Need help with my 18 year old who acts violently.

Gaynor - posted on 07/30/2011 ( 206 moms have responded )

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I have an 18 (nearly 19) year old boy who is violent when he loses at games and throws things around and smashes things. I have tried kicking him out but he always comes home a few days later saying "I am sorry." Until recently, I have managed to calm him down but now its taking its toll on me. He doesn't earn enough to get a place of his own, and I need advice or help. Can anyone help me please?

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Jodi - posted on 07/30/2011

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Stop listening to him saying "I'm sorry". Tough love. If he doesn't earn enough for a place of his own, he will have to look for shared accommodation or get a second job. Honestly, you are not doing him any favours by continuing to give in. He comes back and says he is sorry because he knows you are a pushover and you don't really mean it when you throw him out. His behaviour is simply unacceptable and he needs to be told "NO".

Mira - posted on 07/31/2011

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Hello Gaynor. My heart is breaking with yours as we have a family member who went through a similar circumstance years ago. Since then, I have learned a few things and I hope this will help.
I appreciate the well-meaning suggestions of anger management classes. That can be a help. However, it should only be considered transition, as your son needs some therapy. Anger management will only help him to "appear" appropriate, but won't deal with the deeper issues. You, nor your husband, are to blame, but you guys can be quite helpful in finding your son the help he needs. Once the underlying cause of his anger is dealt with, there will be no need for him to "manage" his anger. Again, anger management can be helpful in the meantime, but please, for his safety and yours, find someone who has experience in dealing with this problem. It shouldn't take a long time, and most towns have programs to assist in finding, and funding, the help that's needed.
Things can get better - don't lose hope!

Michelle - posted on 07/31/2011

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Hi Gaynor -
At the moment you are an enabler (and it does not help your situation at all) ... and it suits him.
You have to be cruel to be kind my dear - He has you exactly where he wants you -
So ... turn the tables around for a change.
Set some rules and regulations ... and have him pay his way for staying with you ...
or even suggest that if he throws a tantrum again or in any way gets aggressive ... he has to pack and move out and you will not accept him back into your house ... as his actions is upsetting you and you do not deserve this from him.
He is not a baby anymore and he knows what is right and wrong.
I know it is a difficult situation - but my friend had the same problem and this is what she did to her son .. in the end it worked out for both of them.

Tamara - posted on 07/30/2011

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It sounds to me like he should be in anger management. If he is attacking you then he needs to be out of y our house. Even if you are walking on egg shells to not upset him, you dont need to live that way,

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/30/2011

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You need to stop being a softy to him. He is almost 19, he is a man. He can go out to the world on his own accord, and break shit in his own place that he is paying for. Don't be a door mat. He comes and says sorry, next time say..."good, when you visit me from your new place, you will have respect in my home."

Tamara, that is not the root of the problem. The boy cannot handle defeat. It sounds like he needs a foot to shove him out the door.

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Diane - posted on 08/07/2011

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How long has he been exhibiting this behavior? Does he do it with other people also or act violently in public or at his job? My son has struggled with this type of behavior since he was 6 years old. He is finally stable and on medicine that targets bipolar disorder and also a neurological disorder. We have taken him to many doctors and he has been to several hospitals in the past 4 years and we finally have a handle on it. I do not know how long you have seen this behavior, though, and it concerns me-if it has had a sudden onset-I would advise that you take him to a medical doctor or neurologist to see if he has had a brain injury, or is possibly having seizures inside his brain that do not manifest as an epileptic seizure-they manifest as an explosive behavior episode (cerebral dysrythmia is one type). He may need to go to a psychiatrist and be evaluated for depression or a mood disorder (depression in males generally manifests as anger). He will probably not want to go to the doctor as he will feel that he can control his behavior, he is sorry, and it will not happen again. As the parent and also as the victim of these episodes-he should not be given a choice as to whether he goes and receives help for this disorder. If he refuses to go to the doctor, then give him this choice: He checks himself in at the local psychiatric hospital for help and begins medical treatment or he moves out. If he acts out again before you can enforce this-call 911 and file charges. Encourage them to take him in for psych help-as he is an adult-you may not be able to tell the police and paramedics to take him to a psych hospital (there are different age requirements for a parent to commit their child) but I do know you can go to the local courthouse and file that he needs to be committed. Do not give him a choice. If you do not get a handle on this-he will become more and more abusive, he will not be able to have healthy relationships with others, and he will not be able to work. If this is a medical or chemical issue-it is not his fault but it will need to be identified and treated. And it will not happen overnight. Good luck-I will be praying for you-I know God was by our side with our son-he was restrained so many times by police, teachers, doctors, and us as he was so violent. We had to call the police to the house twice to get control. And he is still relatively manageable in size.As kids get bigger and they are out of control, it puts you in danger. Last August, God answered our prayers and by chance we finally found a doctor that knew exactly what he needed. We have been healing ever since. God Bless. There is hope.

Charlie - posted on 08/07/2011

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Dont use quick fix soloutions you need to get to the bottom of the reason for his behaviour , he needs to see a councellor to find out the reasons and to give him the tools to help him deal with his own emotions.

Barbara - posted on 08/07/2011

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Rent him an apartment for one month. Then, tell him it's up to him to keep the rent and the utlitlities paid. I know it's hard, but you have to "tough love" some times.

Bette - posted on 08/07/2011

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does your local health dept have a program to help kids with emotional problems? At 18, he can't be helped by "MOM" alone. The MAN you are describing needs professional help..I didn't get mine help until, at 17, he put me in the hospital...get him help NOW

URAINA - posted on 08/07/2011

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Use the old school way and get a belt to him! If you have to let him know it is time to be a man and earn his own way! If he earns enough to get a room than that's a start! I'll be praying for you and him! God is good all the time! Because if you are called home to heaven, what will he do? Discipline is our God given right! We do it because we love them! God Bless you!

Janet - posted on 08/07/2011

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hi, I feel your pain hun its hard dealing with teenagers...whenever the time feels right have a chat with him about it.... he needs to get out rather than sit in playing these games....addiction is hard to beat!! as for jobs if he wont go and look for them maybe you could do it for him maybe he need a wee push.... so if you apply and he gets an interview im sure he will go for interview... good luck he needs to get off his ass just needs a wee bit off inspiration xx

Moe - posted on 08/07/2011

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sounds like he has anger issues, getting to the root of the problem may be a challenge but necessary.....if he doesn't figure out how to deal with his emotions, it will carry into his adult life....his future wife, children and anyone who comes in his way will have to deal with this....with him being the age that he is it may be difficult to get him to get help, but he really need to find someone he can talk to....

Tami - posted on 08/05/2011

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If there are violent outbursts to family at that age he needs professional help. Check out if your company has an EAP program and call them. Family counseling may be in order. There is no shame in getting assistance when it is needed. There may be a deeper seeded problem he is not talking about but my open up to a counselor in time.

Ghostdarlin - posted on 08/05/2011

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I've seen this problem with several teens and the solution is to nix the video games altogether. Those who respond in this manner are far too attached to what is happening on the screen rather than what is in reality. It stems also from his own lack of self-esteem because it may be the only part of his life he feels successful so when he loses, it frustrates him. Kicking him out is NOT the answer. Some may disagree with me but our kids even after the age of 18 are still our responsibility to a degree. Most likely this behavior was displayed much earlier but since it has gotten worse it is catching your attention more.

I would not even tell him they aren't going to be in the house. Take them and put them away-period. Take him to get an application somewhere, anywhere, and make him get a job and help buy whatever game he is wanting to buy. DO NOT buy them for him and do NOT replace whatever he breaks. Make HIM pay for it. Once he has to work to replace what he breaks and is made to take responsibility for his actions the problems will start to subside.

If it does not, counseling will be needed before he ends up grabbing you or someone else and hurting them in the process.

Carole - posted on 08/05/2011

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my ex daughter-in-law use to have a very similar problem with their oldest son when he was 18--now 20--so what they did was unplug the internet from his computer until he calmed down--when it got so that didn't work they got empty boxes and gave them to him and told him to pack his stuff and leave because he couldn't respect them and their home enough to care wbout how he was affecting their life. Don't let him come back home after a few days--as hard as it sometimes it takes toughh loveto get through to them. Fortunately some how it must have gotten through to our grandson that they meant business and it turned him around. He lives at home but helps around the house and even cooks dinner one night a week. He even pays them "rent". Hope this was elpful

Jdprettyman - posted on 08/04/2011

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He may need committed somewhere when he has one of his violent episodes. Are you calling the police when this happens?

