Needing advice for Co-parenting and a remarraige

Kristin - posted on 11/06/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My daughters father just recently got married, spur of the moment in Las Vegas. He lives in a different state so does not see her that often, and has not called to tell her. He was engaged as of thanksgiving last year to someone else, they split at some point this spring and then around the time that the summer hit he started pursuing a relationship with me by asking me to move out to his state and in with him as well as asking me to marry him in a text message. When I finally decided that pursuing that wasn't something that I wanted and felt was a good idea it was mid August this year. Now just over 2 months later he gets married on a whim to someone I have never heard of. It doesn't bother me that he's gotten married, good for him now maybe he'll leave me alone., what does bother me is that he hasn't taken his daughter into account for this just like everything else he does. Before this happened I agreed to let him have her for Thanksgiving. Personally I think that he should have been the one to say something to her, and inform her that he was getting married, and in a world where he didn't do it one day in Vegas spur of the moment I would have insisted he did. Now I'm wondering if I should be the one to tell her and if I should even let her go out, since I have no idea where they are living since he also just sold his house and had moved into his parents house right after.

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Ev - posted on 11/09/2015

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It is supposed to be him that tells her but if he has not yet, it might have to be you that does it. She needs to know one way or another. It would be a shock to her to find some woman there she does not know.

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Dove - posted on 11/09/2015

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If he hasn't told her... I would do it now. You also have the right to know his address and phone number before you let her go to him for Thanksgiving.

Raye - posted on 11/09/2015

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She should know before she gets there, so she can prepare herself. There's a little time still, and maybe you can ask him to give your daughter the consideration of hearing it from him (by a certain date, or else you will tell her). Really the sooner the better.

Kristin - posted on 11/09/2015

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Visitation isn't the issue, we have that worked out between the two of us and it has worked so far. I have full custody and I let him have her for the summer. I know how important it is for her to have a relationship with her dad, and I am fully aware that any decision made regarding their relationship should be hers to make. My main question is should I tell her myself or let her go out there not knowing and walk into it. Should I let them tell her when she gets there.

The information I posted regarding our relationship and her thanksgiving visit were just informational to help with the back story regarding my actual question.

Ev - posted on 11/09/2015

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Kristin--I agree with Raye. I can speak from experience watching my kids grow up with their dad having had a lot of girlfriends and then marriage to one of them 14 months after we divorced and then divorcing that one only to marry again 6 months later to someone else. This all before he and I had been divorced for 3 years. It as a roller coaster for them. I think your ex should have thought of your daughter's feelings on this but when they are an ex, as moms we have no say in how they live their lives and with whom. It would be respectful at the least to inform the other parent of the new relationship or marriage but it does not always happen. Also, my ex and I had joint custody and he had primary residence and care. I agreed to it because I did not want the kids to be worried about which parent they would be with every so often. I also could not fund numerous custody battles to keep them with me either. So for their stable peace of mind of a constant home and seeing me on a regular basis, we functioned well. But the relationship with their dad never got better but worse. With me they knew I was doing as i said I was and that they could see the truth of it. Their dad told them one thing and did another. So, I can understand your worries. I just hope this works out.

Do you have visitation and all that worked out?

Raye - posted on 11/09/2015

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I think you have a right to know where he lives and if he has a stable household before letting your daughter travel out of state to visit. It doesn't matter who tells her about the marriage (yes, it should have been him before he got married) as long as she knows to expect his new wife being there during the visit (if she goes). You and your ex need to talk about what his visitation schedule will be, and it should be finalized in court. That way, he can't expect anything above or beyond the court orders for visitation (that should have been done a long time ago). If you can't agree on a schedule, then you both can present your case to a judge and let the judge rule.

A child has a right to both parents. And in my experience, if one parent is a jerkface, then it's actually better for the child to learn that from experience. You giving them the opportunity to have a relationship is the best you can do. If he ruins that relationship by being irresponsible and inconsiderate of his daughter, then that's on him. I know you want to shield your daughter from that hurt, but it would be worse to keep her away from her dad and have her resent you for them not having the opportunity to have a relationship. It's a tricky predicament.

I think you did right by not giving in to a romantic relationship with him, especially since he doesn't seem to know what he wants. Some parents try to stick together for the sake of the kids even though they're miserable together, but that really isn't the best situation.

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