New relationship, partner (no children) steps over the boundary

Veronica - posted on 04/23/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello,
I have a 3 year old son, father and I co parent under separate roofs.
Here's the story:
They man I am dating (33, no children) and I i have been seeing each other for 6 months. Due to finishing college full time and working part time, finances are tight. He rents a home and work was slow for him just being out of school. He was going to lose the house (3 bedroom) and my apt lease was up and being raised 200$ extra and could afford to renew the lease. So we decided to become roommates. (This is the mindset we were going into this with since this is a new relationship and I was not going to let my son think this is new daddy so I made sure to get it all out on the table before we agreed) My son had met my partner a few times breifly and knew him as mommys friend. My son loves to play with him and calls him his friend.
So my son and i took my partners two extra rooms. Our rules were: do not step over or question my parenting, when my son is over here 4-5 days of the week, we do not show affection or sleep in the same room. He may have suggestions but I am pretty much mommy and daddy since my son was born.
My partner understood and agreed 100%.
It is 2 months in, and there was a situation tonight (my son is at his dad's) where my partners dog destroyed two of my sons balls in the backyard. My patented said nothing and the dog did it right in front of us. I asked him if he was going to discipline his dog or even tell him NO. He went in saying how it is pointless and dogs have such short term memory. So I took a deep breath and said "guess I can't leave one thing that could be destroyed laying around" and my partner played victim.
There was another situation in the car the other day, I had an event at school where my partner was the model (finishing up beauty school) and (I drove in my car) we took my son to his grandmothers for 3 hours. In the car, my son got ahold of my temp liscence (preice of paper since I renewed mine) and crumbled it a bit. My partner yells at my son and I snaped back "do NOT raise your voice to my son" bc he stepped way over the line. My son started crying bc my partner shocked him. My partner and I had made it clear unless my son hits him or something like that, or I am not around, he may be stern with him to explain that is not ok. But in this situation he sounded like Mom. And I was not ok with it.
My oartner claims he loves me so much and wants more involvement with my son.
1. This is a very new relationship and he does not have that right.
He doesn't understand or huffs and puffs as if he deserves and does have that right.
He is very sensitive and I am strong headed.

I hope this all made sense. I'd like some advise or anything if anyone has been through a similar situation please please.

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Jodi - posted on 04/24/2015

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"guess I can't leave one thing that could be destroyed laying around"

Yep, pretty much. It's a dog. It's what dogs do. Your kid needs to not leave his things laying around outside. Perhaps get some kind of storage for outside that he can pack them up into when he is done playing with them. But getting upset at your partner because the dog did something that it naturally does is misdirected.

However, I do agree that your partner shouldn't be raising his voice to your son. But remember, we all sometime raise our voice if we get frustrated with something. he probably didn't mean to raise his voice.

Personally, I think the two of you moved in together way too soon, even if your intentions were for it to be as "roommates". Your partner is likely feeling a bit frustrated at having little to no authority in his house. But if this is the only incident, then maybe its an overreaction on your part.

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Raye - posted on 04/24/2015

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When I moved into my husband's house, I brought my dog with me. She is a good dog, but she started eating the kids socks, crayons, papers, etc. which she had never really done anything like that before. I felt bad, and I scold the dog when I catch it happening (if it's after the fact, then the dog will not understand what the scolding is for, but if you catch it while it's happening, they will eventually learn). I know my dog is stressed because of the kids, and I hope things settle down, but she's really old, and I think she's going senile. Anyway, back to your issues... His dog is probably stressed too, and acting out a little. And, yes, if you don't want it chewed on you should put it away. I have stopped feeling bad for my step-kids belongings that get destroyed because by now they should know better (she's limited to the main floor and their bedrooms, where they should keep their stuff, are upstairs), and I'm only worried about the intestinal issues it's caused for my dog.

As far as him parenting your child, the arrangement that my husband and I have for his kids is that he makes the rules and is responsible for dealing out punishments. I can help guide the kids according to his wishes, explain to them right and wrong, and ask them to do things like clean up after themselves. A request from me should be treated the same as a request from him, and he backs me up on it if they get cranky. I have not raised my voice to them, and I have not punished them except for taking away things that they were fighting over. In most states, step-parents have no legal rights as far as the kids go, and so should not go about trying to act like the natural parent or try to replace a parent who's not in the picture. And people to whom you're not even married have less rights. So, he should try to show your son love, and he should try to guide the boy according to your wishes, but he should leave all the discipline to you (unless you're not around and there is a dangerous situation that needs to be handled immediately like the child running out in the street or something). He should think of himself kind of like an uncle. He should be able to make suggestions to you (in private, never contradicting you in front of your son), and as you both get on the same page with parenting maybe he can take on a little bigger role. But don't rush it.

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