New girlfriend does not want ex to see his children

Alyson - posted on 02/01/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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How can a woman who claims she loves children, and she loves her new boyfriends children, not allow him to see his kids, young girls that are 2 and 4. Of course, the father is wrong in every aspect for allowing it, but how could a woman, who seemed to have morals and acted as though she loved the kids in the beginning, turn against the kids. All because the childrens mother told the father that from here on out she preferred not to have the new girlfriend in her home to drop of the kids, and stated that he could drop them off on his own....now he has come up with a ridiculous excuse and cannot give the mother a time frame for when he can resume visitations with the kids....how can any women be so cruel, especially a "domestic violence" worker. How can you be so cold and cruel towards young little girls...is it possible she is envious of the childrens mother? The new girlfriend was a control freak from the start, taking control of every aspect of the fathers life, however; the childrens mother was not going to allow her to control her life or interfere in the childrens visitations or cause any further disruptions to the little consistency they had with their father. Guess that does not matter, as he states he will not be seeing the children for an infinite amount of time....

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[deleted account]

Sorry, I edited my previous post to include my own experience, before realizing you had responded. I will add that it's impossible for you to know exactly how the dynamic of their relationship behind closed doors is playing into his dealings with you and his children. In the same way that you believe it's her making him stay away from his children, for all you know he could have intercepted your emails and she may never have seen them. There's no way to know, which is why I say it is probably best to hold HIM 100% responsible because whether she is telling him not to see his kids is a moot point....he doesn't have to listen to her. And trying to analyze and assume without being in her head is just going to create unnecessary bitterness within you. You don't want to have that burden if one day he decides to marry this girl and she is going to be in your kids' lives forever. Trust me...my husband's ex has gone that route with him and me and it is a completely unmanageable dynamic now, and not at all healthy for the child. And I have no expectation of it ever being any better. Just as you say you want nothing to do with the childishness anymore, perhaps she is saying the exact same thing. Especially if he is saying one thing to you and the truth of the matter is a little (or a lot) different in his home. So if I were you, I would forget about her, and just hold HIM accountable.

Dove - posted on 02/01/2013

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Sounds like the man needs to grow a pair and be a REAL man and dad.....

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Jodi - posted on 02/01/2013

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I don't know what happened to my second post, it appears to have disappeared!

There is nothing you can do. He has to make that choice, and if he is being controlled by her, then there is little you can do to change that. I know it makes you sad and frustrated, but you just need to do the best you can by your girls. I don't blame you for being so upset. He may come around (when he grows some balls), but it has to be his choice.

Whatever you do, do NOT reduce the child support. That's total bullshit. Why would he want to reduce the support of his children? It certainly isn't their best interests he has at heart.

Alyson - posted on 02/01/2013

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Sorry, I am the mother, this is all new to me, but all just a slap in the face so I wasnt sure if to write as directly from me or as a what if scenario....I have gone as far as to text the new gf and tell her whatever the miscommunications were, I am sorry, and do not want to pursue this childness any further, however; I would not change and disrupt the childrens schedule to the little consistenty that they had to make her feel a certain way with her relationship...I was pleasant in the email, she never replied. I just am so frustrated and hurt for my girls, especially my four year old who asks for him often. I know HE is the main problem here, but it is just such a slap in the face and hurtful, and even though he is rotten, I would never want my girls to sense that...I know when they get older, they will see things on their own, but I am trying to hold off on that for as long as possible and just let them feel and believe that daddy loves them and just cannot be around right now because he is working or has other obligations....I just feel horrible inside, I don't feel that I have to bow down to his new gf, however; I have always been nice to her and respectful and thanked her each time she was present...I just wasn't expecting for either of them to behave like this, plain and simple, my heart aches for my girls.

