New family, New home! Help!

Crystal - posted on 03/30/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and I have decided we are going to move in together. I have a 14 year old and a 9 year old. They both love him very much. He has a 4 year old. She loves my girls and me. The thing is where we are right now, his mother and father live right next door. Anytime his daughter is down she throws a fit to be next door. She never wants to be at our house and frankly its like pulling teeth to get her to come home away from her grandparents. We have recently found a house and we are going to be moving soon and his little girl is just not having it. Her mother and soon to be step father are expecting a baby boy and her soon to be step dad has a daughter around her age and this doesnt seen to affect her at all, but when it comes to her dad moving we have come to the conclusion the child just wants to be by her grandparents. We arent moving far just a mile or so but my boyfriend cant talk to her there is no consoling her and she is literally a chaotic mess when you try to do anything with her other than give her what she wants. I need some advice because this has become a serious issue and we close on our new home in a matter of weeks. Also, I dont give my input on how to raise his daughter because of this situation. The mother put her in pageants and has seriously created a child that gets her way with anything and his parents give her anything she wants. They have even stated they are going to keep the house we are living in right now just for the 4 year old, but we know its not the house its them. HELP!

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Tina - posted on 03/31/2015

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Can you give her planned times with her grandparents? So you see them, this time to this time, and once you move you plan on visiting them, this day each week (or skyping with them or something).

This way she knows you are still planning time for her to see her grandparents and this is obviously an important issue. The next issue is if she decides to yell/scream about the situation.

It would have to be up to her dad to agree but what you can do is if she starts complaining/freaking out about seeing the grandparents is that you first tell her, we are not going to see them now you will see them _____, if she continues you say if you do not stop yelling about it you will have to go to your room for some 'calming down' time until you're ready to talk about things (encourage her to say she misses them, possibly give her tools like drawing them a picture when she misses them). If she continues on then you silently bring her to her room and tell her when she's ready to be calm and stop yelling to see them she can come out.

Then if she tries to run away calmly bring her back into the room, without talking (or possibly a quiet reminder that she is not allowed to leave until she stops) and that's it.

Once she's calmed down she can leave the room and you can talk to her about what she can try to do next time instead (talk about how she misses them, draw a pic for them, or other ideas, call them even). It's okay to be sad about it but it is NOT okay to freak out at you guys.

You do not need her to agree with you, you don't need to console her or have her agree with you, what you need is for her not to freak out at you. If she can't control herself she needs to be taken away from that space until she can calm herself down. It doesn't have to be a huge deal it just takes consistency.

You and your husband would both have to agree on this rule and explain it to her, and be willing to follow through. It sounds like this is the adults fault more than her, you're allowing her to keep acting like this and that is just as bad for her as it is for both of you.

Once again also keep consistent times when you WILL see the grandparents so that if she is upset you can remind her that she IS going to see them again on this date, (2 sleeps from now, or w/e) and possibly set up skype dates. Give her lots of transitional warnings (we're going to get ready to go from grandma's in 30 min, 10 min, 5, 1 more miknute now let's get ready and say bye!). That way she will have more time to mentally prepare and if she does start to throw a fit beforehand you don't have to console or argue you simply walk away and come back to remind her again later.

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Michelle - posted on 03/31/2015

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I agree with Raye, maybe you shouldn't be moving in together. He needs to get his life sorted out before adding you and your children into it.

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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How long have you been dating? Maybe it's not the right time to move in together. Sounds like they have issues they need worked out before you can move forward with this guy.

Crystal - posted on 03/31/2015

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This all sounds like a great idea but the child gets no punishment. Now she wants to stay at the grandparents every night and now my bf is staying there with her. He doesnt stay home anymore.

Crystal - posted on 03/31/2015

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The mother left the father because he drinks a lot and they got married because she got pregnant and his parents caused a lot of problems between them much like they are doing now. Im not sure of the particulars but i do know that the mother is a spoiled brat as well and has been given everything. She bought a house and her grandparents gave her the 30,000 down payment and not too long after that she moved her bf in whom she was already talking to and got pregnant. I understand the child has been through a lot but the insane amount of chaos that goes on here is something ive never seen before.

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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I agree with Michelle and Tina. This poor girl has gone through a lot. However, that doesn't give her a free pass to act like a spoiled brat. You do need to tell her that you're moving and that just the way it is. Her throwing a fit won't change it. And do talk to her about how she will still see her grandparents. You should also put your foot down with the grandparents to stop giving her everything and making your lives a nightmare. Kids need boundaries and to earn their privileges. They will say something like "grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandbabies" but not to the point where it is affecting your lives.

Michelle - posted on 03/31/2015

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Just 1 question:
Did her Mother move into her boyfriends house or did he move into hers?

The reason I ask is that this little girl has been through a lot of upheaval and maybe she sees her Grandparents as stable.
There is a lot going on in this little girl's life and at 4 no one listens to her, they just tell her what to do.
Yes, I did read about her being in pageants and feeling entitled but I think there is more going on.
How long have you been with your BF? How long has the Mother been with hers?
These are all relevant questions.

Crystal - posted on 03/30/2015

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The grandparents do make things hard on her. They still have photos of him and the ex wife together all over the house. The spend way more money than they can to give her her own room and buying her extravagant things that a child just doesnt need. The other day she went and told them her daddy was being mean to her and raised his voice. That didnt happen but his mother was adamant about not letting it go and coddling the child to the point you cant do anything with her. My boyfriend is aware that the best thing to do is move and to get her away and on to a better relationship with him. I, however, came here to seek advice and although ill do my part to ease the transition it is best that i keep my opinions in this matter to myself. Having two daughters myself they never acted like this and they wouldnt dream of treating me like this. Its just hard, and I agree, we have to do whats best for the adults and the family but when it comes to her, what she wants and what she screams for she ultimately gets and it seems im the only one who sees the wrong in this. My boyfriend and I have had some fights over it because of this move. He is a firm believer that his childs happiness comes before anyone else and i agree, but theres a thin line between spoiled and actually upset.

Kcurti2 - posted on 03/30/2015

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Sounds like a very strong willed 4 year old. I have one of them. You should do what's best for the family. Maybe she can pick out some room decorations or have her own special place in your new house. Sometimes my 4 year old makes up her mind and there is no softening the blow. At the end of the day you have to establish who the adult is. I wish y'all the best of luck! My 4 year old also adores her grandparents, but fortunately we do not live close for this very reason.

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