New and need to rant

Katie - posted on 06/27/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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So I am not a mom and will never biologically be a mother. I have never liked kids, in fact I recently just stopped calling her it. So long story short the mother and I have been really good friends for almost a year. Mother is in and out of psych wards, let say she's in 40% of the year. Well, I was arms length with the child until bio moms last overdose. During this hospital visit while she was drugged up she voiced that she only wanted to be half a parent. The father is a very good active parent knows a lot about the kid. Bio mom only wants to be around for when she's older and make-up boy's ect. After that I took on a much bigger role as a female role model then picking her up from daycare. I know dad is leaving the mother at some point because she is not getting better and the child is getting older and learning way too much about mom's illness. So I became a full time "mom" figure to this child, I moved in a few months ago because mom needed full time care, she has my heart the people at her school and day care think I am her bio mom, mom doesn't care I do things with the child, I have corrected and made aware we are not related at all. So I decided to visit a friend who is having a baby in November. I am struggling on what to do about the child in the entire situation.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/28/2015

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You state that you 'recently moved in' to care for the child's mother. That makes you a caregiver, not a nanny.
Leave the childcare to the child's parents. I'm fairly certain that the child's father can manage right nicely.
As far as 'exposing' the child to her mother's illness, again, this is something the child may or may not face herself as she grows up. Why on earth would anyone withhold that information. Believe it or not, information CAN be presented to the child in an age appropriate manner.
You're better of remaining caregiver for mom. If the family needs assistance with childcare, there are other, qualified child caregivers available.

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Katie - posted on 06/28/2015

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When I stated I am struggling on what to do with the situation I am struggling with knowing that I am going to be the mom, and wanting to do what's in the best interest of the child. Legally I am the child's guardian, that was due to unfortunate circumstances.
You said leave the parenting to the parents when one parent does not want to parent. Examples does not want to go to mother daughter lock-in's, does not want to interact with child, no communication between the two, only feeds the child McDonalds (three meals a day and snacks are only half a bag of cereal) obviously I have a lot of resentment from this. The father is a carpenter who owns his own business and works 100 hours a week to pay for everything. I am with the kid whenever she is home and do everything with her. I mean the other day we made tic tac toe cupcakes over Skype. Do you really think it's in the best interest of the child for me to leave?

Katie - posted on 06/27/2015

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I actually really do care for her. To me calling her It which is something I have never done to her face to me would be the same as saying honey, angel, dear, sweety, ect. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was insinuating he is leaving, he is leaving her because of all the issues over the past 7 years and will not let that continue to affect the child. I have been asked to stay apart of her life since I am so involved. I take the child to school, pick her up from day care, help with home work, take her to awana, and heritage scouts, shopping, bathing, teach manners, that's why I have been asked to stay once this happens. I want to stay in her life and not leave her feel abandoned. I am 800 miles away and she calls six times a day asking if I am coming back and tells me she's afraid I'm going to leave. The mothers health as a mother how would you want to educate your child about the grid patterns from cutting on your arms/ entire body and why you cut every day, yet the hospitals will not admit her into a state facility. Then how would you explain why you attempt suicide several times a year? I don't think that is appropriate for a seven year old to know I could be wrong I am here to learn from others not be judged. As for the term caregiver on this site how is it defined? I have worked for the past eleven years at hospice with specialization in alchemizes and dementia, so I am wondering if I am confusing the term caregiver with that?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/27/2015

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I'm not sure why you are pushing yourself into their lives. Its not as if you really care for this child, or the child's father.
Leave the child raising to those who actually care. Her father hasn't left her mother, and you insinuating that he may do so because she's "not getting any better" indicate that you think he's a rather shallow man. What's wrong with the child learning and being educated about her mother's illness? Especially if it is something that the child could run the risk of in her future?
If you are the mother's caregiver, great. That doesn't make you the child's caregiver, and if you just "recently" stopped referring to her as 'it'..well, IMO, you're not cut out for being a female role model.

Katie - posted on 06/27/2015

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I am on here since I found I like being involved in her daily life and I am here because I care about her and want to make things better for her. The calling her "it" has never been done to her face. I intentionally avoided her until her mom would sit in the car at day care and ask me to go sign her out. I mean really who do you think she is better with someone learning or someone who does not want to be apart of her life?

Dove - posted on 06/27/2015

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If you don't even like kids you have no business being involved in raising one. Calling a little girl IT?! Are you trying to make sure she grows up w/ mental health issues just like her mother?! Let the dad raise his daughter and find someone who actually cares about her to help him.

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