Need help please

Hazel - posted on 09/16/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I have been a been married for 8 years. I do not have children of my own, but my husband has one son, named D, which he has full custody since my stepson was 1 year old. Mother was not in the picture. When my husband and I where dating we would take D with us. The first year my husband and I were dating things with D was great no problems and we had great communication. Bio Mom not once came to visit D or call him. Fast forward a year after we decided to get married. They day of my wedding Bio Mom decided to "pick up her son for visitation". (Court documents said she only got him on her days off and no over night visits.)
Ever since that day SHE had made our life HELL. Not just mine but also D. Making promises she could not keep like, telling D she was going to take him to live with her. Every time D would come back from Bio Mom he became defiant, rude, disrespectful. The following years it did not get any better but became worse. Bio Mom wanted "full custody" We went to court for 2 years and Bio Mom did not get her way. She got every other weekend visitation. We have been to family counseling, parent counseling, D has been in counseling for over 6 years. We have tried to include Bio Mom in all the couseling sessions. She Refuses. When D starts acting in school and grades go low my husband tries to contact her. She refuses to speak to my husband and says that they only communicate thru text messages. When he does and explains how D is acting, or if she can help when he has a school assignment on the weekend he is with her. She says, I am the fun parent and if he has time he will do it. We have spoken to D about this and he says he will change but has not. D is now 15 and things have not gotten any better. D's behavior, rudeness, disrespect, and disobedience is only towards me. When my husband talks to him, He always gives the same response, "My REAL mom said I do not have to listen to her only to you". D says to us, "the midnight he turns 18 he is out of the house and will live with his mom and never come back as long as I am in the house"
I came into D's life when he had just turn 7 and now he is 15. I do not know what else to do. My husband and I keep a united front. We discussed things in private and if we disagree or something D does we never disagree in front of him. My husband and I have put on hold having a baby, because we were just focusing on D to get used to the blending family but its been 8 years. And D is not getting any better. Granted is not always bad, we have good times too. But if he texts his mom and he says for example I am at the movies with my parents. She tells that movie is not appropriate for him, He decides to have an attitude and start being rude and disrespect full. I know this is a long story but I really don't know what to do. We say the sky is blue and if Bio Mom says it Red, D says its red and nothing we can say or do will change it.
I understand she is his Bio Mom and he never really had her in his life. I also don't want to take her place. I understand that maybe one day he will realize that I love him and only want the best for him. I also understand that he is conflicted. That he does not want to hurt his mom.
I am just exhausted of fighting and asking for some respect.

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Jodi - posted on 09/16/2016

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That was two years ago, though. Ask him if he wants to go and live with his mum. If he says yes, then you guys tell him that you just want him to be happy and if that's what will make him happy, then you will support him in that choice. THEN he needs to talk to his mum about it. Let her be the one to tell him he can't and explain why. I know it will break his heart, but maybe it's time for the harsh reality. You don't tell him you WANT him to live with mum, focus on you wanting him to be happy because you love him.

Jodi - posted on 09/16/2016

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Maybe it's time to let him live with her if that's what he wants so much. My thoughts are, it probably won't last because she won't like it and he will start to gain new appreciation for you and his dad. She can't be Disneyland mum if she has him all the time.

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Hazel - posted on 09/16/2016

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Well the thing is, when we did go to court after 2 long years, We where just plain tired. My husband said to the our lawyer, "if she wants him, let her take him". At court, Bio Mom said, "I can't take him now, I just don't want his wife in MY son's life". It broke my heart because my son was there to hear his mother say that. Even when my son heard that, D has made excuses for her. She has broken his heart, disappointed him in every way but he fights for her like she is super mom. I am just exhausted and do not know what to do anymore. My husband is also exhausted. We just pray and to our best to keep a united front. I just need advice to keep me going

Hazel - posted on 09/16/2016

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Jodi, we have done literally everything. We sit him down and talk to him. I have lost my cool plenty of times. We ground him, take his electronics away play station, laptop, add extra chores to for him to do. We take him to counseling. We have removed his bedroom door. We take his cell phone away but due to a court order we can not prevent him from using it to call his mom or receive calls from her. So when she does call, and he tell her he is grounded. Even when he tells her why he is grounded. She tell him "don't worry its not a big deal, when you come and see me we can make up for what they take away". So it really doesn't faze him anymore because he has his mom to back him up

Jodi - posted on 09/16/2016

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Respect is not too much to ask for. What are his consequences for treating you with disrespect? You haven't mentioned anything about that. I'm assuming he has some.

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