.... think of what your ex is missing out on and how much he may regret it in the future.



Yes, it's hard doing it alone and it shouldn't be that way, but.... you get to see all the firsts, your son's smiles and laughter, be the only one he wants when he's sick and hurting, etc....



I had to do that to start getting over the anger surrounding my ex and while things do come up that make me angry (since he's not consistent, but I still have to deal w/ him on occasion), but really? My ex is the one really getting 'screwed' here and it was all his choice.



In 2012 my ex has only spoken to his kids ONCE. He was waiting for my girls (10 now) to call him for 2 months before he finally called THEM. Really... you're going to make your kids be the ones 'responsible' for keeping a relationship w/ you? Pathetic.



See? Pity, not anger. ;) Hang in there! It does get easier. ♥

14 Comments

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User - posted on 10/02/2013

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I'd encourage you to find a supportive community. Are you a Christian? Do you have a church family? I'd find a faithful group of people who can provide the love and acceptance you need/desire. Forgiveness is between you and God, more than you and the person who's offended you/abandoned you/etc. This man may never change, but you have to move on and find peace. Pray for him to change, love him through it (if you love him), and in the meantime take care of your heart so you can take care of your son. www.stiversfamily.wordpress.com Blessings Mama. UPDATE: I just realized this is an old thread. I hope you're doing well, Andrea. Prayed for you and your son this evening.

[deleted account]

Andrea, it is at times like this that 'writing your anger out of you' works so well, it doesn't have to make sense, it can just be disjointed words, write until you can write no more, then burn it, and refuse to take it up again.....God bless.

Andrea - posted on 04/11/2012

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I am so frustrated today. I wish my sons father didn't affect me and my mood so much. I thought I could turn the anger into pity, but now I see it is just not that easy and it doesn't happen over night. Since last week I did really well and was civil to him and he actually got Khylan from friday evening to sunday morning (I won't get into the transportation issues and hassles from that) but needless to say he spent some time with him, and on sunday morning when we met for me to take Khy home he says, "I'm going to start picking him up on tuesdays and weekends.". I'm thinking yeah right, for one- you won't be getting him that many days a week and two- you won't follow through anyway. Anyway I say ok to get going since he was a half hour late, I was in a hurry. Keep in mind we just received court papers in the mail for child support for july 30th. So for one that pisses me off that now we have a court date he thinks he needs to step it up and try to get him as much as he can right before court. Sorry, but it doesn't work like that you pos. Anyway, tuesday rolls around and of course I've heard nothing from him. So finally I text him about 1 to see if he would be there to pick our son up at 4. I get a 2 page text from him saying I need to go to a prompt med clinic after work to get some cream for his hands. SERIOUSLY!!?? All I want to do is scream and yell at him and say really mean and terrible things bc he is a terrible father, but instead all I say was ok to avoid even talking to him. Oh don't worry about it, don't wory about the fact that I HAD PLANS tonight to play volleyball for a few hours with my friends which I never get to do, don't worry about the fact that your son loves you so much and loves spending time with you and his brothers, and don't worry about the fact that you are a deadbeat who is once again cancelling plans just hours before. I can't just supress this anger, and it drains me. I feel like he sucks the life out of me. I make sure I put on a happy and cheery self for my baby bc he is most important and I have the will for that and I go to work, and clean the house and cook 3 meals a day, but in my down time my mind is wondering in his fathers direction and I become angry and get down. I want MY life back, but at the end of the day I look back and think what did you do for yourself today? And most, there is nothing unless you count taking a shower. And its so conflicting bc my life with my son is completely different and I couldn't be happier, but then there is me who I am not happy with, at all. Thanks for listening, it sure does help to vent and hear from others.

Andrea - posted on 04/05/2012

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Good news, we finally got a court date! APparently they found his address. The hard part is that he will probably not sign for the papers when he gets served so guess who has to serve him-me. Yuck, that doesn't sound very appealing, but I have to do it. I feel really good right now and am ready to move forward with MY life :) without him sucking the life out of me. What a great group of women-thanks for all of the responses. I am 26 almost 27 and can you believe none of my friends have babies so this is definitely a nice escape.

Michelle - posted on 04/05/2012

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Get the arrangements not just in writing but filed with the court. My greatest regret right now is I said it was ok that he was paying me directly rather than out of his paycheck. Well low & behold 5 years later he has another child, this one a boy, and suddenly I'm not getting my support and WORST, he's taking the boy everywhere and leaving my daughter with relatives. He's calmed down on that now but she's still hurt by it but doesn't know how to tell him directly fore fear "he'll be mad." So the anger is welling up again. So that's my advice in trying to settle as much now so it doesn't well up again (like for me!)

Audra - posted on 04/04/2012

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A man who will act like this as a father...who will take the path of least resistance...who would rather be irresponsible, neglectful, pleasure-seeking, selfish, unreliable...is far worse off. He might appear to be 'free,' but you wouldn't want that quality of life...knowing who he should be caring for and looking the other way. What starts out as anger will become pity for him. You will play such an important role in your baby's life...what you teach him will influence so many of his decisions in his own life. He'll only be small once...and he'll grow SO fast. Don't give your son's father the satisfaction of affecting you. You move on. You can recognize his role as your son's biological father, but you move on and make your life with your son what you want it to be. Forgive him, and wish him the best...and then put him out of your mind. Don't you let him keep you from being incredible. You're beautiful. You're strong. You're a mother :), and it's awe-some. You'll be tired. But you will not be alone.

Katherine - posted on 04/04/2012

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I expected a lot from my babys dad...and thought becasue of her she would change but he didnt ..he still claims he is a changed man and who knows maybe he is but too late for me. He can change for his daughter but for me is too late. I wish him best though i have no ressentment...is an experiences and me not being mad makes me a better person and makes me happy not to have anger and it works for my new relationship

Andrea - posted on 04/04/2012

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Everyone is right. I need to just let go. My problem was I have always had extremely high expectations for my sons fatjher and I was let down over and over AND OVER. I am working on healing myself and there is no doubt I will find someone that can at least be a support system for myself and a positive role model for my baby. Sometimes you just need to vent and when none of your friends have babies, they just don't understand. While his father is in vegas right now, bc obviously that is what you should be doing when you have 3 kids and don't take care of them, I am detoxing from his disgusting self :)

Katherine - posted on 04/03/2012

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Similar case....first of all as you noticed he will never change! I have a 3 yr old babygirl...love her to death, but as soon as i got pregnant if my relationship was somewhat bad it became worst...he would work around 30hrs overtime in one week...never b home plus we werent living together yet he was always tired and i tried to be understanding since he worked all the time...mind u i worked full time and went to chool full time and was pregnant...anyways always kept hope into things will get better and he would change, well nothing ever changed. Everytime we would break he would tell me would change etc...i even tried couples counseling , therapy...etc..he moved out of the house for about 6 months we would still c each other n it was like a relationship of bf and gf , my mistake was letting him stay over the weekend and then he left on sunday night to his moms house and was not back until friday night....that happened for over 6 months.....whenever i asked him when would he move back in he would put many excuse...make story short i left him, then he realized he lost something really good but i was determined move foward...i was trying to keep my family together but i noticed that it was making me unahppy not to mention i didnt want my daughter to grow up in an enviroment where there was no love no respect with their parents. He begged me and cried to take him back...but it was too late...i can say now more than ever im happy, Im married and planning to conceive now...as for my daughters father he tries to make my life a living hell but once i let go all the grudges , all the dissapointments, all the pain he caused me ...nothing mattered. I had to make sure i forgave him in my heart and my mind to move on without any kind of ressentment..now theres nothing he cants say or do to me that would bother me...n is funny how it works out because now he is the one that is very angry...tries to hurt me everyway possible even using his own daughter but it was his fault. My advice to u is to let go completely...once u let go all the anger of everything he did to u and made u go through ull b better,....as a matter of fact u wont even ask for anything from him.It will be hard but u got to prove urself that u dont need no1 to raise ur child. Think ahead, think that one day witout u even saying anything ur child would look up to u and he would know u did it on ur own. ur son would know who has really been there for him without no1 telling hum anything. Hope it helps

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