New Stepmom needs advice for dealing with an explosive biomom

JDF - posted on 07/08/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )




I need advice. Here's the background:

I recently married the man of my dreams. He has a precious 5 year old son from his first marriage. I have been in the child's life since he was two. I love both of them dearly. My stepson lives with us every other weekend and every Wednesday night.

Since I came into my husband's life, and my stepson's life (it was not simultaneous - we waited six months before I met the child and was sure the relationship would be long term), the biomom has been explosive, unpredictable and vicious. The biomom regularly tells my stepson to call me "That Mean Girl" and tells him that his father does not love him. She has vandalized my car. (I reported it to the police, who questioned her, but upon her denial said nothing could be done.) She calls me a whore in front of the child (we have this on video). She yells and screams to the extent that it is traumatizing my stepson. This poor five year old often asks why his mother cannot get along with me and calls her a "mean mommy" and a "grumpasourus." It is apparent my stepson is very stressed by the situation, when my husband picks him up from her house, he gets very worried that his mother will start yelling and always asks if she will get made if xyz. I don't go to my stepson's school/sports events because the one time I tried to attend his t-ball game, she saw my on the opposite side of field, said "no f****** way is that whore here" in front of the child, pulled her son's arm toward the car, and made him miss his game as he was crying uncontrollably. (We have that entire episode on video as well). She violates the parenting agreement by scheduling events/vacations during my husband's time and does not let him make up the missed days. She does not notify my husband of extracurricular and school events, and he has missed several because of lack of notice.

I have often contemplated writing her an email, asking to meet one on one. (The only time we have had face to face contact is when she drove by my house, rolled down the window, and yelled that I'm a whore and an f****** slut with her then-three year old in the back seat - he still talks about that incident). My husband tells me that nothing good will come of it if I try to extend an olive branch.

I really don't know what to do. In the four years my husband and I have been together, things have gotten worse, not better. We are trying to have a child, and I worry how things will explode once a new little one is on the way. I want peace for my stepson (and for my husband and I). I worry about the little guy. It's clear this is having a hugely negative effect on him. Thoughts?


Jodi - posted on 07/08/2015




Firstly, your husband needs to file for contempt if she is violating orders. He also needs to make sure it is in the orders that your husband is notified of school events, etc, and if she is violating it, file contempt. He also needs to contact a lawyer with evidence of what she is doing (you have it on video) - what she is doing is emotional abuse and is actually alienation of a parent. Whatever you do, do NOT take it upon yourself to contact her.

Raye - posted on 07/08/2015




I would also say NOT to write the letter to this woman. It won't help. Your "olive branch" may just feed the flames. If you could get her to join in on family counseling, that would be different, as there would be an impartial party there to (hopefully) keep the situation in check. But, one-on-one is a bad idea. She's obviously hurting in her own way, and she doesn't have the maturity to handle it gracefully. It's sad, and it's harmful to those around her.

The mother needs to understand that her behavior is not hurting you (or not ONLY you), but that she's doing damage to her son. If you have evidence that this behavior is going on, and have documented the times she's violated the parenting agreement, then you need to present that to the court. A parent should never try to coerce their child to hate someone or call anyone names. The boy apparently knows his mother is wrong if he says that SHE's the mean mommy. But that's small consolation. Given enough time she could convince him otherwise. It needs to stop.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/08/2015




Beings that all of you are lawyers, you know how important it is to have an impartial party involved. Seek a wonderful family lawyer, and get that little boy into counseling. It would be beneficial for the entire family to have counseling. If this women is truly that abusive, then this should be easy.


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JDF - posted on 07/08/2015




Thanks for your reply. I agree that he needs to take her to court. I have been pushing him toward that for years now. I think he is worried that the initiation of court proceedings will only further incite her craziness. I will keep encouraging him to seek court intervention, but the courts in our state favor mothers very heavily. (All three of us - the husband, biomom, and I are lawyers - and I think this may have some bearing on why we having taken that step yet).

Dove - posted on 07/08/2015




Your husband needs to take his evidence to court... now. That poor boy is being emotionally abused by his mother and it looks like the court is going to need to step in and stop her.

Do not write a letter to this woman. Do not speak to her or try and contact her in anyway.

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