Sally - posted on 08/04/2011

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Looks to me like he has alot of hold on you and gets away with a lot only because you allow it. As parents we have alot of responsibilities re the way we raise our children and respect is one of them. If he can't respect his parents (his first and foremost figure of authority) then he can't respect anyone else. Now as you are losing the fight you will have to gather enough strength to discipline him and say enough is enough. This is a build up of always getting his way all the time and NO is non-existant in his mind and has no idea of how to deal with not getting his way. These are life skills we as parents need to teach our children if we really love them. As life can be cruel, unfair and ugly at times and therefore we need to show them how to cope when that happens. This situation calls for "tough love" and he will thank you for it later on. Hence the reason our jails are full of children that are not taught anything about respect and taking responsibility for your actions. Trust me I have 5 of my own and they are very well behaved because I make it my business to teach them everything I know. All the best.

Jenny - posted on 08/03/2011

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i saw my neighbours go through a similar thing. this is one of the things they did for their dearly loved son. if he becomes violent simply call the police and say he is presenting a threat. they will come around and talk to him. he will accuse you of all sorts of things in response when they leave,. simply say that his behaviour is threatening you. if he mucks up again call the police again. if you need to, take out an apprehended violence order against him. he may well have issues with mental health which can be treated, but he and you wont address these until he really has to face up to the unacceptable nature of his behaviour. if he leaves and comes back, for your and his sake make sure that there are guidelines. if he becomes violent or aggressive call the police again. in terms of avos and or mental health issues it is important to have the behaviour recorded. goood luck

Jane - posted on 08/03/2011

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When he destroys property or threatens your safety, call the police. Document everything. You may need to declare him an adult disabled child through social security. He then would eventually be eligible for Medicaid and state mental health assistance as well as a small amount of money every month. In our town Catholic Social Services will administer the money so he can't get mad at you over not giving it to him in a lump sum, and he may be eligible for low-cost housing.

He does sound as if he may be bipolar as my son is, and so needs medication and behavior modification.

Marisela - posted on 08/03/2011

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Wow i;m sorry u have to go through that. I really don't know what to say except maybe u may need to ask for professional help. Like for some advice on what to do. Even if he can afford to live on his own, it won't help his violent tantrums. He obviously has some issues that need to be taken care of by maybe some sort of anger managment. I'm sorry, I will pray for u & your son.

Michelle - posted on 08/03/2011

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if hes out of school id say bye if not once highschool is over he is out unless he can control his anger bc he can my husband was that way hims mom kicked him out he came to live with me we got married a lil while later been married over 3 yrs almost 4 and hes been just fine. he didnt have any out burst at my dads bc he couldnt get his own place either. we got married right before he graduated. so he is 21 and im 20. he has become to comfortable in your house thinking his an adult and he gets to do wat he wants bc its his house too but id tell him to control it or get out.

Lora - posted on 08/03/2011

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I've know of a website that helps parents. I've looked at it a time or two and it's done by a license professional. The web-site is: www.empoweringparents.com They also have a newletter. Try out there website and hopefully this can help you.

Leslie - posted on 08/03/2011

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Reading some of these and having a 14 year son(who is twice my size), some people seem o have no real understanding of what it is like. Yes, I have called the police and kicked my son out so that he wouldn't trash my house or beat his 3 younger and smaller siblings but what do you do when nothing works?? I am a single mom and no one seems to help, CFS says call police, police say call CFS. Getting involved in Mental Health takes forever and ever where I call tells me that there is no Anger management courses because my son is to young. Admittedly, I haven't tryed to find one recently and he is now 14 but anyways I only respondd because someone criticized kicking him out. Love has nothing to do with it and unless you have been there you can't really understand not sometimes there is no choice because no one is (agencies) have the resources available to get involved "right now" and as a mother it really sucks making the hard choice to lock the door but when it a safety issue and police won't help, what else do you do ??? Love him more??

