need help with my kids dad

Jean Marie - posted on 12/07/2013 ( 37 moms have responded )

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My kids dad took me to court saying i wasnt giving him enough parenting time even though i was letting him have her when he wanted her or for his family affairs that i want her on his weekend for a family christmas hes not answering me what can i do

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Sandra Beate - posted on 12/10/2013

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I'm sorry that he is being like this to you, trust me i know exactly how you are feeling as i have gone through this thing too. The guy is not letting you have the weekend because he is able to control you using it. Take my advice as i learned the hard way DO NOT give him any more of your time, only give him the time that is ordered in your court order. If you give in and give him extra time all the time he is going to start excepting it and it is only going to create more problems for you. Start recording all your conversations and keep a record of every time he takes the child out of your care and every time he won't change things up. This will help you in the long run. I have been dealing with this for way too long it feels like and i would hate for someone else to get screwed the way i did.

Ev - posted on 12/13/2013

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I also have to agree to this quoted statement not being true entirely and maybe at all: "fact of the matter are there are many dads that try to get as much time as possible outside of the court order in order to get out of paying child support." Men and women do a lot of things to get out of paying support but I have never heard of visitation as being used to get out of it. Most times, women who have the kids think that they can actually keep the dad from seeing the kids because he did not pay it, is behind, or whatever other reason they have for the child support issues. I have even read that hear as well. Child support and visitation do not go hand in hand ever. Separate issues that have to be dealt with separately. But I will say this much: There are a lot of people, men and women, who try to get out of their duty to their children be it child support, parenting them, visitation, and custody.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/13/2013

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Sandra, your statement of " the court order are there to protect the parent from being taken advantage off in this manner, " Is not necessarily true, but an assumption on your part based on a very small amount of true knowledge.

The fact is, the court orders are there to dictate to the parents involved how to share their child without making the child the pawn. The court orders are in place to protect the child, not the parents. They are guidelines that the parents must follow in order to have a relationship with their child, and each parent is held accountable to them.

And your statement of "fact of the matter are there are many dads that try to get as much time as possible outside of the court order in order to get out of paying child support." is also not entirely true, as court ordered support is completely separate from court ordered custody/visitation. The amount of support ordered IS NOT related to, nor is it indicated by the amount of visitation or physical custody time the other parent has.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/11/2013

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Evelyn,

In some ways you are right and I noted that aspect in my post: Custodial parent is not obligated to allow extra parenting time outside the court-ordered.

However, there's mitigating factors (in your case, the third party interference of new wife) that are not present in Jean's. In the OP's case, the non-cust feels he doesn't have enough parenting time, there's no mention of abuse issues or third party interference, and access is not being facilitated, much less allowed. If non-cust goes back to court naming the factors as I did here, then that is enough to get a second-look and a modification by a judge.

As for whether he took advantage of her generosity, that's up to debate and something I can't opine in since its only the OP's word that the other parent did this. And seeing how the OP first said, "kids dad took me to court" and now changed it to "kids dad's mom," you can see my reluctance to take her word as biblical.

As an FYI- The law does in fact recognize grandparents. They CAN go to court and request visitation, and in most cases, it is granted. If **that** is the issue, then you really don't have a problem with kids dad, but with allowing separate visitation time with grandparents.

As I stated in my previous post:

"...she is not obligated to relinquish more time than alloted in the court order. However, in this case, the OP made it clear that the non-cust parent only gets visitation every other weekend and has let it be known he feels this is not enough parenting time for him. If he requests additional time with child and she flat out refuses for no other reason than to limit his time with child, trust me, when he goes back to court, not only will he get additional visitation time but he could also get custody modified."

Ev - posted on 12/10/2013

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I agree with all these ladies, Jean, but for the one that said to do as you want because that only gets you into trouble. If you have been so accomodating and letting him have all these extra weekends and he won't budge for things you want; why did you keep giving him those extra times on YOUR TIME? Visitation was set up like this for you guys to have said weekends/holidays to be with your daughter. It sounds like whining because he has his time and you have missed time giving up time to him to see your child. Quite that whining and stick to the court orders or go back and get them changed. Try being the mother of two kids for the last 11 years that has not had them live with her because she let father have them rather than make them pawns. I did that and you know what? Instead of whining about it, I sucked it up, I made due with the time I had and made the best of it. But our holiday visitation is thus, odd years he gets certain holidays and I get the others, then the even years I get the main ones he had in odd and he gets the others I had in odd years. This year I get my son for the first half of Christmas break for instance and he gets the last half. Next year for example, I get Memorial Day and Labor Day. His dad gets July 4. That is just a few. Be more proactive rather than passive. You get more done.

