Need help to save my relationship/family!

Charlotte - posted on 04/27/2011 ( 23 moms have responded )

359

43

36

We met 10 years ago and fell in love almost 5 years ago. We got together 4 years ago after my marriage to my violent ex-hubby ended and my twin daughters were 18 months. He loved them like his own and they always called him "Daddy". We had a son togther 3 years ago who is the apple of his daddy's eye. My man is The One for me. We were happy and fine until 1 week ago. My man wants us to break up because we aren't made to live together according to him. For 6 days I cried and tried to understand why as he wouldn't say any more about it. Then I realised maybe I had been being a bit selfish lately and so I made a list of promises to be a better partener to him but he still hesitated. And now he's determined that we are to split up. I am a sahm, english and we live in France in the same town as his parents but I have no friends of my own here and no family. I don't want to become a single mother of 3 kids totally alone. I can't believe he can just abandon me and the 3 kids like that without a single regret! No reason either!I have promised to do all I can to make him happy. I can't believe it's him talking, he's suddenly changed, he's not the same. He accuses me of manipulating him and of lying. He said, with a tear in his eye that he wanted us to still be a couple but not live together, 5 mins later he said he didn't say that! I think he's not right in the head. Mental illness runs in his familly and before we got together he went through a deprassion and suffered from paranoia for 2 years. He always said that I helped him get over that. And now he's going.I'm hurting so much and I don't know what to do! I can't sleep, I can't eat! I can't believe what's happening! Last week we were fine! And our split, when he gets started of the practical side is gona take a few months but he refuses to stay with his parents so it's just dragging out my suffering and that of the kids!I feel as if me and the kids are being punished but god only know what we've done to deserve it!
Please if anyone has any advise to help me through this. I am desperate!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Rita - posted on 04/28/2011

6

0

0

I am so sorry!!! I believe that once one decides he/hae is leaving the marriage nothing can stop them. And if something does, it is never good. Pull yourself up by your boot straps, put a smile on your face for your kids, tell him you will always love him and close the door behind him. You can love someone without needing them. And you only think you need them. Apparently he thinks he has the answer to his unhappiness. Let him find out if he does or not. If, in fact it is the beginning of another bout of mental illness, medication will be more helpful than anything. After he is stable, perhaps he will see things differently. It sounds like you are lucky that he listens to his father and that his father loves and respects you. Therefore, he will have not only your husbands', but your best interest in mind. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jodi - posted on 04/27/2011

3,562

36

3907

Charlotte, you might be able to get him to agree to counselling if you approach him in a way that "we at least owe the kids that we give it a try".....that angle might get him there? I don't know him, so I can't be sure, but just a suggestion.

Firebird - posted on 04/27/2011

2,660

30

521

He probably doesn't believe you when you tell him that he keeps changing what he says, but a counselor might be able to at least help him make up his mind, and then you'll know where this all stands.

Jodi - posted on 04/27/2011

3,562

36

3907

He literally just changed overnight?



Is it possible he is seeing someone else? It just doesn't sound right that all of a sudden he is accusing you of all these things and wants to break up.



The best I can suggest is marriage counselling - that might at least help to get to the bottom of it.



I am really sorry you are going through this.

23 Comments

View replies by

Tanya - posted on 09/03/2013

287

0

27

I believe he is manipulating you... I'd move on.

You're being played, you're basically waiting on him. They are plenty of single mothers (I'm married) out there. I'd rather be single than waiting on this guy to make a decision...Believe me he will start taking advantage of you soon enough, this game will not stop. I believe once there is a crack in the relationship like the one you have, it's basically over.

What are 'feelings' he is talking about? I mean you're the mother of his child... and he has 'feelings'? I'd want to be with someone who loves me... not someone who has 'feelings'.

That's just my opinion.

Charlotte - posted on 05/08/2011

359

43

36

So it's been a week and we're all happier than before. The only fly in the ointment is that my man won't say if he's gona stay or go! I have to admit I think he'll stay and he just needs time to be able to say it. I'll just have to keep on being patient even though it's really hard. As long as he doesn't say he's staying I know there's still a chance he'll go and it's killing me not knowing. I feel like my life's on hold!

Charlotte - posted on 05/04/2011

359

43

36

Thanks Constance, your post really boosred me and I think there is hope for us yet. We made love again last night. Twice! He can see that I'm a "new" woman now but I think it'll take time to believe it's for real. He still won't say yes or no to a second chance for us. And he hasn't taken any action towards an eventual separation. He's probably gona be out of work soon so we are both concentrating on getting jobs, my 1st cv is going off today!
I am feeling much stronger now and the only thing I need to complete my happinness is him and he knows that. I'll just have to be patient.

