Needs some expert advice please

Ritikaarora - posted on 09/27/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My eight year old is really good,helpful and kind but she is very sensitive. She doesn't want to hurt my feelings and is always scared of me being angry at her. She is always scared and tries to do the right things but I sometimes feel that she is loosing her childhood .she is worried about te things which I had no ideas about when I was of Her age. Please guide me that how I can make her realise that she is a child and kids can make mistakes .

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[deleted account]

Ah, I see what you are saying now.
Does she have an outlet for healthy competition? How does she respond when she wins or loses a competition?
My son competes in Taekwondo and plays Baseball. These outlets give him the opportunity to compete in a friendly environment. He learns that it hurts to lose, but it also feels very good to win. This gives him confidence in other areas of his life--while he knows when he has to stand up for himself, he might sometimes make another kid feel bad, he also knows that it's not the end of the world for that child, and that he has as much a right to win as the other child does.
Competition builds confidence as well as sportsmanship, cooperation, empathy, persistence, determination, self worth, self identity, and many other great qualities we want to instil in our children.

If she is not competing, get her into a competitive sport where she can succeed. If she is competing, talk to her about her confidence in competition and relate it to other areas of her life.

Ritikaarora - posted on 09/28/2013

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Thanks for your advice Kelly. I appreciate the way you are dealing with ur son and I am sure it works fine but mine one doesn't make many mistakes specially like you said slamming the keyboard and stuff like that however she doesnot pickup after she plays as you said but whenever I ask her to help mum pack up she works harder than me. She is really an obedient child and she is always scared of making mistakes. If she is playing with a child .she is ever ready to sacrifice her things ,her turns or her rights . She is more inclined towards her duties than her rights . Which is indeed good but sometimes I get sacred that in this world of competition she can't always sacrifice. She needs to learn how to fight for her rights too. And she doesnot want me to be hurt in any case. She sometimes without any reasons asks me mum are you cross with me fr anything . It disturbs me a lot. Why is she worried about these things all the time. Why she doesnot enjoy her childhood as other children do. I just want her to be out of this phobia. So any guidelines about that I would love them
Thanks

[deleted account]

My son is 8 as well. I tell him that mistakes are learning experiences. In that light, mistakes are good for us, they are a valuable part of our childhood. When my son makes mistakes, I sit down with him and discuss the outcome and the events that lead up to it. Then we talk about what we learned from our decisions regarding those events and what we could do differently next time. His only discipline is usually the natural consequence of the mistake--didn't study, failed a test. Sometimes, I have to make up a logical consequence, like the other day when he slammed his keyboard on the desk after he failed a timed multiplication practice test. His computer has been removed from his room indefinitely.

I usually give away things that he loses due to disrespect, but he needs the computer for school, so I couldn't completely get rid of it. It is now in my husband's office and may be used for school only. That said, I do believe in second chances, so I might let him have it back in his room at the beginning of next school year, which is in about 10 months. Sometimes I will also allow him to use his allowance to purchase a replacement for items he's lost. For example, when he was about 6 years old, he kept leaving his games out after playing on the playstation. I took the games to Gamestop (a store that buys used video games) and sold them (I put the $ in his college fund), but he was allowed to save up his allowance and buy another copy of the same game. Once he realized how long it took for a 6 year old to save up $30, he started taking much better care of the games.

Sometimes, I think kids are frightened of getting in trouble or making mistakes because our first impulse is to punish them very severely. Sometimes it is good to let them try to right the wrong instead of just punishing them. That will teach them not only not to make the same mistake again, but will teach them the problem solving process to follow after future mistakes. It will also empower them and give them the confidence to let you know when they've messed up so that you can help them.

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