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LalaBoom - posted on 12/13/2013

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Yes, Sandra, it's always "confrontation" and "attacks" when anyone makes logical observations that don't agree with the counterparty or his/her convictions.

Thanks :)

Sandra Beate - posted on 12/13/2013

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Lalboom seems you are more interested in confrontation so i will not encourage you any more. Have a good day yourself.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/13/2013

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Sandra,

You obviously missed the point. A good second (or maybe even third) read could help. Take your time sweets...

But before I go:

1. Court orders are in place to protect THE CHILDREN, you know, the ones NOT meant to be used as pawns and power weapons between parents who want to see child-rearing as a competition

2. It makes you look pretty interesting from where I stand as you make your assumptions about what I have or haven't gone through.

3. Your rhetoric about "fact of the matter there are many dads that try to get as much time as possible outside of the court order in order to get out of paying child support" made me laugh really hard. Like really, really, hard. In that case, ever heard of the side that says "fact of the matter is there many mom that try to get as much time as possible in order to screw the dad with outrageous child support so the mom doesn't have to work." <---- See what happened there? I made a SORE ASS of myself by making assumptions about people's motives and intentions.

Like I said earlier, you missed the point. My posts are still there, undeleted, for your enlightenment. Good day :)

Sandra Beate - posted on 12/12/2013

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Jean - one thing that i found has helped ALOT is doing what i call a monthly schedule. At the end of every month i make a schedule of every second weekend, and if it works out a couple of extra days in-between and i date and have us both sign it, that way he can not come back and say that you refused him time. My ex tried and i brought all the schedules from since we split with me to court, and he did not have a leg to stand on and he ended up dropping the court stuff all together. This way you are protected. I hope that things get better, you said that you have custody, what kind do you have? You should look into what it says for where you live.

lalaboom - I follow the court order, yes, but my son sees his dad when he ask to see him, i have never or will never limit the time to the court order to be difficult or to refuse him time just because i do not like him. That was not my advise, it seems clear to me that you have not been in this position or you would not attack at something like this, the court order are there to protect the parent from being taken advantage off in this manner, fact of the matter are there are many dads that try to get as much time as possible outside of the court order in order to get out of paying child support.. There are many things that work for many different people, so instead of attacking people that are here to offer support and help that are in the same situation maybe you should do the same. this is a site for moms to come to get help and support without feeling like they are being attacked. The court looks at MANY different things.

Jean Marie - posted on 12/11/2013

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Yes i have custody an she has my last name an i know what they r doing cuz she tells me an i ask her dad an he says yes gis dad an mom are doin that

LalaBoom - posted on 12/11/2013

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Evelyn, pretty much all states recognize grandparents from a legal standpoint. The difference lies in the "process" required for each state to establish that legal relationship amidst a custody dispute. Actually, some states even acknowledge great-grandparents... That's just crazy, but I digress.

I agree with you, these two need to take it back to court, asap!


Jean,
If they tell her is not the last name, who cares?! All her legal documents are under your name, right? and you have custody, right? And how do you know that they are telling her this? As far as the bed, I'd say take it up to the court. He could argue this is a difference in child-rearing methods, but you can cite, and rightfully so, safety issues.

Jean Marie - posted on 12/11/2013

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is their anything i can do when he dont listen to me an his parents when they keep telling her her last name is theirs not mine an that the let her sleep on their beds instead of her own since she is almost five

Ev - posted on 12/11/2013

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LaLaBoom-I have to point out the thing of grandparent rights--not all states even consider their rights at all. In the state I am in I think that they do not even consider the grandparents rights like that. I know other states do. Each state has a different set of laws regarding custody, visitation, and child support. I know we have only one side but that is digging further into it. He could have been taking advantage of her doing so to a point. SHe allowed it to happen. And as I said in a more recent post, it seems like a lot of people do not take a lot of things into consideration with all this and let it go and then it gets bad. It makes a big mess. So, irregardless of what we do know or don't know; They just need to get back to court and get this worked out.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2013

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You and me both, Evelyn! (hoping they get things figured out)

Ev - posted on 12/11/2013

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Shawnn, that could be true too but we may not ever know. All I am saying is that if they want change in this they have to take the initiative to do so. It seems that all questions about visitation, custody, and child support on here are from those that did not get those things set up in the first place and now its so much time later and now things are getting bad. They did not think about that. I just hope that they get it figured out.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2013

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Evelyn, you are absolutely right! But, I know that you make every effort to be involved, no matter where your kids are physically.