Constance - posted on 05/02/2011

2,651

24

146

Charlotte, I am sorry you are going through this.After reading your last post I think maybe he doesn't completely know what he wants. I have been going through this with my husband. About 6 monthes ago we sat down and put it all on the table. I mean everything was put on the table and we made the decision that we would continue to try to wok things out but if we still couldn't make them better by the time I finished school and had a job that I could support myself and kids we would separate. But after that conversation we actually did start getting bette. We weren't fighting as much and now he lives in another state due to work. It has given us a much needed break. We are still vey much together, it isn't perfect but we are still trying.
I hope things get better soon. Good luck.

Charlotte - posted on 05/02/2011

359

43

36

Here's the latest. We talked and we both know where we went wrong even though I realised that before talking. He said he still wants to leave but is leaving the door open, as he put it. He now says he still has "feelings" for me. Yesterday we spent a great day at the beach, all 5 of us, probably the best beach day we ever had! Last night we made love. Neither of us regret it. He says he now has doubts whether or not to leave. I have to say I have woken up and smelt the coffee as they say! I wasn't myself lately but all this has changed me to the core and definitively, not my character but the way I see myself and the way I see him. I love myself for the first time since I was a kid and I love him more than ever. Ishall just have to wait and see what the future holds....

Charlotte - posted on 04/29/2011

359

43

36

I wish I could go back home but my children's fathers won't let me take them out of the country. If he goes, I'm all alone trapped in a situation I won't be able to deal with.
I don't understand. Just over a week ago we spent a fab day out as a family and in the evening we made love and he said he loved me. He even said he loved me on sunday. And he says he loves the kids. I don't get it.
I'd just like to add that we were engaged, not yet married.

Louise - posted on 04/28/2011

5,429

69

2322

My husband was the same and he changed over night but when I look back the signs were there and we have been married 21 years.

My husband and I have looked for some councilling to help us because we have had many years together and the split is going to be massive. I understand totally how you feel but promising to change is not the answer here. Something has changed in him not you, he needs to be willing for things to work out to stay. Our councillor told my husband that he was having a mid life crisis and needed helping through it. is this possible of your husband, has he been under any financial stress to do with work?

Until your husband works this out I strongly urge you to protect yourself and sit down and work out what you are going to do should the worst happens. Could you come home to England and live with family until you find your feet. Being stuck in a foreign country and alone is not fun. Take a deep breath and try and put the emotional things to the back of your mind and sort the practical financial problems out first. You have to face the fact that this may be the end of your marriage and for your childrens sake you have to think of their future. I won't lie to you this is going to be a terrible time for you, especially as you did not see this coming. Try and get your family around you so that they can take the pressure off with the kids and go off and have a cry should you need to.

Sit down with your husband tonight and ask if he is willing to work things through with a councillor or something, if he says yes then you have hope if he says no then you have to go to plan B.

Sue - posted on 04/28/2011

10

3

0

Sounds like it could be a bipolar episode coming on. I'm not making excuses for him, but I have a family member that is manic depressent and a rare from of bipolar. This is how it comes on. Either that or he's cheating on you and is trying to cover his tracks by making you look like the bad guy to make him self look better. It's a guilt trip he's playing on you if that's the case. Do not blame yourself! Call a doctor and tell him what he's doing and see what he says.

Jackie - posted on 04/28/2011

1,415

44

72

Leaving your family high and dry is in NO WAY respectable in anyone's eyes. He's either lost his mind or he's cheating. Sorry, I have nothing. But I really do wish you and your little ones all the luck in world. Who know... maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

Charlotte - posted on 04/28/2011

359

43

36

I have suggested counselling at least for the children's ake and he said no! And he claims that his dad won't intervene because he respects his descision to leave his family!

Jodi - posted on 04/27/2011

3,562

36

3907

Good idea Charlotte. He might listen to his dad. But if he has just flipped overnight, who knows. Anything is worth a try though before you give up on it. I guess there DOES come a point at which you have to say you have done everything you can. Maybe some other ladies will have some suggestions.....I'm all out. Good luck with getting him to listen to his dad :)

Charlotte - posted on 04/27/2011

359

43

36

Thanks ladies. Jodi, I tried to get him to make an effort for the kids' sake but for some reason it's not working. He is showing no emotion whatsoever. We are going to try to get his dad to reason with him. He usually listens to his father even when he won't listen to anyone else but he's changed so much I don't know if it'll come to anything.

Tia - posted on 04/27/2011

10

1

0

I agree with the post bu Jodi adams. Counselling might help and f you tell him it's for the sake of the kids then he will more than likely agree. Also if your fears about him being having some kind of mental illness, a medical professional (Therapist) will pick it up. Dont make any accusations just let the professional person know there is at history of mental illness and have proof. Stay positive if this is just a mental illness chances are he will come back and realise he needs you. Dont close the book just yet. Hang in there and stay positive for the sake of your children.

Charlotte - posted on 04/27/2011

359

43

36

Yes over-night! It's just horrible! I don't think there's another woman, there's no evidence of one and that's really not his style. As for councelling, I agree it'd be a great idea but I don't know if he'd accept or even if we'd get anywhere with it as he's being so stubborn and determined! And he keeps changing what he says!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms