New here... Daughter wants to meet biological father

Kristen - posted on 08/28/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am new here... I didn't know which community to join as none of them touched on this topic. I have a 12, almost 13 yr old daughter who wants to meet her biological father. I got pregnant with her when i was 18. He has never really (was for 1 week until i stopped it) been in her life due to drug use and prison. He says he does not do any of that anymore and wants to meet her too. She now has a half brother that is about 6/7 months old. My husband wants to adopt my daughter as he loves her like his own. He is crushed. I want her to meet him because she has a lot of questions (as she should) but i have so much built up anger and sadness. I know it's the right thing to do. i just really need to talk to someone about this because obviously i cannot really talk to my husband without making him even more upset.... Any advise? Anyone else going through this?

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Ev - posted on 08/28/2013

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Kristen,

You are welcome.

And you said it in a nutshell. There are no promises to be made but the one that you are going to let her meet her bio father. That is all you can promise. You can promise her one more thing though: That no matter how this turns out that you love her and will be there to help her how she needs it.

As for picking up pieces for the kids, I have been there and done that for my own though not the same situation. My daughter is the oldest and for her I have had to set the whole situation as this is what it is and pick up the pieces because her dad and step mother did not like the choices she made on that situation. I have also had to do the same for my son though he is stronger than her in some ways. He does not let it get to him in the same way but at the same time it does hurt him. The only thing I can do is listen and advise them. I can not tell their dad how to run his house and to keep his promises, in the long run, when their dad does not follow through all the way it will be his mess to fix not mine.

So I do know about picking up pieces. Its not easy but it can be done. Just make sure that your promises are ones you can keep. Do not make ones you can not keep. When my kids wanted to do something, I did not make it a promise we would do that thing on that date but if things were just right we might be able to. That way they could expect to take that road trip or get to see that movie if the timing and money was right. If not yet, then later. There have been a few let downs along the way....but in the end things did work out. Stick with it. It will get better.

Kristen - posted on 08/28/2013

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Thanks Evelyn. I just talked to my husband again about the situation. He is supportive, his feelings are just hurt. He agrees that she needs to meet him. Just a sad situation so I don't like to talk about it with him. He doesn't say anything negative at all to her about all of this.

She will meet him. I am just so nervous. This may sound stupid but I just feel like... This sucks! I don't know how else to sum it up. Ya know, there are no guarantees. I can't promise my daughter that he is going to right by her. I can't promise that she will have a continuous relationship with him. I can't promise her anything. I hope and I pray that he is everything she wants him to be. That no matter the outcome her heart won't hurt. I'm scared that I am going to have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart just the idea of that, hurts so deeply!

Ev - posted on 08/28/2013

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I have not been through this myself but my sister has been through this. Her first husband denied their daughter (my niece) from the beginning and never saw her nor got in touch with her over the years. He also was in prison for years. His first cousin is married to our first cousin and his cousin tried to play the go between after he got out so he could met my niece and spend time with her like it was the cousin's business. Let's just say that he was not supposed to be around minors due to why he went to prison and it would not have worked out anyway until my niece was 18. He paid little child support during the course of one year. The cousin tried several times to get my sis to agree to meetings at various family events on her side of the family aka the father's side as well. My sis did not agree to it again due to the reasons behind prison and so on. She did tell her daughter about him and so she knew what was what and why. My niece was determined to go find him and meet him once her 18th birthday came around. Its come and gone and she has not met him yet as far as I know.

I would set up the meeting and let her see what he is like. Let her see for herself what kind of person he is. Do not deny her knowing her father even if it means one meeting and that ends it all.

AS for your husband now, be glad he has taken to your daughter and would love to make her his through adoption. But he needs to understand that if it was him he would want to have his questions answered as well. You have to talk to him about this. You could talk to the father and see if he would be willing to relinquish his rights so she could be adopted but its the father's choice to go through with it not yours or your husbands. If he does not give up rights to his daughter then your husband is going to have to deal with it but he should not make it hard on your daughter because he didn't get to do it his way. He knew what he was getting into when he married you.

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