Need some advice about leaving

Carley - posted on 04/20/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am from Madison Heights, MI. Im 22 (gonna be 23 in august) with twin girls right now age 8 months. I have been with my bf for almost 2 years. He is generally a good bf but right now we live with his family and he doesnt have a job and neither do i but i am going to school and being a stay at home mom. I love my bf but i have been noticing things im not to happy with :(. I have noticed he lies to me a lot especially about places hes going or things hes doing. he hangs out with almost all females and tends to avoid telling me about it but i know from his fb. He also always keeps his phone attached to them and never answers texts in front of me and erases them if im in the view to see. and never allows me to touch his phone. He loves me i know it and does everything he can for me and when he does get money he pays the bills and tries to get things for me and our daughters. but i dont like the fact that i think he is cheating or at least texting other women and flirting knowing it upsets me. ive tried to blow it off because i know their are worse situations then this. I feel like i need to get some ideas of what i would need to do to leave him. I have no money, i dont really have family to go to if i were to leave, and i am taking care of my girls and going to school online part time and have no license. I feel stuck and as a mom now i cant be stuck like this. PLease help if u have any ideas of how i could get some help or what i could do so that i do not have to depend on him and stay in a situation that i dont deserve to be treated like this.

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Trisha - posted on 04/20/2015

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IF you do choose to have that conversation, what has always worked best for me is to wait until all tensions are eased, and my husband is in a very loving mood. At that point I straight out "I have some things that have been upsetting me, and I am not mentioning them to upset you...but *this behavior* really upsets me.
One time I had to tell my husband that I had more bad memories of our relationship than good.
He was devastated to hear it, but wanted to change so started making more effort.

Carley - posted on 04/20/2015

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i honestly agree with you bout standing by and letting it happen, i guess in a way i am doing tha, i try to drop hints that i already know and he can sense when im upset and asks if im ok and assumes its his fault. the only thing stopping me from opening up is not having anywhere to take my kids and unfortunately the shelters in several areas around me never have a bed open. they are all known for always being full. Im a bit scared to to bring all this up to him, part of me thinks he will break down and apologize and try to work on it, another part of me thinks if he knows im not a big fan of cheating and flirting with in a relationship already (because i have made it clear when we first met i dont approve at all of it) and he still chooses to do it then it doesnt matter. i dont even know how to start the conversation....

Trisha - posted on 04/20/2015

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Government aid is probably a good start. Sign up to get into one of the shelters while you do this.
I personally am big on communication. I think that you are failing everyone by not communicating your feelings. By not letting him know you are upset about these things you are letting him fail. yes, it could cause a big fight. Yes, I suppose his parents could kick you out because he is cheating...
You do seem to be in a bit of a mess without a place to go if you end up leaving.
I have a bit of an opinion regarding victimization. If a person stands by, and lets all the things that he/she doesn't like happen to them without standing up for themselves and saying "I don't like this, and I won't put up with it anymore...these steps need to be taken..." then they are just as responsible for the treatment they receive.
I know a LOT of people won't agree with this and I will get a lot of hate for that comment...but I say it coming from experience.
By not setting up boundaries and expectations you are letting him get away with all this behavior.

Carley - posted on 04/20/2015

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when it comes to tryingv to find a job he likes to take the lazy way of things. he is picky about what he wants to do and most of the jobs he apply's for when he does is driving jobs. I was thinking about getting some government aid to help with money so i could get out. I hate having to pretend like i dont know its going on because part of me feels like if i fight with him about this we could end and i would be kicked out and have no where to take my kids and the shelters in my area are almost ALWAYS full. I have mentioned counseling for other things just to hear his opinion and from what i gather he would not be willing to do it. he has always been a flirt his family says, but its getting hard for me. i dont like that he hangs with these girls and all the flirting. hes not very good at taking care of the girls cuz he doesnt have much patients when they start crying he hands them off to me or will let them cry until i step in. i feel like im a single mom already sometime. im not sure how im going to fit in working too

Trisha - posted on 04/20/2015

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It sounds like you might need to start working part time in order to save up some money to leave.
My first suggestion though would be to get into couples counselling. Generally when people start to stray and get attention from people outside of their spouses it is because they are unhappy. Not necessarily unhappy with you...but unhappy with themselves and are insecure.
My husband and I used to have an agreement that this type of behavior was okay, as long as he was honest with me. As we got more serious and it started to upset me this changed. It was a struggle for him to change his behavior, but after a year of counselling and him working on himself he shows very little interest in other women. He admitted to the fact that he did this type of thing purely because of his insecurity.
Is he attempting to get a job?

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