Need opinions on a difficult situation!

Kaili - posted on 12/09/2008 ( 25 moms have responded )

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Hi, my husband and I have been seperated for more than a year now. He met a woman much older than him and that week he left with no warning. We did have our problems but I wasn't thinking he was leaving. To complicate things more we do have a 3 year old. Since then he has had another girlfriend. I questioned him about the divorce and he is now not sure he wants one, and may want to try again with our marriage. I don't know what to do. In a way I would love to work it out, but on the other hand how do you trust someone like that again? Any advice please.

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Corne - posted on 12/11/2008

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The fact that he "is not sure if he wants a divorce" sounds to me as if he likes to have his cake and eat it! My husband cheated on me in our first year of marraige and I was set on leaving him when I found out - but he BEGGED me on his knees not to leave him, that it was a mistake (it was only 1 time) and that he would do anything to keep me. So I got nasty (because I was really hurt) and for a few months I made up stupid things that he had to do to keep me happy, and he did them all without complaint. He also went to counselling with me - the best thing we ever did! It really brought us back to basics and made us tackle the issues in our marraige. I also insisted on a AIDS test (I live in South Africa) which he did (negative). I am happy to say that we have now been happily married for 7 years with two beautiful children, and he has never looked at another woman since (eventhough I got fat after my pregnancies!). If you can get the same reaction and dedication, go for it - if not, don't do that to your child. My parents have been unhappily married for 30+ years and there were more awful times than happy ones. I vowed never to let that happen to my children and don't let it happen to yours! Good luck, I know this is difficult - it was for me.

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Kristena - posted on 08/09/2011

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A marriage coach changed our life. Not concealing. He tought us skills on how to recapture what we had lost and how to communicate and receive the love we need. www.townsendrelationshipcenter.com Well worth it.

Amy - posted on 12/13/2008

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I just went through the same thing, except i actually took him back...all the while he had two other girls on the side...i finally found out and had a reason to boot him.... my regrets? I didn't file for divorce and get child support the morning I got the message he was leaving! since then he has been a thorn in my side every day of my life!

[deleted account]

Definately counselling if you want to try. But if he won't go then that's the deal breaker. If he can't put in the effort what's to say he will put in the effort to regain your trust and work on your relationship. Like rachel said below, don't give him the power. It's up to you. Atleast counselling might give you an insight to where he is at and help you decide if you want to give it a go. Either way will be hard, but an informed decision is the best decision.

[deleted account]

Remember the days way back when.....when you were dating? When he had to earn your trust and love, slowly, one day at at time, treating you right along the way? Go back there. Date him if you want. Make him EARN you wanting to even see him. If it's going well, keep dating and make sure he continues to keep you and your son top priority. If he's not 'all in'...you will be able to tell after a while...and your heart and gut will guide you to the best answer for you.

User - posted on 12/10/2008

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honey take it from an old pro..don't go back...you need to look ahead for you and your son...he did it once he will do it again..a tiger doesn't change his stripes..be careful.

you and your son first..don't let your husband play that game its dangerous...I would rather be alone like I am now then live with a cheater..live life to the fullest,enjoy

Maurisa - posted on 12/10/2008

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i was in the same situation, once a spouse cheats, it is almost impossible to ever trust him again! also, not a good example to your child to allow a cheater to return home unless he is truly remorseful!!!!! so sorry b/c i went through the exact same thing.

[deleted account]

My father left my mother when I was almost 2 years old for a 16 year old girl (who he married and 3 more kids with)! Being single was hard for my mom, and for a while we were on welfare, she eventually met my step dad and went on to have 2 more kids and a much healthier life. Do I have "Daddy Issues"? Probably, but I married a wonderful guy who is an amazing Dad. I in no way wish my Mom stayed with a guy that treated her (or me as a child) like that. That man is treating you like a doormat, and it's not fair to you or your son. Would he be so forgiving if you were the one who left and had several boyfriends?

RonnyKathy - posted on 12/10/2008

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My husband and I both come from broken homes, and we suffered so much. PLEASE consider getting back with your husband. I'm happy to help if you want to reply to me personally.

Being from a broken marriage made me feel like I shouldn't exist, that I was worth nothing. Take it from a mom of teenage/older boys -- you don't want to try that task by yourself without a husband. Second marriages often have so much baggage that the kids a well as the parents have to carry. Not fun.

Hang in there!! :O)

Heather - posted on 12/10/2008

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When I was growing up in High School and approached my dating years my Dad had a house rule: If you go out with someone and you break up you are to never date that person again. Of course I asked him why he had this rule. His answer was, "because you broke up for a reason, whatever that reason was you may forget and forgive but there was a reason and most likely an argument or fight during the break up and you never want to put yourself in that vulnerable position again, ever." I used to think that was the dumbest rule ever but he stuck to it and I always remember those words and I am so glad that I did. I realize that with a child it is going to be harder to hold to that but you have to stay strong and once the trust is gone it is almost impossible to get it back and most times not even worth getting it back. Your son is young enough to realize that mommy and daddy are not together but you can still get along with your "ex" and let your son know that you like his father you are just not in love with him anymore. You will find someone who will not "stray" and who will love you for who you are and not even think twice about leaving you or your son. Once that person finds you or you find him you will know, it is amazing how good and confident you will feel!!!!

Emma - posted on 12/10/2008

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If there is no trust there is no relationship!

If you think you woulod be able to trust him again then go for it.

But what I suggest is think about your son. What happens if you get back together and then you seperate again, your son will be confused. But if you stay split your son will know where he stands, that you ain't to gether but that you both love him dearly. Hope this helps and good luck.

User - posted on 12/10/2008

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You gotta go wit your gut feeling. People will tell you not to go there cause of wat he's done. however if you don't wanna let him go then don't. If you do rekindle you need to lay down some ground rules and also don't let himmove back in. Date and see each other for a while and see how it feels. If you want to make a go of it just for your kids - don't they are amazing little beings and will bounce back as long as you love them. Think of yourself and then incorporate your kids in to it...................thats my opinion anyhow. I'm seperated with 2 children although for me I chose to seperate after rekindling the relationship 7 years previously following him leaving me for some1 else. It was right at the time! Best of luck. x

Gina - posted on 12/10/2008

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What is your gut feeling? Whatever it is, i say go with it. The times i havent followed mine are the times i have made mistakes.

I am seperated recently with a 4 and 2 year old, however now that i am, i am 100% sure i have made the right decision for my children and myself. Life is too short for bad company!!

Desiré - posted on 12/10/2008

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Hi Kaili, it is as everyone say, a very difficult decision and something that you have to decide yourself and feel happy with what you decide. It doesn't help to take him back for your boy's sake. I went through the same thing about 2 years ago. A went trough filling for divorce, and 1 week before devorce would have been final, he called me and wanted to talk, had long talks, and promises was made that was not kept. We are still together but it is not the same. It will never be a 100% again. Sometimes I feel it was mistake, and sometimes I feel it was forth it. I still have mixed feelings. What ever you do, do it for YOURSELF. I also have 2 boys. Take yourself and your son for therapy.

I will pray for you. All the best. Let us no how it goes.

Kelly - posted on 12/09/2008

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I would be the first one to say walk away if you asked me this question a month ago. I was shocked just two weeks ago to find out that my husband was having "relations" with others. I understand your struggle. Take as much time as you need to make this difficult decision.

Valerie - posted on 12/09/2008

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Im in agreement with the majority, only you know what your heart can tolerate. I would however suggest that you file for a legal separation for a few months, even if the two of you do intend on getting back together. The time apart will give you both time to figure out what you both really want, and it will allow you to know what he really wants.

April - posted on 12/09/2008

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I agree that you should make up your own mind about what you want before you give him the opportunity to make it up for you.



If it helps to have a different perspective, I'll tell you that I was the child of a very similar set of parents. My Dad took off with another woman, and then tried to come back and work things out "for the kids." My brother was 3 and I was 8. Kids are smarter than most of us adults give them credit for, and I remember very distictly how unhappy our family was back then. Nothing felt right. When my mother finally told him she couldn't take the cheating and lying anymore, he split. It was hard not having him around much, but we (both me and my bro) feel that we wound up being a lot happier growing up with a happy mom than with two parents who were making each other miserable.



Best of luck! I do hope that you and your family find happieness.

User - posted on 12/09/2008

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I also suggest counseling. You need to be happy for your son to be happy. If you and your husband try to work things out and it only in-turn brings more tension, stress or unhappiness, your son will sense it.

Kelly - posted on 12/09/2008

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If you have no trust in this man, there really is no point in trying, you will be forever wondering what he's up to when you are not around. Ask your self is that how you want to live? Good luck

Leigh - posted on 12/09/2008

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sweet pea, get a lawyer and file for Separation as soon as possible. if you two develop a relationship again later, so be it, but make sure you and that little one are taken care of first and foremost. plus, consider what he might be bringing back with him, if there is no trust, why try. i have been there, i have seen what this can do to families that avoid the divorce/separation paperwork, you deserve so much better and so does that little guy.

Kimberlee - posted on 12/09/2008

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I also suggest counseling. It will help you get a clear understanding of what YOU think is best for you and your son.

Sarah - posted on 12/09/2008

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Its very hard to go back to the way things were. I split from my partner and got back together on his terms 'for the sake of our daughter' we split a year later while I was pregnant with our 2nd. It was very difficult to begin with but as time went on I knew it was for the best. Almost three years on my kids are doing great and I know I did the right thing. Every situation is different and it is extremely difficult when kids are involved, but generally they will feel happy and secure if you are as well be it with their father or not!

Rachael - posted on 12/09/2008

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Only you know what is right for yourself and your son. I would say if you are willing to try again make sure he is definately on the same page and willing to put 100% into the relationship. Suggest counseling. For your sake and your son's it is not fair to go through that again if he can't make up his mind. Personally for me I couldn't do it...not to say that you shouldn't. Is he still in a relationship with the girlfriend? I definately wouldn't give him the power...meaning that he decided to leave, didn't know what he wanted and now is not "sure" if he wants a divorce. What about you??? You never had a say in it and now you are waiting for him to make his mind up...I personally think that you are worth more you shouldn't have to try to make someone want to be with you or love and respect you. If you are willing to try again sit him down and have a serious conversation about expectations and see if he is ready to do the work it is going to take. I really feel for you and hope you get some good advice! Take care

Jennifer - posted on 12/09/2008

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I would suggest counselling. For you. Once you know how you feel about the whole situation you will be better able to make a decision. Divorce is very hard but, living with someone you can't trust is even harder.

MaryAnn - posted on 12/09/2008

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Pray! What a hard situation! Only you and our creator can answer that one. My heart goes out to you and your son.

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