Need your views about my only daughter 19 yr old, im quite lost.

ERMINA - posted on 04/15/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I have a 19 yr old daughter, shes now incoming 4th yr college taking up AB Comm Arts, shes doing well in school eversince we had her. Above average grades and good communication skills, very confident in herself. and she has a boyfriend already If we have some misundertandings , and talked about it we ended up arguing, crying to each other. She always think that we dont love her, that we dont appreciate her, whenever i explain my side she would always say im the one whos always right, that i wont listen to her side, if i say okay whatever you want to believe okay fine, i will keep quiet, (just to end the argument). Then, She will say im sarcastic ! sometimes im ending up crying in front of her. I dont know if my husband and I did too much on giving all what she wants because she seems too "know it all", and sometimes if we argue and my husband would talk also , she will say okay fine both of you , against me. I dont know . Am i too control freak on her? coz sometimes i scold her for going to her bf place and staying there, you knw what i mean , i dont want her ending up pregnant. she will say do you trust me mom? she always say i dont trust her. Sometimes when i say go home early , she will dis agree. and say i can take care of myself. I hope you can share some of your views , and thoughts that might be of help to me . Thanks Em

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Jennie - posted on 04/16/2016

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My daughter is a college student, just turned 20. I believe you are a concerned mother because you know how emerging adults can be deceived in relationships and take them too far too fast with ALOT of regrets! You won't convince her of this though. You are trying to share good wisdom, not controlling or distrustful in my opinion. We need to take our parenting serious with healthy advice to them. We do have experience and have been given the responsibility to love, nuture AND guide them. I think this is one of the toughest places in parenting, when the adult child shows responsibility and hard work in most parts of their life but are still somewhat immature, impatient and argumentative in defending their risky choices in relationships.
I have reiterated to my daughter and son, if they want to make poor risky irresponsible choices that their father and I do not support, we will love them BUT we will not support them financially (car, car ins., phones, college costs etc.). This is just helping them take responsibility and respecting us (parents) as the people who care and guide them. Again this is not about trust. I trust my children to be who they are, young and lacking the wisdom and respect for their elders that comes with doing life....Right ?!!! Hope this helps.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/15/2016

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“shes now incoming 4th yr college”~~Good grief. Your daughter is NOT a child! She’s been at University for 3 years, and she reached legal adulthood at the age of 18.
“shes doing well in school eversince we had her. Above average grades and good communication skills, very confident in herself”~~Sounds like she’s a very mature individual, who is doing well.
“If we have some misundertandings , and talked about it we ended up arguing, crying to each other. She always think that we dont love her, that we dont appreciate her, whenever i explain my side she would always say im the one whos always right, that i wont listen to her side,”~~Pretty typical. Parents don’t understand that their kids aren’t babies any more, and can’t seem to give up the reins. OF COURSE she’s saying that you are ‘always right’, if you aren’t listening to (REALLY LISTENING)her side, then you are not respecting her.
“, if i say okay whatever you want to believe okay fine, i will keep quiet, (just to end the argument). Then, She will say im sarcastic !”~~Well, it does sound sarcastic, especially when you say you ‘keep quiet just to end the argument’. That means (again) that you are NOT listening to her, and not respecting her adult opinion.
“. I dont know if my husband and I did too much on giving all what she wants because she seems too "know it all", and sometimes if we argue and my husband would talk also , she will say okay fine both of you , against me.”~~Doesn’t sound like she was spoilt. Sounds like you and your husband cannot let go of the baby and allow the adult to have a life.
“I dont know . Am i too control freak on her? coz sometimes i scold her for going to her bf place and staying there,”~~A quick opinion says yes, you are too controlling. SHE IS AN ADULT. She gets to make adult choices, right or wrong, and she gets to learn from those choices, good or bad. You don’t get to control any aspect of that.
“i dont want her ending up pregnant. she will say do you trust me mom? she always say i dont trust her.”~~Doesn’t sound like you trust her. You are not demonstrating that you do. Don’t you think she’s already THOUGHT about the possibility of pregnancy, etc? Do you really think that you raised a simpleton?
“Sometimes when i say go home early , she will dis agree. and say i can take care of myself.”~~Is she living in your home? That’s the ONLY time you would have a small say in when she gets in.

Stop trying to control every aspect of your daughter’s adult life. If you raised her well, she will be fine. If you’re afraid you did not raise her well, it’s too late to change things now.

Ev - posted on 04/15/2016

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I have to agree with the others. She is an adult can live her life and learn from her good choices and her not so good ones.

Jodi - posted on 04/15/2016

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She's 19. Of course she "knows it all". You need to let her "know it all" and learn from her own mistakes now. You have had your time to teach her, your time is over - you are now the support for when she makes those mistakes and ONLY when asked. As we age, we gain wisdom through experience. Right now, you need to back off and trust that she can make good choices all on her own.

Heck, at her age (nearly 30 years ago), I was living in my own apartment, had a job, had a boyfriend, was having sex (shock, horror) and I managed just fine. Most people did. Somehow, my adult children have also managed to get by without my interference too.

Michelle - posted on 04/15/2016

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Well, she's an adult and can make her own choices. By what you have written here I would say you are too controlling. You have to let her make her own choices and mistakes, that's how we learn. You've done your job of raising her, now you have to hope she has listened.

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