Needing Advice

Camay - posted on 09/19/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )

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Greetings!!

Long story short...I am the mom of 2. My ex moved in (remained celibate/slept in different bedrooms) with the intention of marriage but he had difficulty getting established in our(he came from another state) city. The children adore him and him them ( I've never introduced my children to any man that I dated) Subsequently, he accepted a job in another state with the stated intention of contributing to the family and saving for our wedding. I was opposed but believe that men are to make there own decisions. We made some agreements re what it would take for us to maintain a long-distance relationship. We both agreed to the conditions. Simply, he did not uphold his end of the bargain~we did not communicate for 3 months. Recently, he reached out explaining that he fell on seriously hard times and was too embarrassed/disappointed/overwhelmed to communicate with his loved ones...friends, parents, and me (his beloved). Now, that he is better situated he wants an opportunity to demonstrate and continue along the journey to becoming a family via marriage.
Ok, so I feel hurt and disappointed in what I know to be his choice to not communicate and to leave me in the dark. I feel that he didn't consider me/us....that he didn't show himself to be a man of his word and my children were impacted!!!
I have told him that although I love him that is not the only essential ingredient for sustaining/reestablishing a relationship. He says that he is considering a job offer in my city and wants to rebuild our relationship and be a family.
My truth is that I began dating and imagined my/our life without him. I chose not to dwell on what I wasn't privy to knowing or the heartache I felt. I moved forward. I began to talk with my oldest (12 yr old son) about his feelings (he says that he is angry)...my youngest at 6 yrs old just loves the guy and wants me to tell him that she loves him.
I ve explained to him that I would never again compromise to the extent that I did previously(I am not comfortable living with a man outside of marriage). That I am uncertain if there will be an opportunity to rebuild and that he would need to be ok taking a "leap of faith" as I can make no promises. He has asked me to consider what I would need if we were to embark on reestablishing our relationship/trust and that he will do whatever it takes to be a family again.
My truth is that I love this man and am deeply hurt by his actions...Part of me wants to continue doing what i am doing and see what happens but realistically we are so bonded that I don't know if I can see him and others. I am concerned about my son who clearly is disappointed and hurt by him. My commitment is to my children first and I want my son to know that I accept and honor his feelings. I am uncertain as to how I would protect/help my children to adjust/accept/thrive if I was to allow this man back into our lives. I would need my son to be ok with it!

I've thought that if we were able to reestablish our relationship that there would/could be several things that would need to happen in order to move forward
~Christian-based pre-marriage counseling
~Family counseling
~Eventually, a direct conversation where my son can express his feelings/concerns with the guy...with my support of course.
~open/honest communication
Hmm, I need some words of wisdom/advice/encouragement.

Thank you!!...Have a blessed day!!

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