Leslie - posted on 08/03/2011

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Reading some of these and having a 14 year son(who is twice my size), some people seem o have no real understanding of what it is like. Yes, I have called the police and kicked my son out so that he wouldn't trash my house or beat his 3 younger and smaller siblings but what do you do when nothing works?? I am a single mom and no one seems to help, CFS says call police, police say call CFS. Getting involved in Mental Health takes forever and ever where I call tells me that there is no Anger management courses because my son is to young. Admittedly, I haven't tryed to find one recently and he is now 14 but anyways I only respondd because someone criticized kicking him out. Love has nothing to do with it and unless you have been there you can't really understand not sometimes there is no choice because no one is (agencies) have the resources available to get involved "right now" and as a mother it really sucks making the hard choice to lock the door but when it a safety issue and police won't help, what else do you do ??? Love him more??

Carolyn - posted on 08/03/2011

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Oh I am so happy to be able to respond to this one, I've gone through the same thing with my son. It's frustrating and exhausting, after almost 2 yrs of trying everything, only one solution worked....I had to phone the police, and file a report! Yes I had to charge my own son for his violent behavior, it was the only way to get proper therapy and opened up doors to available help for teens in trouble. This was 2 yrs ago, and after a few court appearances, and my son abiding to strict conditions, (don't forget to report if he breaks them) I am happy to say he's calmed down quite immensly and is now a fun guy to be around, his inner child has returned and he's doing great!

Junita - posted on 08/03/2011

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Showin your love !! This sounds like you've created a monster !! Sad to say ! Wheather he be newborn , toddler, teen now an adult ! He is your son ! Love him with all your might!! Problem:-throws outrageous fits-son- problem: kick him out-- mom --- isn't makin either of you better -- again love - concours all dissatisfaction-- praying for a better outcome-- you and your son need each others love ! Change !! Love ! Cope!! Love !! Sounds soooooo easy but it does take a lot of effort --love !! Maybe your tired of sorry's but it's a start --love !!

Sarah - posted on 08/03/2011

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What you can do is teach him anger management skills. Like when he is upset at his game, quietly and calmly remind him that it is a game and that he needs to count to 10, take 5 deep breaths and let it go. You are modeling over-reacting by throwing him out. He may need to be reassured that you love him unconditionally before he can deal with his anger issues. I would follow through with the suggestion that he needs to give up the video gaming until he gets his own place. I notice in my 9 and 11 year old boys an increase in aggression due to video games.

Jennifer - posted on 08/03/2011

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Have you had him checked for bi-polar? Loosing may be a trigger for his rage. He may feel that he isn't being productive in life, something is holding him back. A man his age shouldn't be acting out on video games. Until he is checked out, maybe lay off the games for a while.

Although my children are younger, I tell them that if the end result is a tantrum then no games.

I truly hope your family figures it out:)

Margo - posted on 08/03/2011

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I am 63, my 3 kids are approx 40, nothing has changed and nothing ever does. What happens is you change yourself. You cannot control another person. My experience has been that they will make their own decisions and you will make yours. If you really love your kids, never stop, if you really dont love them that much, in any case you can come up with, LET THEM GO. I called mine boomerang kids and my house had a revolving door. BUT I can move anytime I want and not even leave a forwarding address or I can sit here, like I do, and worry about it while they go about their lives having a blast. Does that make sense? Right now, I am ready to leave with no forwarding address. Be Blessed.

Paula - posted on 08/03/2011

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This age is very tough, they know they are facing adult hood but are scared that they will have to be on their own. They want to be a man, but yet act like a boy. I would suggest "Anger Management" classes. They are popular today. He may of had something happen to him he is not telling you about. Common problem, among males. I do Pastoral Counseling and what I have found (myself included) is this coming generation of kids got to much to quick. They are the microwave generation, they want it now and they want it good. They don't want to work for it, they just want. I have a 26 year old that has been going to anger management classes and he has discovered many things about himself that he does not like. Small change we have seen and we are praying for more. Also with the economy most will be home until their late 20's. Mine left and came back divorced. Now he is living in our in-law-quarters, depressed.

