New Step Mom

Hope - posted on 11/20/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am a new step mom, and my new step son is 25 years old. I have two sons of my own, so raising boys is nothing new to me. But, I can honestly say that i can't stand this kid. He dropped out of college, won't work more than 20 hours per week, spends most of his time gaming, and expects that everyone will just bail him out. For the last 10 months, my husband ( of 1 month), completely supported him...provided a place to live, groceries, etc and never charged rent. He has an excuse for everything and never plans ahead. Over the last year, I found him job opportunities and job fairs and he just brushed them off.

This past week, he has moved away to go live with a girl in another state that he met online. I was rejoicing on the day he left! My husband has been in the "dumps" because of him leaving and because he knows that his decisions are horrible. I completely do not understand how he feels. I feel like it is a blessing that he left. But, there is no doubt in my mind that we will hear from him again soon, when he needs to be bailed out and can't pay his bills.

Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation? What is the best way to handle this without driving a wedge between me and my husband?

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MaryAnn - posted on 11/20/2015

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Its time for a reality check here. 25 is not a kid. Thia is a full grown adult we are talking about. And I know that given the timeline, at 25, I would have a hard time accepting you as a step mom, or really anything other than dad's wife.
Your issue here is not with your husbands son. Your issue is with your husband, and im pretty sure yourself. Youve rushed into this without a lot of foresight.
You can do two things. You could talk to your husband, help him come up with ways to support his son that dont involve funding his obscene lifestyle... But that may not be well received. Or. You could protect your finances by keeping them separate, which you may end up needing to do either way.
You cant change a 25 year old man. Your husband can help him help himself by refusing to enable this... But your husband has to really want it.

Sarah - posted on 11/20/2015

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If all of the dynamics were apparent to you prior to your marriage; why did you not negotiate a change in the the way he was treating his adult son? I am not saying you shouldn't have married the man, but rather discuss the plan for his son. If your new spouse feels strongly about support his offspring no matter the age, then that was a topic for before you said "I do". You are his step mom, and at 25 he should not nee your parenting. How old are your boys?

Raye - posted on 11/20/2015

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Your husband is an enabler, and you married him anyway. So, it's kind of past the point where you would have any leverage on whether you will allow that kind of thing in your life... because you've been allowing it, too.

That being said, your husband should understand that he's really NOT helping his son by allowing that behavior to continue. 25 years old is WAY old enough for the son to be out in the world and succeeding or failing on his own. Yes, parents should not just leave their kids stranded, but the kid needs to be willing to work on the issues and get back on their feet. The son is an adult, and needs to act that way.

I understand how you can feel relief that he's gone, but if he's still not making good choices, then it's really nothing to be happy about. The best thing would be for him to stay gone. If he doesn't, you have to decide if it's worth putting your foot down.

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Hope - posted on 11/20/2015

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Thanks for your input. In my gut,I know you are right. Somehow, I have to accept things and try to influence things as I can. But, it is really difficult. Especially, when all the other children in the family are busting their butts and are not getting a free ride.

Hope - posted on 11/20/2015

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Thank you for your comments. My sons are both in college, but are younger than the 25 year old. They do what is expected of them, and they know if they don't perform in school then they have to get FT jobs.

My husband verbally agrees with me and actually feels angry a lot about the way his son goes through life. But, then when the heat of the moment passes, he feels sorry for him. I think that if he helps him "one more time" that something will miraculously will change.

Dove - posted on 11/20/2015

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You married a man who is coddling his adult son and expect things to be different?! lol You've been married to the man for a MONTH... what were you thinking? Did you think you could just join the family and change everything? It's not your place and it's honestly none of your business. YOU willingly stepped into the situation... accept it or leave.

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