Need words of wisdom!!!

Rachel - posted on 12/11/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi All, I need some advice on the best way forward. My ex husband has seen our Daughter (10) once in 3 years. I kept trying to get him to meet me and sort this out as I know she wants to see him. Feb 12 he agreed to meet and I agreed to all access that he wanted, Every other weekend Friday -Sunday. However I stated that initially it would be for the day as she hadnt seen him, his girlfriend or their little girl for so long. The first visit he saw her on his own, so I had said she needed to spend time with his girlfriend and daughter first before she stayed the night. The day he so supposed to pick her up he just didnt bother coming.

Since then I have tried at various times to arrange another meet which he has refused until October 13 when he agreed, however he couldnt make the date I gave so I have been waitting for him to re arange since.

Yesterday was her birthday and at 7pm he turned up on my doorstep unannounced. He handed her a present gave her a hug and left, leaving her in tears. She has said she feels confused now that he has turned up as she doesnt know how long till she sees him again.

Where do I go now???? Do I push him for another meeting to come to an agreement and hope he sticks to it? or do I leave it and wait for him to make contact again? HELP!!!!!!!

6 Comments

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Dannie - posted on 12/13/2013

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i would get a court order for visitation and custody. And wait for him to contact you to see his daughter i did the same when i filed for divorce. and for a couple months after the divorce my ex husband would go to the alotted times for visitation. i granted supervised visits due to how unstable my ex is. after the first few months he started having more and more no call no shows and it got to the point he woulndt even answer the supervisors phone calls. it has now been over a year and he is MIA and no one knows where his location is now. i cant even gots support enforcement to find him so getting child support from him is almost impossible. but it keeps adding up in the back child support,

Ev - posted on 12/11/2013

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Rachel, do yourself a favor and get a court order for custody, visitation, and child support. They will do a few things for you. First, the orders protect your child most importantly, then you and her father. But establishing who has custody, what type of custody, and how it works for all involved. Visitation establishes the guidelines of what times each parent has the child for visits so she can have relationships with both parents. Child support is to help with her expenses and needs. Second, if one or both parents do not like this idea then they have to take it back to court to change it. Third, if one or the other parent chose not to use the visitation then its the loss of that parent. It is a violation of court orders but unless you want to spend the money to go to court to enforce it, it might be fruitless.

You can not force a person to see their child or do what they are not inclined to do. All you can do is hug your daughter and make life as good as you can for her. When she does ask, do tell her that her dad loves her in his own way but he has made his choices and for now there is not much you can do. Tell her that its a question he has to answer for her when she gets to ask him. Do not make him look bad in front of her just say sometimes people do not do the right things.

Rachel - posted on 12/11/2013

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Hi. There is no court order. He keeps threatening to go to court but never goes through with it. She knows it's him that doesn't make the effort as I've always been honest with her. She is at his mums every Monday for tea and every day in the holidays and never ever goes to see her or even phone her.

Ev - posted on 12/11/2013

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At this point, I would not keep on trying to contact him. I assume that you have court ordered custody and visitation. If you have a visitation schedule then one more time call him and tell him that if he wants to see his child he needs to contact you and let you know at least 24 to 48 hours in advance of said time. Tell him that he also needs to go with the visitation orders as well. If he fails to show up for his appointed times, there is nothing you can do. You can not force him to see her. And you are going to have to sit her down and tell her that though you would love for her to see her father, he right now has made some choices and she is going to have to learn to deal with it. SHe is ten and I know there is a lot she does not understand about this but she is old enough to know that he may decide not to come. Tell her it is not her fault it is his. As she gets older she will figure out what kind of person he is.

Rachel - posted on 12/11/2013

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Hi. Not officially, she has spoken to a teacher mentor at school wen she is willing to talk but most of time she says she doesn't know or she doesn't want to talk. X

[momoftwo] - posted on 12/11/2013

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All I can say is don't rely on that sad excuse for a man too much my ex is just as stupid. They even go through little spurts on "how they changed and want to be more involved with the kid" and then boom! No show!
Have you tried getting her counciling because he's messing with her head. :(

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