Need some advise before I lose my mind.

Joshua - posted on 09/18/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

6

0

1

Hello I'd like to start off by pointing out here that I am not a mother or even a female for the matter of fact. I'm a 19 year old male who is in a really, really, upsetting, and troubled situation, and all I ask is for your honest advise and opinion because I really am having a hard time with my situation and finding ways to cope with it. I honestly don't know where else to go to seek advise... I've been with my, "now ex girlfriend" for 2 years and our relationship has had it's fear share of ups and downs. I do the best I can to truly make her happy and it honestly has shows in the relationship we once shared. She broke up with me about a week ago due to the fact that her mother keeps nagging her and practically suffocating her with the fact that she knows her daughter and I are sexually active. (I'm 19 as stated above, and her daughter is 18 turning 19 in less than a month.) her mother is clearly not okay with this news, which apparently makes her feel that it is "okay" to say rude and unnecessary comments to her daughter about us being sexually active. She has said things like we're going to have to get married and we're going to have to live together; which is making her daughter now feel as if she is "forced" to be in a relationship with me. I must remind you that this is all just because we're sexually active, and take this for inconsideration, if you must. (Her mother has known that she lost her virginity way before even knowing me.) so I honestly can't grasp how being sexually active with her daughter can be such a problem especially if we're both having safe sex and are the legal age to do so. With all this currently taking place her daughter now is telling me she doesn't want to be with me at ALL due to the fact she can't take her mother nagging her about this situation anymore. What baffles me is how she can be so willingly "okay" with all of this, instead of sitting down with her mother and having a serious talk about all of this. Especially when she has told me that she would still want to be with me as long as her mom didn't bother her about this anymore. So with all this being said I can't understand why she can't just talk to her mo, so we can go back to the wonderful relationship we were having, before her mom decided to stick her nose in places it didn't belong...
Thank you for your time.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/18/2014

13,264

21

2015

Ditto dove's response.

She may be in a family that expects the kids to adhere to parental rules until they're 40.

Mine were the same, except they forgot to tell me that, and raised me to be an individual. They weren't happy when I took that and told them basically to fuck off about my relationship choices.

The most you can do at this point is gracefully accept that your gf is following her mother's advice, gently remind her that you are ready to resume the relationship, but maybe be willing to back off on the sex. Her mom doesn't want to be a grandmother yet, but she's not figured out a better way of communicating that to both of you.

Dove - posted on 09/18/2014

12,536

0

1354

Because that's her mother. Some people can not stand up to their parents as adults and live their OWN lives. Parental guilt can be a very, very powerful thing in some cases.

Lori - posted on 09/18/2014

126

0

0

I have another viewpoint. is it possible your ex-girlfriend is simply using her mom as the excuse to break up with you?

10 Comments

View replies by

Angela - posted on 09/21/2014

2,457

9

322

QUOTE (from Joshua)

'I want to say thank you for your honest advise and opinions guys it really means s lot to me. And to Lori, I do believe it's just about her mother, I know how her mom can be and I haven't seen or suspected any signs of it being "someone else"'

But Lori didn’t SAY that your girlfriend had found “someone else” – she only suggested that she might be using her mother as an excuse if she wanted to end the relationship! I cannot understand the male logic that thinks if someone wants to end a relationship then it must be because they’ve found someone else – and no other reason!

Sorry Joshua – for what it’s worth I do believe that it’s her mother’s influence in all of this anyway just as you do – but when you immediately come back to Lori saying there’s no-one else – well that shows immaturity.

The bottom line is that having a sex life is an adult privilege and one that many parents don’t want their grown children to have when they don’t have adult responsibilities. I daresay your girlfriend still lives with her parents – parents who are sponsoring her through college whilst also putting a roof over her head, feeding her and meeting many (if not ALL) of her basic needs. All of this requires MONEY. That’s why her mother suggests she marries you and lives with you – then the 2 of you can independently meet adult responsibilities whilst enjoying adult privileges.

Your girlfriend obviously sees that she needs to complete college, get decently-paid employment and probably meet a few other adult goals before settling down and marrying. She won’t be completely happy about her mother’s input – which is basically an ultimatum – but she knows which side her bread’s buttered!

All I can suggest is being mature enough to speak to her mother yourself, politely and assertively and, like Shawnn says, be willing to back off on the sexual side of your relationship for a while until your girlfriend no longer needs to be financially dependent on her parents. Now – that shouldn’t be so difficult, should it? A relationship is about LOVE rather than sex! Of course, if sex is your main motivation for wanting to cling to this relationship, then do your girlfriend a favour and find someone else!

Good luck!

