Need some advice

Jossie - posted on 03/30/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )




I have an almost three year old and his dad has seen him once when he was barely a month old, he stayed about ten minutes then left, after that I didn't hear from him for a month or so, I contacted him to see if he wanted to see my son again and he made up some excuse of why he couldn't, then he stopped talking to me for about 7 months when I again got ahold of him to see if he wanted to see my child and again he said he couldn't cuz his girlfriend ran over her best friends cat and that one their dogs had died as well and he needed to be with her, so then he stopped talking to me after a month of back and forth talking over Facebook he threaten to take me to court and called me a piece of Sh!t and now it's been about two almost three years and he just contacted me about a month ago and ask to see my son, I haven't replied back to him and he hasn't messaged me anything else. Now he isn't on the birth certificate and my child has my last name, I was never married to him and have not received child support of any kind from him ever. I'm just not sure how to go about this, my son deserves to have his father in his life, I just don't want my ex to take off with my child if I let him visit my son. I say this because my ex has made countless threats to me about taking my son away from me. I just would like some advice on if and what I should say to him and what are some things I need to do or things I should be prepared to do, or be prepared for.


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Dove - posted on 03/30/2016




Talk to a lawyer right away. You need to get court orders, so you both know what rights and responsibilities you have.

Raye - posted on 03/30/2016




First, find out the laws where you live. Single mothers may be automatically awarded sole custody in your state, and in that instance you would have more leverage in court. But, since you haven't already done so, it should go to court. Generally speaking, having court orders in place to assure legal custody and provide visitation terms for the father is the best legal recourse you can have. It takes the emotions out of it and doesn't allow one parent to manipulate the other by using the child as a bargaining chip. Your child is a person, not a possession that either of you can "own". Court orders detailing custody/visitation would allow either parent to press charges against the other for breaking the terms of the orders and withholding the child. Otherwise, AT ANY TIME, the father can take the child and not give it back without a court battle. He can take a DNA test and be proven the father, so not having his name on the birth certificate doesn't mean anything. Without court orders, just because you've raised the boy doesn't mean you can dictate the terms of his relationship with his father or keep the father away. Only a judge can limit a parent's rights.

It would have been better to have court orders in the very beginning. But now is not too late. Write down the times that you've offered the father access to the child, and the times that the father refused. This will be helpful in court to show that you weren't trying to withhold the child from the father. In most cases, except when proven that the father is a danger to the child, the father will be awarded some kind of visitation. So, be prepared for that. Make the orders specific about the days/times he's allowed to see the child, and then stick to it. Then it's no longer a power struggle between two people's personal agendas, it's you both abiding by the court orders.

As far as child support, you've done yourself and your child a disservice if you haven't filed for it. The child has a right to the best upbringing that they can have. The bio-father contributing financially generally helps the child have better living conditions and/or more advantages; and if not needed for daily expenses could be socked away for college, car, first house, etc. or some unknown hardship that may arise in the future. Whether or not child support has been paid generally would not impact the fathers rights for visitation. Don't short-change the child by giving up on child support because of your own pride or whatever other justification you've convinced yourself of. As I mentioned, the child deserves all the advantages they can get.

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