Purplestar_89 - posted on 08/03/2011

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always remember you are the parent take away the games if he can't work to find a place to stay he will work to buy another game which normally gives them a feeling of accomplishment and maybe he'll want to do more if that doesn't work you can always scare him right best of luck!

[deleted account]

You may not like my answer, I had same problem, we did everything, i have twin girls 18 now and they are great. my son has been difficult since he turned 16 and it was so bad i had a minor stroke from the stress, we would get him a job he would after only a week or 2 start with days off, to hang out with friends whom wont work.. I ended up making him leave, he had no where to go either, I gave him a list of places that help from centre link and salvos ect.. He stayed with different friends and slept in his car a couple of times. He gets extra from centre link to help and instead of using it for cheap accom, he stays in a penthouse for a night with a few mates and parties.. I told him i love him and always will, but i dont like and will not tolerate his behaviour.. It was extreamly hard for me, i cried for days, and he is still making terrible decissions, but they are his. I hope he will grow up and turn his life around but its been almost 2 yrs of me helping and 4 mths of him being out again. as i did this 2 times before. I took him back twice as he promised to change and follow house rules, but he never does it for long. I know its tough but if you let him stay you are inabling him to do what he does. He knows you wont do anything, so warn him you will kick him out if he doesnt start behaving and then just do it.. It will be harder on you than him, beleive me. I am still finding it tough and he seems fine.. Good Luck.. There are places he can go, you just have to be brave and at you follow through, no matter what you decide as consistancy is the key. If you treaten something and dont follow through , he thinks well they always say that and do nothing so... Feel free to contact me if you want to ask more. My email is mumashirl@hotmail.com

Misty - posted on 08/03/2011

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He needs to learn some self control and you letting him say sorry and do it again is not going to make him think he needs any other way to deal with his problems. maybe he needs anger management classes, maybe pills or something.

Tricia - posted on 08/03/2011

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Hi Gaynor,

It sounds like he has been dealing with other issues, ADHD, Aspergers etc. In the past I m sure you ,ve calmed him by giving in. If he is violent you must get the police involved or he'll be smashing you next. I think he needs to be evaluated and learn self control and respect. I feel something has happened along the way and he has not dealt with it. Stop the madness and just say no. As long as he is in your home, set limits, and rules. If he does have issues you may be able to get help but a lot of state programs end at 21 yrs of age. Its a late start but maybe you can find out what you are dealing with.

God bless,

Pat

Beccie - posted on 08/03/2011

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I also want to add that having a medical problem is no excuse as both my brothers. Jay 20 year old now and Josh 18 year old now, have issues. Jay is ADHD, and as a child was very violent and abusive to both people and objects and Josh had many problems with anger management and patience due to the way his older brother behaved and the situations it created but if both of them have learnt to repect other people and to control their responces then so can others ... medication helped Jay for a while but he hated being dependent on it to control the way he behaved and learnt how to do it himself ... i understand and respect that everyone is different but there is no excuse!!!

Beccie - posted on 08/03/2011

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He is too old to be allowed to throw tantrums cause things don't go his way ... when you throw him out he can find somewhere to live so why let him back on a few broken promises ... anger management may help but only if he wants the help ... as he is now 18, he is able to claim for a coucil property .. benefits and various help while he looks for work ... meaning no offence but stop being a doormat and make your son take his place in the real world instead of living on your apron strings ... I had to and it made me better for it .. in the long run your son will thank you for it no matter how much he throws a tantrum about it now. Be strong and remember there are people out there who will support you through this xx

Maria - posted on 08/03/2011

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I believe your son def needs therapy and maybe medication...or his actions is a result of no consequences in the past, when they are children we tend to let things go and not realize the outcome until they are older..i know i went threw it w/my daughter but i knew there was a problem and it took long for me to found out...she was diagnosed w/bi-polar and she is very smart so when i took her to doctors she fooled them and then the Dr would tell me there is nothing wrong w/her, just teenage hormones, that might of been true also but she did have a problem. I pray it works for you and seek medical help w/this. Good Luck!

Francesca - posted on 08/03/2011

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He might have got an addiction to these video games by the sounds of it,maybe if he stopped playing the games for a while and was occupied with something else he might improve?

