Need some advise after leaving my sons father... Please help...

Kristina - posted on 06/20/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




Hi everyone. My name is Kristina. I am 25 years old and a newly single mom for the past 4 months. I was with my sons father for 5 1/2 years in which I lived with him. We had our ups and our downs for a very very long time. He had cheated on me, stole from me, lied to me and had done much mental abuse to me. Never physically abused me though. I was nothing but an amazing girlfriend to him. We had broken up and gotten back together several times, in hope that we could make it right. We were engaged 6 months into our relationship in which I got pregnant not to long after. I ended our engagement within 2 years because I knew we were not ready and it was not time, if there would ever be a time for us.Time and time again he told me he would change, told me that things would be better than things would be better and not longer than a few weeks to 2 months, it would be back to the same thing again. He was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder in which he has many highs and lows. He was in and out of jobs, would want to be a good man than would just not be one. I have held onto all of the good times we have had together but it seems to be the bad outweighs the good. I moved out of his house completley last summer after he had been talking to and fooling around with a girl he had a past with. That was enough for me, I could not take the pain anymore. He told me he didnt love me, that i was nothing to him. So I did what I had to do. In Sept. of last year, he came back to me, begging that I work it out with him, telling me that noone in this world meant anything to him like me besides our son. After all the hurt he had caused and the weeks of depression i went through, I took him back. In good faith that we could do it right AGAIN. I never moved back in with him FULLY but did stay at his house many nights and days of the week. I never fully moved back in KNOWING that, this may not work out. I had to stop the back and forth esp. for my son. As time went on, we started to fight over issues we always have, like his lazyness, his lack of time with my son which instead he would spend with friends. Wanting to go to the park with the 3 of us, was like pulling teeth.

I took up the nerve to finally say my goodbye and tell him that we were better off being friends. I had someone in my life at the end of our relationship that is a good hearted, honest and amazing guy who I have known for a few years. Not sure if that made it eaiser for me or not to leave but, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was completley over the entire situation and felt as if, this will never ever work out. My Ex tried really hard to get back with me, telling me, just one more time, I love you, I am in love with you, I know we can do this. Calling me at all hours of the morning telling me he loves me. Not to give up on us and our family. Asked me to hang out with him time and time again. I denied. I felt as if I had to say no, for the first time in 5 years. He said he understood, and that he wouldnt try anymore. Which he did for about another week or so. I still said no. There were days where I missed him so much, and one day fell weak and told him that I did. Lucky for him, he finally saw a little weakness in me about our situation. He took major advantage of that. About 2 weeks ago, at a friends house we had sex, in which he now says, was a HUGE MISTAKE. Soon after I said that maybe one day it would work out because I feel as if we do have alot of love but we just never could get it right, and that he just had so much growing up to do. He has been in Culinary school since Jan. and I am very proud of what he has done thus far, since I have never really seen him complete anything for his future. I received a message on Fathers Day from him telling me that he is now with someone. This someone, is the same girl that he was fooling around with last summer, who was the reason why we broke up. He told me that he is VERY happy, this and that. That I had a right to know this all. I said Okay.. of all people really? He said that he has never felt this way about anyone before. I told him that I to, was seeing someone, in which he said he figured that I was since I didnt want to work it out with him before. We talked about our son, and he told me that he didnt give a F*** how i felt about her being around my son. That it is not my choice. We went on and on and fought about it. That he has kept my son away from her for awhile, and that he soon would be meeting her. I said awhile? You just wanted to get back with me 2 months ago.

Everyone has told me that, she is nothing but a rebound, a comfort because I for the first time turned him away and said no. That i made it clear that we were only friends. He took that and now this is his revenge on me. She has alot of money, but a TERRIBLE reputation. She is known as our county slut. Doesnt make me to comforatble about my son being around her. The day he told me about her and him, he did nothing but try and throw things in my face to make me feel bad.. in which I did. He won. I know have all of these feelings of guilt that I did not before. Am i wrong for not getting back with him? Can he POSSIBLY really love her more than he ever did me? I never thought it was possible for him to care that much about anyone. My close friends have told me no, its not possible. This is all a game to hurt you and get under your skin. I think they are right but now this is just weighing on my emotions and in my head. I know that I left him and moved on, but I feel as if the moment I had a weak point he just ran away with it, and now im exactly where he wants me to be, feeling like this... I am trying not to think about them or if he really is that happy with her... or anything like that. I cant think about my son being around her. I just now, dont know how to feel at all, and i feel completley lost........


Jenni - posted on 06/20/2012




"My close friends have told me no, its not possible. This is all a game to hurt you and get under your skin."

-- I think your friends are right too. Of course he's going to tell you he loves her more than you, you hurt him by not getting back together with him and now he wants you to hurt. And from all of what you wrote, it appears he is quite talented at playing your heart like a yo-yo and getting under your skin. He's been playing emotional mind games with you for the last 5 years. It sounds like a toxic relationship you'd be best to avoid like a plague.

Remind yourself, you have done more than enough to try to make it work. You have given him more chances than most people would have. You have gone above and beyond to give him opportunity to change. He knew that he could do as he pleased because you two would just get back together and he knows all the buttons to push to make you doubt yourself.

It's time for you to put *yourself first* instead of him, your own heart. You sound like a lovely girl who deserves a partner who will put you first for a change. Forget him, forget his games, forget his jabs and cut the strings he uses to play your heart. Moving on is tough but be sure to take strides forward rather than backwards. If you have to tell him straight, that you have no interest in talking about you and him or anything other than pertaining to your son. If you have to, desolve the friendship. It isn't helping matters, only making it worse. Remain civil of course. Don't concern yourself with his new love life, you're only showing your weakness to him. Instead say "that's great! I'm glad you're doing so well." If you can manage to show him you've moved on (even if you have to fake it) then it is likely he'll give up on the games and that will make the transition much easier on you.

And he is correct, you really have no say in who he brings around your son, unfortunately. (short of them being abusive) So it's best not to dwell on it.


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Sarah - posted on 06/20/2012




First of all stay true to yourself. You know you deserve better and he's just playing head games with you to make you feel degrated and lower your self esteem. For some reason there are some guys out there who feel like they have to degrade others to make themselves feel better. I don't know you but from what you wrote, you are a strong person. Surround youself with others who can help support your decision to stay away from him. Don't push the issue of him seeing your son either. If he wants to see him, he will ask. Then let him know it will be under your conditions, not his or his "county slut" Pretty soon he'll realize that he has no control over you and will get it in his head that you are really done with him (which I think you should be). Try to do things that you remember make you and your son happy and I'm sure everything will turn out to the be in the best interest for you both. Until then, don't even give him any inclination that things between the two of you are bothersome. That just fuels his fire. When he asks you how you are or what you've been up, even if you have to, make something up. You don't want him to know emotionally this is bothering you. Tell him you guys are doing great for once and you have a lot less stress in your life. I know it will be hard at first but over time things will get better!

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