Need support ASAP please

Audrey - posted on 08/02/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone thank you for reading this in advance!
So here's my story I am 26 years old. I have two young children. I have been married for 3 years now, my husband is 52 years old ( he is the father of both children) we have been together since I was 19 years old on and off. He was my boss. I have been unhappy for a while now, but it escalated after my second was born. I feel extremely stuck in my situation. I am a stay at home mom, with the kids all the time. I do everything around the house. He works constantly, drinks on a daily basis and is just not a hands on dad. He would rather stay home all the time and avoid social situations (unless I hound him to do something). I know he works hard and I appreciate that so much, but when he's home he is on his phone, or he finds other things to busy himself with. He never takes the kids anywhere by himself and he doesn't know how to play with the kids (interact). I feel like I have put my feelings on hold for so long now, I have put everyone in front of myself. Its easy to busy myself worrying about everyone else than myself. I am not attracted to my husband anymore, we act like roommates. He thinks that having another baby will make me happy. Ugh, this makes me really upset. I have asked him to go to therapy with me. He flipped out and told me he was not going and I couldn't go. I need to talk to someone. I feel alone, I feel guilty for even having these feelings, I feel like a failure. When I think about growing old with this person I feel sick to my stomach. I have no savings. I am in credit card debt and student loan debt. Am I just having a mid life crisis or something?! Are people faced with similar issues?

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Dove - posted on 08/02/2016

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I agree w/ Nadine. If he tells you that YOU can't go to counseling... that is him being controlling which is emotional abuse. You don't need his permission to go to counseling.

Sasha - posted on 08/02/2016

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I feel this way a lot too though my situation isn't exactly like yours. But my husband and I got pregnant after only three months of dating and here we are four years and two kids later and I feel similar to you, I don't think it's a mid life crisis, I think you have needs that aren't being met, your relationship isn't where it should be etc. Have you thought about getting a job? Maybe working and paying off your debts will make you feel better and also financially independent in case you ever want to leave. I would definitely go to counseling just for yourself, though the fact that your husband won't go shows me he is not committed to your happiness or relationship like he should be, or maybe you aren't communicating to him how unhappy you feel? Either way, it doesn't hurt to go and talk to someone so you can get your feelings out and maybe get some insight on what is going on with you. Clearly something isn't working and you should make every effort to figure it out so you can be happier. We only get one life, it doesn't make sense to suffer needlessly! It may just be time for a change! Good luck! And I hope this didn't come off as harsh, it's just my writing style I think haha,

Nadine - posted on 08/02/2016

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First off, you do not need his permission to go to counselling. He may not go, but that does not mean you can't. I would sit down with him and outright tell him you are not happy. Ask him if you could go to counselling just once together to see if it will help. In the end you are responsible for your happiness. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, working towards building a happy life together. If he is unwilling to build, maybe it is time for you to find your own way to be happy without him. I would also suggest perhaps an alanon support group. If he is drinking every day perhaps he has a drinking problem which is a major factor in all the issues you have been having.

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Audrey - posted on 08/02/2016

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Hey Sasha,
Thank you for your response. I am currently working 1-2 shifts a week bartending at the same place he works ( he is a golf instructor and I work in the tavern/snack bar area). I am constantly being nagged/questioned about our relationship because everyone knows him! Very frustrating. Everytime I try and talk about applying somewhere else he tells me it doesn't pay enough, hours are bad, etc.. I need to start saving I know. He has already told me we can't afford to live in our house. We can't afford it. Yet he is constantly spending. This is what he always tells me, "my father died young and he always wanted that red corvette and guess what he never got it, so I'm going to get the things I want". So we have no savings, no cushion, nothing. When I try to tell him I am unhappy and talk to him about our relationship, he thinks I'm joking! He will not take it seriously. I'm just tired of fighting, I'm tired of doing everything and not getting anything back. Meet in the middle at least. All this and sex issues ugh! Please lord help me be strong! Prayers please! I am going to go to counseling,I will go by myself first
Thank you

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