I'm getting the impression that this dad maybe hasn't realized that parenting doesn't just happen on "your" weekends. ;-)

Ev - posted on 12/11/2013

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Shawnn,

That is true. I do not have that equal parenting time but then again if I tried to get back to court with it he would fight it tooth and nail so I have left it alone. But I found in my case alone that I made sure my parenting went beyond the weekend too. Besides keeping in touch and all, the kids knew they could come to me at anytime be it a phone call or however. This day and age it always seems more about the one parent or both parents rather than the best interest of child/children. No, every other weekend, certain times on holidays, and summers is not enough time. But it can be if you put yourself into it. But also, sometimes that 50/50 time frame with parents does not always work where its one week here/ there or half the week here/there because of where parents live and school districts etc and some people do not consider that either. Anyway, it does sound like it needs a new overhaul to please both.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2013

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Wait, I get it. What he's asking for is probably to get a schedule set, as she says it's not "exactly" set, but court orders mandate every other weekend.

Jean Marie, go back to court. Since you and your ex cannot agree on terms, and you already have court orders, the only way to sort this is to go back before a judge. Honestly 2 weekends (or every other weekend) isn't a whole hell of a lot of time, certainly not equal parenting time by any means, which he has every right to request.

Ev - posted on 12/11/2013

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And grandma needs to keep her nose out of it. She has no legal say in this. I do agree still with the ladies here though. And if he did not give trouble before that is fine. But I still think to a point he took advantage of you giving him your time. Legally, he has to take you to court to get more time on visitation. You have a court order now that tells you both what is what. I would keep a log of what is going on and present it if you do go back to court with dates, times, what was said and agreed on or not agreed on. I would also mark the dates on a calender that you have given him extra time with her. That will look good on your part for trying to give more time. That is all I can offer.

Jean Marie - posted on 12/11/2013

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i have never had.trouble with him uptill him an his mom taking me to court saying i wasnt.giving.him enough parenting time but instead of fri thru sun i let him have her thurs threw sun now he i wont let him cuz of the court order is for fri threw sun but now his mom is telling him what he should do

Ev - posted on 12/11/2013

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LalaBoom-I know from my own experience that we (ex and myself) had at one point worked out changing of holiday's and so on for the kids and even a bit for us too. When his current wife came in the picture she tried and did for a while tell him how to handle the visitation. Because of this, I told them we would go the court ordered schedule. But here lately, he has been talking more with me and working things out.

As for her sticking to the court order where he has only the weekends described there in, then she does not have to give him her weekends and that is what she has done. Its her choice of course, but if she decides to go back to the weekends he has assigned in the court order then legally he has to take it to court and ask for more time. It won't get her into trouble for sticking to a court ordered visitation roster. It was good of her to offer her weekends and all, but he did take advantage of such. What she was expecting was that he would give up some of that weekend around Christmas so she could take her child to see her family and he has refused as it is his time and I can not blame him there. But he could have also worked out something with her over it instead of making a big deal on it and he chose not too.

Jean, this is why they have visitation rosters made for this purpose. If you had stuck to it and left things alone then you would have had your time with your child. I agree with working out extra visitation times, but he clearly took advantage of it to a point. If you had trouble with him in working out other things, maybe that could have been a clue as to work out things here in this with him. I think the best advice is to tell him that you both are going to stick to the current visitation order and if he wants more then he needs to address the court. You should not give up your time just because he has some event coming up be family involved or not. The courts gave this time to you so you could have time with your child. In my case, when he had kids at Christmas Day and I had the last half of the break, my family would wait until I had them to do our family time for Christmas, granted it is not the actual day but does that matter?

LalaBoom - posted on 12/11/2013

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Sandra,

One of the major factors the courts take into consideration when deciding on custody and visitation arrangements is whether a parent facilitates and encourages a relationship between non-cust and child. What you are telling her to do is essentially counterintuitive and will work against her (and yourself since you are doing it).
You are right, she is not obligated to relinquish more time than alloted in the court order. However, in this case, the OP made it clear that the non-cust parent only gets visitation every other weekend and has let it be known he feels this is not enough parenting time for him. If he requests additional time with child and she flat out refuses for no other reason than to limit his time with child, trust me, when he goes back to court, not only will he get additional visitation time but he could also get custody modified.
For Christsakes this is a freakin child!!!! S/he does not "belong" to you as some kind of trade property you can control!!! WTF ever happened to "the best interests of the child"?!?!

Jodi - posted on 12/09/2013

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All I am going to say is that some Christmas's you have to just suck it up when you are in this situation. This year my son is with his dad from 20th right up until after New Year. And I am GIVING him that (his dad is getting married in that time too, and they are going away). But in the past, there have been Christmas's missed, and there have been Christmas's we haven't seen my husband's kids. And yes, the holidays have mucked up the regular visitation arrangements at times. We all just have to get over it and find a way to celebrate anyway.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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Shawnn-

When she mentioned the "Dec 21" date, I immediately realized there was even more not being said..... I literally threw my hands in the air and gave up.... lol

In all honesty it sounds to me like Jean simply doesn't want dad to have babygirl "so much time" and back-to-back.