Joshua - posted on 09/19/2014

6

0

1

Again to Raye, you honestly have given me such great advise I want to say thank you for actually taking the time to even respond to be about all this. You're 100% right about everything you said. I do honestly feel and believe she really does love me, but yes her mom does intimidate her, especially about this. And yes I can see how her mom is just trying to protect her daughter, But you really are right about all this. Yes the lack of male father figure in her life has made the relationship hard, but after all that's what happens to most who don't grow up with one. And I've always understood that and never talked negative about that, I e honestly have always done the best that I can to be there for her as a true friend and lover. I really do love her, and I guess if she's just not going to be willing to talk to her mom then I'm just going to have to make a choice. Which will be either I wait for her or I unfortunately move on. I'll only wait if I can see in her eyes that she really does want this she just needs time to figure out how she's going to let her mom know that this is a decision she's making for herself, that is if that's what she really wants to do. And if she just really no longer wants anything to do with me than I'm just going to have to move on with my life. I just really hope it's not that decision that I'm going to have to stick with... Raye, you've honestly have opened my eyes a little more to this situation, I was really upset about all this. I still am, I'm just handling it more maturely I guess. Thank you again.

Raye - posted on 09/19/2014

3,761

0

21

Both of you need to understand that her mom is just trying to protect her the best way she knows how. It's tough to see our kids grow up. We don't want them hurt, and we try to keep them from making bad decisions (or decisions we don't agree with). You guys are both young and have your whole lives ahead of you. But the mom does need to let her daughter grow up sometime, and make her own decisions, and learn from any consequences of those decisions.

Have you asked your gf why she won't talk to her mom? Don't accuse her of not loving you enough, or anything like that. Try to have a calm discussion to find the root of the issue. Try to be supportive and help her understand her own feelings. Is she afraid of her mom? Is she afraid of commitment? If she's had issues with her father and step father, she may unknowingly transfer that lack of trust to any other male in her life... she may be worried that you won't be there for her in the long run. But you BOTH have to understand that you are not her father, and you should not try to be a father figure to her. You are her friend and lover. You can't protect her or make decisions for her any more than her mom can, but you can show her support and love.

If she needs space to figure things out on her own, don't push her because you'll just drive her further away. Reassure her that you'll be there if/when she's ready to talk and if/when she wants to continue the relationship (that is IF you want to wait for her while she gets it figured out). Then back off. Check in with her every once in a while to see how she's doing, but don't get into anything too heavy unless she begins talking about stuff first. Then listen. Let her know you trust her to make the decision that's right for her. But, if she decides she doesn't want to get back together, then you have to let her go.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and only one to decide it's over. I know... I've been the dumper and the dumpee and I've been divorced. But after all that, I found the love of my life and we have been so happy together. If you feel she really loves you, then don't give up on her just yet. But if you're not sure and she's not trying to keep the relationship alive, then maybe she's not the right person for you. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but it's something for you to think about.

Joshua - posted on 09/19/2014

6

0

1

To Raye, I have to say that is the best response I've gotten from this thank you for being really honest. I actually really really do love this girl the only reason why "sex" was mentioned a lot was because that's the only reason her mom is having a problem. Her father has never been in her life and ever since I came into her life I've not only been there for her more than her father but I've actually been there more for her than her step father even during the short period of 2 years we've been together, without a doubt I know I am in love with her, I'm not with her for any sexual pleasures and when we are intament we always make love to each other. I still talk to her but you're right I feel that if Thid relationship or me aren't worth enough for her to sit and have a serious talk with her mother, then I clearly must not mean enough to her or the relationship ..... If you can respond back that would be great I really appropriate what you said.

Raye - posted on 09/19/2014

3,761

0

21

Even if she's 18 and legally an adult, if she's still living with her mom, she should be respectful of her mother's wishes. Now, that doesn't mean she should automatically break off the relationship. It means she should talk to her mom and tell her that she understands her mom's concerns that what she does now can impact her future, that you have been practicing safe sex, and that she wants to continue your relationship. And, maybe it would help to keep your relationship more discreet. If you've been going over there to hang out or pick her up, then maybe you should meet somewhere else instead. If the mother won't back off, and your gf really wants to continue your relationship, then she needs to move out.

I hate to say it, but if she's not willing to endure a heart-to-heart conversation with her mom and would rather cut you loose, then it seems like she's not as invested in the relationship as you are and may just be using you. I don't know her or you, so I can't say for sure. Also, in your post you don't even once say that you love her, but you mention sex five times. Maybe you should also evaluate your feelings for her and see if you're more worried about losing someone you love or if it's all about the sex.

Joshua - posted on 09/18/2014

6

0

1

I want to say thank you for your honest advise and opinions guys it really means s lot to me. And to Lori, I do believe it's just about her mother, I know how her mom can be and I haven't seen or suspected any signs of it being "someone else"

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms