Need Some Advice

Rachel - posted on 07/26/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Ill try and keep this as short as possible. I have a 5 yr old and I had left this father before I gave birth. He later committed suicide a few years ago. Fast forward I had met a guy and now we are not together anymore. He has asked to stay in my sons life. I have a few concerns... 1) will this confuse him due to he will realize this person really isn't his real father eventually (I need to add here that I have repeatedly explained to my son this is our friend, however, I think he is completely confused regardless even though he called him by his first name ) and that his real father took his own life... 2) I know he wants to maintain a relationship but actions speak louder than words, when we were together (for about 3 1/2 years) he has never helped with doctors visits, clothing, and when I brought up school its very important to me that he goes to a private school with great education and since it was so costly I had asked him to help out and he told me I should put him in public school to avoid cost (him and I both were privileged enough to go to private schools), when I had received the news of his fathers passing my now ex did nothing and was not supportive what so ever, he has been very degrading to me as a woman as well. These actions show me that he;s being more selfish about his own needs and emotions than my sons.... my son does say he misses him and I like him to always express his thoughts/feelings... one of the reasons why we broke up is because he was all talk and no action and likes to get wasted by himself and would ignore us completely...my thought is if he's not good enough for me he's not good enough for my son.....and not only that would he be a good role model teaching my son on how to treat women and to be a father someday to his own family. Am I doing the right thing by just cutting all contact... Im only 31 and would eventually love to find a good Christian man for both me and my son that would be in our lives forever...

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Ev - posted on 07/26/2016

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I quoted this portion of your post so I can better answer this; you said this guy and you are no longer together after 3 and a half years and he wants to do this:

{He has asked to stay in my sons life. I have a few concerns... 1) will this confuse him due to he will realize this person really isn't his real father eventually and that his real father took his own life... }
-----What concerns me here is the question of your son knowing who his father is or not? You ask if this will confuse the child. Did he think this man that you broke off with was his bio father? If so, you should have been telling him from the get go who dad really was and this man was something of a father figure to him not his dad. That is what will confuse him. So you need to tell him straight this guy that just left was just a BF and father figure not his bio dad. Telling him his bio dad took his life at this point is not necessary though he will need to know he will not ever see his bio dad because he passed away.

{2) I know he wants to maintain a relationship but actions speak louder than words, when we were together (for about 3 1/2 years) he has never helped with doctors visits, clothing, and when I brought up school its very important to me that he goes to a private school with great education and since it was so costly I had asked him to help out and he told me I should put him in public school to avoid cost (him and I both were privileged enough to go to private schools),}
-----First off, he was your boyfriend. Boyfriends are not supposed to provide clothing, shelter, food, go to doctor visits etc. That was the job of you and dad to do. It is nice if a Boyfriend does those things. He could have been more supportive on things though. As for helping to pay for private school that was not his role either. Kids can get just as good an education at some public schools just as kids at private ones. But again, the things you thought your BF should have done for your son were your role solely unless he just wanted to do it.

{{ when I had received the news of his fathers passing my now ex did nothing and was not supportive what so ever, he has been very degrading to me as a woman as well. These actions show me that he;s being more selfish about his own needs and emotions than my sons.... }}
-----Apparently, this man was not interested in becoming a father figure totally someday to your son if he did not offer to help you out with things though it was not his place or obligation to provide things for your son. His emotional support was zero from the sounds of it.

You do not have to allow contact with this man. From your description he did not sound like he took the total package of you and your son seriously. He has no legal rights to ask or even be considered to be part of your child's life if you so desire this. I would be very careful about who I allowed around my child after this.

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Amaze - posted on 07/27/2016

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First off, you should let your son know that this man is not his biological father. Since you were never married to him, it was not his job to provide things for your son. As I keep reading your post, I think it’s best to take the help of a therapist who should be able to guide you in the right direction. I’ll be praying that the Lord will show you His best plans for you and your son’s life. Hugs!

Dove - posted on 07/26/2016

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It does not sound like this is a man that should continue a relationship w/ your son. But... your son absolutely needs to know that this man is not his biological father. He should have been raised w/ that truth (no, you don't need to tell a young child that bio dad killed himself... just that he died. The full truth can come much later).

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