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Doris - posted on 02/25/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have been wondering if there was some sort of support for mothers of grown children - specifically sons. Most of what I can find is about rearing children. Could use some wisdom from others particularly on dealing with daughter-in-laws. Also just support from other moms. My sons are 30 and 29.

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Raye - posted on 02/25/2015

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If you've talked to your son, and he's allowed the behavior to continue, maybe you should let it go. But if you can't let it go, you should pull your DIL aside and speak to her. Do it when you hear her making those comments in your home, not in theirs or else she may get more offended. Ask her why she makes those comments, because you're concerned about the way she speaks to her husband. Tell her you love her and you think she is a good person, but say that the child is going to grow up and think it's okay for people to talk like that to each other. Tell her that you're not trying to control her, and this is the only time you'll bring it up, but you wanted to mention it in case she wasn't aware of how others perceive her behavior. Then you really have to let it go. Hopefully she won't be nasty about it. And hopefully she will ease up on your son.

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Doris - posted on 02/25/2015

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Thank you for your advice. I do have to say that with my mothers in law (my ex's and my late MIL), I never belittled their sons to them. My son, who has always just been easy going, & DIL have been married over nine years and I am happy they have stability, especially with the baby. And I also have to say I love her and see good qualities in her. But I have to tell you sometimes it is so bad I feel like I bite my tongue until it bleeds. My husband (his stepdad) and his brother don't see them very often because it's hard for them to be around. Now that they have a baby boy, I have let her know how that she will always be his mother even after he is grown and married. As far as momma bear (in Dallas), she is my hero but I honestly don't understand why a mother should have to endure this. I suppose I'm looking for support if there are other mothers out there who have experienced this.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/25/2015

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I understand that you are still in 'momma bear' mode when it comes to your kids, but you have to let your son and his wife work out their differences without interfering. If you've mentioned to your son that you don't appreciate her treatment of him, then you've done what you can.

He needs to handle her on his own. You don't really know the entire dynamics of the relationship, either. You don't know if he gives as good as he gets when you're not around, and you only see her doing it...

He should be loyal to her. After all, they committed their lives to each other. That is to be expected, and very good to hear that they are honoring those commitments. I'm sure that, as you were raising him, you were very close, just as I am with my sons. However, just as I didn't appreciate my mother's attempts to butt into my relationship (with no firsthand knowledge of what happens in my relationship) I'm certain that my kids won't appreciate any attempts on my part to dictate what their relationships should be like.

My eldest has had women that I don't feel treat him very well. He puts up with it for as long as he's willing to, and then he handles it. I let him. Even though I'd like to put them in their places...because he's my kid...I know better.

This will hopefully get easier for you. Good luck!

Doris - posted on 02/25/2015

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How do others handle this? Daughter-in-law treats son disrespectfully frequently fussing at him and contradicting him. They do love each other. But it's hard to watch as a mom who loves her son. I'm afraid to say much because I'm afraid of being cut out of their lives - he is very loyal to her. Before they met and married, I considered my son and I very close.

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