Gene Ann - posted on 08/02/2011

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If this a recent reaction, has he been tested for steroid use? Even if he can't live on his own, at least he needs to pay for the items that he destroys. Put some conditions on taking him back, such as mandatory anger management counselling, restitution for damages, and drug testing. An adult should be able to control his emotions. As it is, he has no consequences for his destructive behavior. Do not be his enabler.

[deleted account]

Is he only hurting objects or people? You need to do everything in your power to have him stop. Tell him your requirements are such and such. anger management, respecting stuff etc. I don't necessarily think kicking him out is the answer, but if he is completely ruining your stuff... Have you tried asking him why he flips out so much? Maybe if you understood what was going on you and he could proactively find a solution

Kiley - posted on 08/02/2011

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Make him see a therapist &/or go to anger management as a condition of living with you. That way you can support him and help him grow or heal without enabling harmful behavior. Also, consider eliminating the triggers, if it's violent video games that are making him angry, get rid of them!

Mary Louise - posted on 08/02/2011

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When you kick him out keep him out. I know it is hard but he his a grown man. There are shelters for people who need a place to stay. As long as he can sucer you into taking him back he is not going to do for himself. It may sound harsh but sometime you need to use tough love.

[deleted account]

Where he lives is not the issue. He needs to learn how to manage his anger. Sounds like he would benefit from some counseling and a supportive environment to practice new anger management skills.

Maya - posted on 08/02/2011

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It sounds like he may be having addiction to the video games and anger management issues. Unconditional love with appropriate limits is needed. Counseling for him and the family seems urgent and should be a request from you in order for him to continue to live at home. Do you go to a church where you can find counseling?

Francia - posted on 08/02/2011

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Hello... We have different traditions and upbringings. Different cultures and beliefs...but one thing I can tell you, we are all human and have an attitude that needs to boost. And going beyond what people expect from us might be a lot helpful. I also have a son like that, but he is only 14 years old. Every time he do that, I always told him, "Hey, none of that..how many times I tell U, that IF U CAN'T ACCEPT LOSING IN EVERYTHING U DO, U BETTER STOP DOING IT OR DO IT HUNDREDS TIME IN A DAY FOR U TO START WINNING. I won't be responsible for your weakness and I won't have U smashing things in my house unless it's ur thing and ur money that bought it." Sometimes, it's really trying and I almost want to give up on him..but he is my son and I love him..and then I would change tactic..like telling him this.."son, there are only two kind of people in the world, the losers and the winners. Where do u want to go is up to U...U can play hard and soon become a winner also, or you can continue smashing things around that makes u a loser forever??" For years...my routines were all like that..him smashing things, me keep on talking to him, soothing him, in different tune. Later I realized, he was mellowing down...Losing becomes a challenge to him now. He only stop until he becomes on top...so I advise U not to give up on him...he maybe 18 years old now and needs to live alone...but he is ur son. Probably the reason why he is like that, because he still needs ur guidance. Please hang on to him..u are the only one as a mother who can make him right...

Lora - posted on 08/02/2011

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This is a tough one. Like the one lady said, does he have any kind of medical issues? Even if he does or doesn't you are going to have to take control. I know that it's hard especially with our children. How did he act when he was a child? How was he in his early teens? Did you see any of this coming? Does he do drugs? Has he had anger issues before now? I would go for some counsiling and take him to. But you need some support and some help. Keep talking to C.O.M's. This is a great place to talk and vent and it doesn't cost a thing. Good luck and God Bless

SarahBeth - posted on 08/02/2011

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You are slitting your own throat here, I hope not literally. Toss him out. When he comes back, say "NO!" If he cries he has no place to stay, direct him to the homeless shelter. Tell him you will allow him back after he has been in a documented anger management program at least 6 months.

Do this now, before the "things" he smashes include your face.

User - posted on 08/02/2011

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Dont take him back on the I am sorry! Explain if he does it again he is out for good and stick to it. Kids learn to manipulate. And get what they want. He will learn quickly on how to "survive" if you don't he never will.

I was not that bad, but I kept borrowing money, etc - needless to say when I had to pay for things myself - life changed. Some people need lessons the hard way.

Deborah - posted on 08/02/2011

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I think you have gotten a lot of good advice. You didn't say whether he has any medical issues like ADHD or Aspergers. My 12 year old has high functioning autism and he is extremely competitive. He has meltdowns when he loses games played against someone else, but it's not a problem with computer games. I think there are a number of issues that need to be addressed. First, you need to find out if he does have a physical problem that is causing this behavior. If he has always been this way, he may just have never learned appropriate self-control. If it's something fairly new, he may be showing signs of mental illness. Then you need to have a family meeting and let him know that if he is going to remain in your home, you will not allow disrespect or violence, no matter how angry he gets. If he can't handle losing a video game, and wants to stay in your home, he needs to get rid of the games--and you can tell him that. Simply say, "The game goes or you go." Your responsibility to support him ended when he turned 18. You do have the right to put him out, and you aren't doing yourself or anyone else in your household any favors by keeping someone around who is potentially dangerous. And I DO understand how hard it is to inact tough love. We had to send our 16 year old daughter to a home for troubled girls a little over a year ago when she started bringing home men and stealing from us and got involved in drugs, etc. I have two younger children and live in an apartment complex and she was becoming a danger to us and to our neighbors. The only other choice was juvie. One last thought. You could always tell him that he can join the military! If he doesn't have any place else to go, that will solve the problem and may well help him deal with the aggression. Best of luck!

Beth - posted on 08/02/2011

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Gaynor, I agree with the others who say that therapy is a must! I had a similar situation with our middle son & waited until he had actually seriously injured himself punching a wall (plus caused some serious damage to electrical in the wall), then walked into his room to put his clean clothes on his bed to see the healing cuts marring his body -- he was self-inflicting. At that point, I called the police & filed charges against him which led to them taking him to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation. Although he wasn't forced into the hospital, he realized he needed help after the staff there talked with him & he saw just how badly he was hurting his family (especially me who had raised him alone for 10 years). Although the road after the hospital stay wasn't smooth, it made a difference & he was able to stop the extreme external & personal violence. My prayers are with you at this time. The hardest thing is realizing that at his age, he will have to admit himself unless you can find it in yourself to call the police when he becomes violent. Stay strong!! Remember, your life is just as valuable as his!!

Kathy - posted on 08/02/2011

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Gaynor
First let me say I have raised 3 sons of my own plus many foster sons as well. While I am no means an expert I have walked in your shoes and can give you advice on what I did for our own situation like this one. My son didn't make enough to be out on his own either, however when I put him out of our home and he seen I was NOT about to budge on my decision he stopped to figure out what he was going to do. He was forced to fin for himself and he struggled for a month. When he seen I wasn't going to allow him back he decided to do some soul searching and decide what he was going to do to make it in this world. He stayed with friends and bounced around but when he realized I was fed up with his antics he came to us to talk and see what he could do to change his behavior. They always think the grass is greener on the other side but they forget it also has to be mowed too. I gave our son one more chance with the heads up "IF" it happened again he would be out of the home FOREVER! Once they see you don't give into them and will be consistent with tough love they stop to smell the coffee. It wasn't easy for me and I cried myself to sleep but it did a world of good for him to see we were NOT playing about him making improvements on his behavior. Good Luck honey as it is never easy showing tough love with our babies no matter how old they are.

Angela - posted on 08/02/2011

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I agree that therapy is the answer it's more than a video game. There is something deep seated that is causing it and it just comes through in the games. Pls get therapy before it's turns on you. Do individual and group with the two of you

Robin - posted on 08/02/2011

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Gaynor: I have read most of these posts and feel that you should be very cautious about listening to some of the advice. If your son had a head injury and it has altered his personality, you really need to do brain maping. It is a cross between a cat scan and an mri, it will show if there was any damage from the fall and how to correct this (if possible) You can also contact a place called East West Health Centers in Englewood, CO and see Dr. Donna Nikander. She speacializes in these types of behavioral issues and is amazing. Putting him in jail should be a last resort. When he acts this way it is a cry for help as he doesnt know how to handle his emotions. God gave us these special creatures to love, not just when they are good but when they are trying as well. He needs YOU to help him and in turn this will help you too. DONT give up on your son or yourself. It wont be easy but it will be worth it. Keep us informed as to how things are going!

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