New Boyfriend Sleeping Over

Darren - posted on 03/16/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

3

0

1

My son is 18 months old. I have been separated from a common law relationship with my son's father for just over a year. He spends a lot of time with our son and sees him every day and most nights carries him up to bed. So our son knows who his daddy is. Dad loves our son so much and our son loves his daddy.

I started to see someone new about 7 weeks ago. I feel he is the man I will stay with and I've started to introduce him to our son. We've spent time taking him to the zoo and other daily outings. He has also spent many evenings in the house and has dinner with us frequently. I am ready to have him spend the night in my bed with me. My son sleeps in his crib in my room and often wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to sleep with me in my bed.

Two questions. Would this be damaging to my son to see another man who is not his father in the same bed with us through the night?

His father also thinks I shouldn't have the new man spending "family" time with our son. Taking him to the zoo and other day trips etc. He feels it's too soon for our son to see another man that close to mom. I disagree and see nothing wrong with it because I feel even though it's only been 7 weeks, I will stay with him.

My son's father is basing some of his concerns due to my past. I have another son who is now 18, but was 12 years old when the father of my other son first met him. At that time, he was the 6th man that was brought into my first borns life. So 5 other men in and out of my first born's life by the time he was 12. I don't believe I will repeat the same behaviours but my son's father is very concerned with my new boyfriend being part of our 18 month old son's life. He is also feeling very hurt like he's being replace, or our son will be confused as to his father figure. I don't see it as a problem.

Am I wrong? Should I keep a new man at a distance for a much longer time? If so, how long? Should my new man be in the same bed with me with my son in his crib in the same room and sometimes in the same bed though the night? Will this have a negative impact on our son?

Honesty please. Thank you

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Raye - posted on 03/16/2016

3,761

0

21

MaryAnn, I get what you're saying, and would probably agree if the child were older. My mom and dad divorced when I was almost 7. My older sister and I encouraged my mom to date, knowing that dating would not guarantee us a new daddy. But when the child is very young, and doesn't understand these things, it can be very hard on them to learn how to trust any man or new person that comes into their lives if people keep leaving. You don't want to teach them that relationships are all temporary, either. Call me old-fashioned, but I think forever relationships should still be the goal.

Also, personally, I don't like having sex with the dog or cats in the room, let alone having sex with a kid in the room. Even if the child doesn't wake up, it's still creepy to me. If she's going to have sexual partners in her bed, it might be appropriate to at least stop letting the child sleep with her on a regular basis (except nightmares, storms, that kind of thing), and maybe the child should have their own room.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/16/2016

13,264

21

2015

Seriously? You've not even KNOWN this man for 3 months. You need to slow WAY the hell down, and be responsible.

Your first responsibility is to your kid. Yes, you get to have a life, but you don't need a new man in your bed after only 7 weeks of knowing him. GET TO KNOW HIM. Learn about his past, his family, his plans for the future...

Sarah - posted on 03/16/2016

3,880

14

1082

You are moving way too fast. You have only known him for 7 weeks! Don't introduce your son to new guys until you are ready for the ring and a date. 7 weeks is not ready for a ring and a date. In my opinion no guy should be sleeping in your bed until you are married. Too many issues going on here.

Raye - posted on 03/16/2016

3,761

0

21

You should first get the relationship legally resolved with your husband before you introduce a new love interest to your kid. Then you should still take it slow. Kids can get very attached very quickly. Sorry, but 7 weeks is not long enough to know how this relationship is going to turn out. You need to protect your child, and take things slow. Having 6 other men in the life of your first born, I'm sure, has had some effect on them. It's not good. Stop being selfish, and do the right things for your children. If the relationship is meant to be, then he'll stay round while you are doing right for your child. If he doesn't stick around, then he wasn't right for your family.

12 Comments

View replies by

MaryAnn - posted on 03/17/2016

347

0

17

Thats the courts decision, not the exes. Although, as a hater of change, I'd feel inclined to make lifestyle adjustments as slowly as possible, I think its an order I would fight. Its antiquated to believe sex and space sharing are marital activities. Marriage isnt as common as it used to be, and shouldnt be a requirement for companionship- regardless of if children are involved.
I understand about security and attatchment and all that whatnot, but in every other aspect of a child's life, the parents are deemed competent enough to make major decisions- and help their child if there is any negative side effects of those decisions.

Dove - posted on 03/17/2016

12,144

0

1353

*Your ex does NOT get to decide what you do on your time, who you expose your son to, or how.

While this is, generally, completely true... many people are able to get it written into a court order that there be no co-ed sleepovers prior to marriage if the child is in the home.

Dove - posted on 03/17/2016

12,144

0

1353

Before I read any comments... 7 weeks is way too early to even introduce a new man to your child.... much less have a sleepover. In my opinion... anything under 6 months (unless circumstances make it impossible) is too early for an introduction and no sleepovers prior to marriage.

Sarah - posted on 03/17/2016

9,610

0

22

While the visits etc I think are fine. I do not think a man you are not married to or related to the child should sleep in the same bed with the child. Slow down. In 7 weeks, even if you are positive he is the one, it is really soon to thrust this guy full force into your lives.

Darren - posted on 03/17/2016

3

0

1

MaryAnn,

I'm not looking for validation, I'm looking for honest advice and opinions. I'm not going to get mad and leave when reading exactly what I've asked for.

I appreciate the feedback

MaryAnn - posted on 03/16/2016

347

0

17

Honestly... I think its rare anyone listens here. Im pretty sure people just look for validation, or get mad and leave.

MaryAnn - posted on 03/16/2016

347

0

17

I definitely agree about the sex. Its totally not a comfortable idea. The post just didnt mention sex. Before hubby and I were married, when SD was a baby and still in his room, we made use of the couch, coffee table, shower, kitchen floor... DX life isnt nearly as fun anymore... Lol.
He introduced me to SD what I would say was a bit early... But Im the only lady friend she met. As for the sleepover thing... :$ I'm going to be honest, its more just what I tell myself. Cant tell you how many boyfriends SD had met, and how many she misses... But we always tell her the truth, and so does her mom. Age appropriate, of course. We dont talk about DV or cheating or anything like that. When it doesnt work, we tell her he wasnt mr. Right, or maybe he was mean, and her mom needs a nice boyfriend.

MaryAnn - posted on 03/16/2016

347

0

17

My opinion is an unpopular one.
Not every relationship is a forever relationship. I dont think it is wrong to show a child this. If this one is a forever relationship, thats definitely a bonus. At seven weeks, I'd be very hesitant to move him in, or make him overly available to your son. But a sleepover? Meh. Whatever.
Bonus: if its too much for the bf to handle- midnight wake ups, crying, bed sharing- it gives him an easy out before things get too serious.
Your ex does NOT get to decide what you do on your time, who you expose your son to, or how.
Moving on with your life is always the right thing to do.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms