Need help with step son!

Vicky - posted on 11/24/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I need help with my step son! Me and his dad have been together since he was 14 months old! We're now married and have a year ok little boy and I'm pregnant with our daughter due in march next year. Anyway as mentioned I have a step son who is 5 going on 15 at times. We have ha a great relationship in the past until recently!!! About 1 year and a half ago my ss told his mom a lie about me and it broke my heart! Considering from when I moved in with my husband I always done everything for him! From getting up when he woke up! Cook him his breakfast, lunch and dinner. Comforting him when he was ill etc and picking him up from nursery before even feeding my own son first who I left to cry because he was hungry just so I can be on time to pick up my ss. Ever since this lie I haven't really been the same around him! Anyway he was 3 when this all happened! I have never had an apology of his mom or him for that matter but let it go and carried on although I decided to put my child first who needed me more than the my ss.



Due to what happened his mom said he was only allowed to see us on a Saturday 9-5. We had to move 90 miles away due to my husbands work march this year and from then we had gone back to having him every other weekend! Well 6 weeks ago he went back and said I have called him an idiot again (what I meant to have called him last time it all kicked off!) it has taken my husband to tell me now what he has said after a big argumpent we had last week when he had him. We argued because a) my husband got out of bed dressed my son while I was in the shower then we left to go pick up my ss without my son or me having any breakfast! I was not a happy bunny that my husband put my ss first and my son and me had to wait till gone 1 o'clock for any food. My husband then broke a toy later on the night which caused another massive row! And I walked off until the kids were in bed so me and him could sort things out! Which was when it came out about me calling him an idiot again! Anyway we made up and everything was fine on the Sunday! We even explained to my ss that I was cross with his dad not him. His dad was in the wrong but we had sorted things out!



I had gone through my husbands phone today to find a message from his mom saying that he no longer wants to see me as I haven't apologised for calling him an idiot and that I was angry with him last week that I threw a toy at him! She has said she is not forcing him to come and see us if he don't want it's his choice! As a parent I think that's wrong for starters because if he plays up and refuses to go to school he can throw it I her face that he doesn't make him see his dad if he don't want to!



I don't know what to do as I haven't told my husband what I have seen. He has also said to his mom that were always arguing infront of him! Which once again is not true as we haven't had an argument since we have got married on December 2011. He know I'm pregnant and I have explained that the baby sometimes makes me happy, then makes me angry and can make me cry for no reason at any time of the day.



My husband never responded to this message so i don't really know what's going on through his head! And now I'm worried he is going to blame me for all this mess! I'm upset that he keeps going back to his mom over things with stuff he doesn't really know about. I have always treated him older than what he is because he is a very smart little boy! My parents say the words stupid and idiot but he doesn't go and tell her about them saying it! It's me although I don't say it!





Can anyone help as I don't know what else to do but have decided that of he does only want to see his dad he won't be allowed to see his brother as I am not leaving my son for a weekend while his dad has him! And it's not like I an disappear for a weekend as mentioned we live 90 miles away and we don't know anyone down where I live!



Thank you in advance for any advice!!!

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Vicky - posted on 11/24/2012

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No court order, I have told him to get one! I can only offer advice to him!



Rather than constantly get upset over things I try not to get involved, I have got my son as future daughter to think of and me being upset is not what they should see!



Thank you! I should move, like you said he was 3 then and probably knew no better! But that doesn't explain why he has done it again when he knows lying is wrong!



Think I'm just going to put it behind me and if he wants to talk to me about his problems / issues with me then I will just listen!!

Dove - posted on 11/24/2012

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1349

If you won't forgive a 3 year old (since he was 3) for something after a year and a half regardless of whether or not you received an apology... yeah, you kind of are blaming him. You may not see it, but that's what I see from reading your words. Perhaps you aren't projecting them in a way that I can understand the situation, but all I can go on is what I see.



If your husband has a court order for visitation... she can't withhold visitation. If he hasn't got a court order... he should get one.

Vicky - posted on 11/24/2012

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I haven't really got over what he done. In my eyes not having an apology I have got nothing to forgive! As for the arguement that is the first one we have had since getting married infront of him!



I'm not blaming him. I understand he will go back and tell his mom what he has done the weekend.



I have got problems with my husband regarding the children and we are working on them! He knows how I feel about things, my concerns etc



She isn't forbidding visitation, he is saying doesnt want to come and she is saying ok! He has admitted he can literally do what he wants with her and with us he has rules and I don't agree that he should be treated differently to how I treat my son.

Dove - posted on 11/24/2012

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You stated (basically) in your first paragraph that you haven't forgiven your stepson for telling a lie when he was 3.... You also say you haven't fought with your husband since you got married.... but mention a big argument you had last week....



He is FIVE... and his life sounds like an upside down mess... and you sound like you are blaming him for telling his mom HIS side of things. Perhaps getting to the root of why your stepson is saying these things would be a better approach. His little life is all mixed up... he has a little brother and is about to have a baby sister.. he has obviously heard you and his dad arguing cuz you even admitted to having an argument when he was in your house.... etc...



It honestly sounds like you have a lot more problems with your husband than what you are willing to admit to and THAT is the place to start.



No, it's not right of his mom to forbid visitations, but if my 5 year old was telling me the things her 5 year old is telling her... I'd probably want to be reacting the same way. She's just trying to protect her kid. Whether or not she legitimately has anything to protect him from is another story entirely, but SHE isn't in your house... her son is, so what else is she to go on?

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