[deleted account]

Are you the mother of the children, speaking in third person here? Or are you a friend of the mother? If you are a friend of the mother, you may never understand the "whys" of the situation because you may be hearing everything through one side's mental filter, which leaves out any feelings or motives the other side has in doing what they do. But from how you have described the situation, it isn't the girlfriend who should be being questioned here, but the dad. No girlfriend can physically control the relationship he chooses to pursue or not pursue with his children and it kind of sounds to me like he is using his girlfriend as a cop-out to be a less than responsible and attentive parent. Sorry but ultimately that is in no way the girlfriend's fault. He's an adult and makes his choices, even if that choice is to allow someone else to push him around...still his choice. Maybe he needs to grow a set, I don't know. As for the mom not wanting the girlfriend to be present at child exchanges, I can understand that. It's nice when the partners of the parents can be friendly with the ex, but not everything is so black and white. If mom is uncomfortable around the girlfriend, then the dad probably SHOULD do drop-offs and pick-ups. After all, they are his children and his responsibility. If the girlfriend had never been anything but sweet and pleasant to the children's mom and she's only uncomfortable because it's her ex's new girlfriend I would say she should at least TRY to suck it up and face the woman for the couple minutes it takes to pick up the kids. However, if there has been an offense I can understand why the mom wouldn't want to deal with her. And maybe she shouldn't have to until things cool down. If the mom and girlfriend really can't get along, it's probably better for the children not to see them coming together in awkwardness and hostility anyway, so why not just leave exchanges for mom and dad to take care of? Just my opinion. At no point in your post do you state how you KNOW it is the girlfriend who is supposedly not allowing him to see his children. (I say supposedly because he still has a choice, unless she is holding a gun to his head). Has the girlfriend actually told the mom (or you) that she doesn't want the dad spending time with his kids? Because she may in fact NOT be as "cold and cruel" as you assume. Perhaps you don't have the whole story. I say this only because I am a stepmom who was accused of the very same thing and it was absolute horse shit. I never ever ever told, or even asked, my husband not to see his child from a previous relationship. I asked him to do a better job of disciplining because it was affecting everyone else in our home, and he relayed the story to others as that I told him I didn't want his child around. I have been frustrated with him for not giving me notice on schedule changes with visitation, which affected the schedule for the rest of us, and he relayed the story to others that I was pissed off that he got his child for visitation. Not true, I had only wanted him to respectfully alert me to changes that affected all of us. But do you see what I'm saying here? Sometimes men either misunderstand the frustrations and complaints of their partner and relay that misunderstanding in a way that makes the partner look awful. And then there are sometimes, and some men, who will knowingly just pass the blame onto their parter because it is easier and takes the heat off of himself. I'm not saying that's definitely what's happening here, just saying it's a possibility to consider before labeling someone "cruel".

Alyson - posted on 02/01/2013

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In the beginning, it was allowed, and they got along fine...then one day the mother gets a random text from the new girfriend saying, here is "blanks" new cell number, I changed his number and added him to my plan. Within that week, the father asked to speak to the mom and told her that he didn't want to be with this woman, she was extremely controlling, yet paying for everything and would she consider reducing the amount of child support he had to pay so he didnt have to depend on this woman. Then the next time he had the children, they both came in and the girlfriend wouldnt even acknowledge the chldrens mothers, causing a little friction....and from that incident, the mother said, from here on out, for the couple days a week, few hours each day that he has them, he can bring them in on his own. After that, when he picked the children up, the new gf wanted to change drop off location to a near by store, which in court order specifies drop offs are at the residence...mom refused and said the kids could be dropped off in the same fashion as they had been for the last two years.....the kids mother has put up with so much from the ex, doesnt deserve to be treated like this, and has gone with the flow ever since the court order was put in place, all she wants or has wanted was for the children to see each parent respecting each other, as she firmly believes from seeing them treat each other respect, that is how they will learn to treat others with respect....tough situation for mom, she was in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with the ex for years, she was happy to have this woman in the picture, but found out that the woman clearly doesnt care for the children as she thought she did.

Jodi - posted on 02/01/2013

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I don't understand how she could do it, but I do have to ask why the mother is trying to be so controlling about it too. Why won't the mother allow the girlfriend to do some of the drop off?

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