Sara - posted on 04/25/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )
Hi there. I need some serious insight into this very difficult and complicated situation.
My children have recently acquired a new step-mother. This is their first step parent. Background: This woman used to be on of our babysitters, after our divorce, over this past summer. She is also a teacher at my children's elementary school. She is 20 years younger than their father. She also had a miscarriage last spring, apparently with some other man. She and my ex dated about four months and then gave the kids a day to process that they were married. (Conveniently right before our custody hearing)
She's been their step-mother for less than 20 days. She has already put them on her insurance, without talking to me first. I know they don't need my consent, but considering I've had the children's insured for the last 5 years or more by myself, a discussion would have been appropriate. That is co-parenting and being respectful.
But what is most alarming is she is referring to herself as their mother, not their step-mother, not only to strangers, but to the children. They don't want to correct her because she is apparently very sensitive about this. They have already talked to the children about them having a baby, too. Please keep in mind they have been dating FOUR months before getting married.
I am afraid that all of this is happening so fast, and the children aren't being given proper time to adjust and absorb and feel. I am also increasingly alarmed at the boundaries that are being crossed, and at the lack of willingness to effectively co-parent. I have relayed my concerns to the children's father for months now, since they started dating. Most recently about her role as their step-mother. He refuses to address these concerns.
Their father and I have a very contentious relationship, as there is a history of abuse. He recently went behind my back and went to court to try to take my children away from me, giving the court a wrong address for me, so I didn't receive the summons. That final court date was this past week and we got 50/50. Before, for 3 years, he didn't have any custody because of the abuse. I was apprehensive to revisit custody terms legally because I felt he wasn't stable, and even up until this past October, he was saying how he wanted me back. Now he's married, has legal power, and his new wife is seemingly wanting to take over. Plus I feel like both of them lied to me a great deal during the time she was our babysitter. They were each saying the other was crazy, and so I finally fired her because it just got too weird.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be the crazy ex and hate on the step-mom, but I am seriously concerned for my children here, and of both of their intentions. I have welcomed his previous girlfriends into my children's lives, btw. It's just with this one, she seems a little off, a little desperate, and she deceived me when she was sitting for me, as I feel all along it was an attempt to get to their father, and my family. I'm not sure if I should try talking to her directly. I'm just not sure where to go from here. Help!!