Need help with fiance and son

Ashley - posted on 05/07/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




I'm 22 and I have an almost 3yr old son named Caden. His father, Justin and I are planning on getting married at the end of June and I'm excited in a way but I don't know if I'm making the right decision. Justin has very little interest in me and practically zero interest in Caden. He never has. We did get pregnant at a young age (I was 19 and he was 18) but I grew up instantly and my entire world revolves around my son. I'm not perfect by any means and I make all kinds of mistakes but I take good care of my son and he loves me. But justin won't pay him a drop of attention. He didn't help with ANYTHING for the first 14 months of Caden's life. He wouldn't get a job and my parents were raising me and caden while justin laid on his mom's couch and slept. But he finally got a job and we moved out on our own. But he still ignores caden. He says that since he brings home the money that that's all he has to do. I'm a stay at home mom and I will be the first to admit that I'm not the best housekeeper. But I was in a bad car wreck and broke my elbow and my arm is messed up bad and will be for the rest of my life. I am legally disabled. Anyway he works nights and it's only 15 nights a month because his company recently went to 12 hour shifts. All he does the whole time he's off is sleep. Constantly. He refuses to help with anything around the house or with caden. He even makes my 75 yr old grandfather mow our yard. He is beyond lazy. My mom helps with everything while he does nothing. He's very hateful and cusses me all the time and constantly yells. Caden spends half his life with his hands over his ears. But we recently found out caden might have autism. He's almost 3 and only knows about 5 words. He just babbles. He's in speech therapy but it hasn't made a difference. We have an appointment with a specialist to find out more in a few weeks. He also has kidney problems and has to go to a university hospital over 3 hours away for tests. The point being he needs extra help and I'm the only one giving it to him. Justin wants no part of being a father and the only time he pays attention to caden is when he's yanking his arm for something. He has dislocated it on two different occasions. Caden tries to play with him and begs for attention but he ignores him. He's never been to a doctors appointment (even when he was a baby) and doesn't seem to care about the possible autism. A big part of it is his work buddies. They're all in their early twenties like him but none of them have families. They're just wild rowdy boys. And they try to get him to be too. One of them even got him drunk a few weeks ago and that almost killed me because my dad is an alcoholic and we've had a very hard time with it. My family tells me to leave him but it's not that simple. He is the only source of income we have. If he wasn't here we wouldn't have food or a house or anything. And I can not stand the thought of having to hand caden over to him on the weekends and leaving. His family is nuts and and they only see caden about 15 times a year (they have never helped with anything at all whatsoever) anyway because they live farther away. He doesn't really know them and would freak if I left him alone with them. He's never been away from me for more than a couple hours and that's only happened on very rare occasions and only my mom has kept him without me. I would never leave him alone with justin because he won't watch him and he's mean to him. And since he's the only one with a job I know the court or whatever would make me let him have him some. I don't know how we would make it without justin but I don't know if I can handle this the rest of my life. I'm very religious and I know that cohabitation is a sin without being married so that's my main reason for wanting to go through with the wedding. Plus we've already bought almost everything and sent out invitations. Justin can occasionally be nice and when he is, I can't imagine life without him. We've been together 4 years. But now that caden is having more problems I'm going to need help and caden needs a dad. Just being in the same room doesn't mean they're spending time together. Especially when one of them is always asleep. I'm not at all close to my dad but I have my mom and I'm a girl. Even though caden has me, he's a boy and when he gets older will want a dad too. If I could have it my way, I just want us to get married and stay together and be a happy family. But I dont think think justin will ever change and I can't make it without him. I only have one friend in the entire world and we only text. I never get to leave the house but he gets to go wherever whenever with whoever. So my question is, should I get married or not and how can I get him to care more about caden? Anything is appreciated. Remember that caden can't talk.


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Sarah - posted on 05/07/2014




I think you have already answered your question about marriage. One thing I will tell you is that marriage is the easiest when you are dating. ....If it is hard now then it will only become harder. People do more and act differently when they are pursuing another person. Once you know you "have" the other person it takes work and effort to keep those actions going. You can't make him care more about his son. ....He has to want to and make the effort to do it. There is nothing you can do or say. He will in the end suffer the consequences of his actions by not having a bond with his son and at some point it will be your son's choice if he wants to pursue that relationship or not. My suggestion would be to involve positive male role models in his life.....your grandfather maybe.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/07/2014




Get yourself an attorney. Get confirmation of paternity. Take Justin to court for support & visitation.

GET HIM OUT. Although, I do have to say that your family is enabling quite a lot of his behaviour, he should not be disrespecting them, but they SHOULD NOT ALLOW the behaviour. If grandpa (for example) would kick his ass for being a disrespectful little punk and not taking care of his responsibilities, I bet he'd start mowing the lawn...

He'll be pissed, and he'll want partial custody. Which, technically is his right, but you have the right to request supervised visitation, if you have proof of previous abuse (dislocating the kid's shoulder, for example, where are the med records for that?).

Yeah, the sex was fun, and it was great to 'play house' for awhile, but girls mature more quickly. Some guys are awesome, but others aren't. Make the break. Don't put up with his shit any longer.

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