Jean, listen to Shawwn... especially the last paragraph.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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Wait. First you say that he's not responding, then you say that his set time is 25-29 December, and that you want her on 21 December. Doesn't fall into the 25-29 December timeline, so makes no sense.

Here's the deal though. You can be as "accommodating" as you choose to be. If you're giving up your weekends to him so that he can have her for his "family affairs", that's entirely your choice, since it's not court ordered. He's got the same option to make a choice. If he's scheduled to have her on 21-22 Dec, bring her back to you for 23, 24 Dec, and have her back on 25 December per court ordered schedule, he doesn't have to "let" you have her. Its court ordered, after all.

You're being an adult. We get that. Nowhere is it written in any divorce that you have to be adults. He's ready to let you give up weekends and still keep all of his regularly scheduled ones as well. YOur solutions are to either go back to court, get the schedule revised and move on, or stop letting him have her when its not his scheduled time.

But whatever you do, please do not listen to folks who say "do whatever you want", because that's the fastest way for the other party to get full custody and you limited visits...violation of court orders.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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Then yeah, you're screwed... sowee...

You can always try to switch the holidays or just offer extra time as a replacement for what he's giving up, but ultimately, unless you go back to court to switch the way the holidays works out, there's nothing you can do.

Jean Marie - posted on 12/09/2013

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I just wanted her on the 21st for my family christmas cuz hes goin to uave her two weekends in a row again cuz of the alternating holiday thing

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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Then you answered your question hun....

"he has her on the 25th till the 29th like every year... i ask just once to have her on his weekend"

There's your answer to why he isn't "cooperating": You're asking him to miss a major holiday (Christmas) and visitation time.

As to what you can do, that only depends on whether there's a written court order and what is written in this court order. Your graciously giving up your weekend to accommodate a bday party and baptism are irrelevant albeit very nice of you.

If court order says he gets them Christmas and you get her New Year's, then maybe you can suggest a switch with him. Maybe its time to change the visitation order where you and he alternate holidays.

Jean Marie - posted on 12/09/2013

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lala he has her on the 25th till the 29th like every year i gave up my weekends with her so he could have her for his familys bdays an a baptism an i ask just once to have her on his weekend for a family christmas an he wont budge cuz of his mom

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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Sounds to me like you want him to have the visitation arrangement to match whenever its convenient to you. It also seems like he wants to have this spelled out because your convenience isn't his convenience (surprise, surprise), and- as you stated- because he feels he isn't getting enough time to be a parent to babygirl.

You mentioned he gets her "whenever he wants," and then you say, "he gets them every other weekend and for his family's affairs." You also say you want her on his weekend for a "family christmas," does this means babygirl will miss Christmas with dad entirely? Is this his first Christmas with her, or if he has a new family, is this the first Christmas with his new family? That could be a reason why he's not answering and now willing to give up his time.

If this hasn't gone through the courts yet and you want to keep this out of court, I suggest you be flexible and generous with a new visitation arrangement. You don't have to, but clearly he has other means to get his petition. If you had your babygirl last Christmas or every other holiday, why not just let this go?

Whitney - posted on 12/09/2013

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jean don't worry with what he says or does just do what you always do,he just want attention and has nothing else to do with his life.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2013

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Well, then, you need to think about spelling it out in your court orders, because right now it sounds like it isn't set in stone. If he won't be co-operative with what works for you, then you need to get new court orders that will spell it out. But as it stands, it doesn't sound like you have anything to enforce. I'm not saying that what he is doing is right, I am just saying that what he is doing isn't against any court order, so legally, he can do it.

Jean Marie - posted on 12/07/2013

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We dont have set weekends since of holidays he gets her two weekends in a row than it messes up my schedule an he dont want to switch back cuz i have the weekends off that i am suppose tobhave her an since he got her two.weekends in a row i work when i have her instead of haveing them off

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2013

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But that's your choice. I'm just saying you don't have to if it isn't in the court orders. Neither does he. No matter how often you say "but I let him when he has family weekends" the fact is, he doesn't have to let you if he chooses not to be co-operative and there is nothing you can do about it. If you choose to go ahead and keep your child on his weekend, he could file contempt. I know it isn't the answer you want, but it is the way it works legally.

Jean Marie - posted on 12/07/2013

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Its not set weekends its just everyother one an i let him have her for his family affairs but this one time i ask him to have her he doesnt get back to me

Jean Marie - posted on 12/07/2013

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yea but i let him have her on my weekends for his family affairs like his family bdays an all an i have full custody of her

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2013

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If the court orders say it is his weekend, then it is his weekend and there isn't anything you can do about it if he doesn't want to co-operate.

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