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Ginger - posted on 11/14/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of 3 girls. Divorced their narcissistic father, 8 years ago. I'm now 50 years old and realized what narcissism really was being married for 18 years to a very mentally, emotionally abusive husband. My middle daughter, now 24 split with her boyfriend back in Feb. and I told her she would always have a place to stay... so she moved in. It was pure hell. She explained she wanted to save money by living with me and holds a 40 hr per wk job. Which I agreed upon until I recieved the water and electric bills. Daily, I've tried to be objective and not take sides between her and my youngest daughter, age 17, who is now a senior in high school, honor student going for advanced studies diploma and getting ready for college next Fall. The 24 yr. old who I suspect has narcissistic tendencies and possibly something psychotic going on, has done nothing to contribute to our family, have any compassion or understanding, or help with the extra costs with the electric bill, water bill, groceries or basic chores. All i asked her to do was to replace what she uses. When I ask for help, which I believe I shouldn't have to, you know what I get. Well, it got so bad between us and her younger sister called me at work crying every day because she can't take the abusive words, cussing, calling her names, etc. In the meanwhile, the 24 yr old started dating a friend she's known for 7 years. She started laying down the rules of when he was sleeping over, which was atleast 5 nights a week and her life was being lived the way she says or else I heard it, all the twisted mind-bending crap that wore me down to a worm crawling on the ground, just like when I was married to her father. I was freaking out at that realization! I had a conversation with her and accused her of being a mooch. She walked out and moved in with her boyfriend and his family. Now that she has them, she has no need for me anymore and this has slowly progressed into her telling me in a text that I have betrayed her. This betrayal she feels is also due to my fence-mending with my niece who has also, in her perspective, betrayed her. Also, I've spoken recently to her ex-friend in the grocery store one day, who has also betrayed her. It all seems to be that in her perspective that everyone betrays her and she is never wrong, so she wants nothing to do with them. Now it's me! I am needing some advice what to do at this point. I am now being given the silent treatment because I am such a terrible mom and have betrayed her. Now with Thanksgiving coming, I fully expect her and her boyfriend to not show up, which she knows would hurt me deeply. My 50th birthday was last month and I didn't get a card or anything. Feeling a little hopeless and ask for prayer in this situation. This seems to be spiraling downward, and starting to feel out of control. We have gone to lunch several times, the movies, she and her boyfriend have come over for dinner many times but something is missing. Nothing is good enough for her.....bottom line she says I've betrayed her and our relationship will never be the same after I said she was being a mooch. And now that I've mended fences with my niece, I've betrayed her. Any advice?

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Raye - posted on 11/14/2014

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I would have drawn the line at her boyfriend staying over. If she wanted that kind of arrangement, she should have her own place. But that's neither here nor there at this point. It wasn't a good idea at the start to agree she could stay there without paying anything or without establishing some rules about having men over, etc., and it probably did seem to her like you went back on your word. But you were unprepared for the impact that she would have on your household, and you had every right to begin setting boundaries as the issues presented themselves. It is your house, after all, and your rules. She also should not have wanted to put so much financial and emotional strain on her family. She's an adult, she should act like one. You were not wrong to ask her to replace what she uses while she was living at your house.

You're not a terrible mom. You're a mom that was demanding a little respect from her adult daughter. If everyone around her has betrayed her, then she should consider what the common thread is... herself. My advice is to let her act like a spoiled brat if that's what she wants to do. There's nothing much you can do about it anyway. Don't let her get you down. Take care of your other daughter, keep up the other relationships with your niece and other family members. If she comes to her senses, then continue to build the relationship with her. But if she wants to stay out of contact, then it might be for the best that she's not putting her family through that kind of turmoil.

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Ginger - posted on 11/14/2014

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Thank you so much for your encouraging response. I will definitely take to heart what you've said and appreciate your honesty and clarity. Your perspective has definitely reaffirmed my thoughts on how to handle these situations and also opened my eyes to her perspective also. Thanks again!

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