new to this dad thing ..I dig it... but have no clue

Clayton - posted on 05/27/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Ok so firstly, I'm not a mom. Technically, I'm not a dad either. However, i met a girl who has a son and the two of them have kinda made me reevaluate my goals and priorities in life. I literally have no clue as to what I'm doing though. I've spent most of my adult life in the Marines and have difficulties in sharing the nurturing and sympathetic attitudes that comes naturally to my girlfriend. Subsequently I took a proverbial shot of estrogen and joined this site. OK so questions...
#1 his dad has never been in the picture which is great for me. I'll gladly take his place. however, my kid is jealous as hell. I didn't know 2 year Olds could even be jealous. But like he will take my hand and pull me away from her often. I give him a lots of attention and we always play ball and wrestle but how do I squash the jealousy?
#2 speaking of wrestling ... umm.. I let him watch the avengers and an action movie while my gf was at the store and we play rough a lot ...(probably my favorite time with him).. and now he's hitting kids at the playground. hes a mini chuck norris now ... its kinda funny to me but i know its bad ...How do I undo this?
#3 sleep. He will cry and cry and cry until he vomits at night. he has a set routine and everything. But he will stop when I come back in his room but when I leave he will cry again. But I've never seen a kid cry until they're sick. He won't stop until he's in the bed with us ...this is seriously impairing my playtime with mommy so I need to figure this one out like pronto. nap time rendevues aren't always enough lol. Hope that doesn't come out wrong.
All in all I'm trying to lighten her load a bit without looking like I have no idea what I'm doing. Even though I don't. I want her to be confident in my abilities. The dad websites arent really as orriented towards kids and i feel like most if them are as inexperienced as i am. ...also he will be two sat and I'm getting him a power wheel ..(the jeeps that run on batteries).... too young? Any pointers would be appreciated

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2015

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It sounds like you really want to be a part of this family. That is wonderful.

BUT, age appropriate TV is necessary at any age, and the programs you are choosing probably are not the best. If you are uncertain what you can watch with him, ask his mother.

It is completely normal for a 2 year old to want his mother all to himself. He has been with his mom alone well before you came along, so let them have their time. The relationship between them will always be strong. Building your own separate relationship with him will be your own bond. At the same time, you will be building a relationship as a family.

Don't let the boy cry it out in his room. Talk to his mom about suggestions or what she would like done in this situation.

As far as alone time in the bedroom, well you will have that. BUT, I grew up as a step child. I grew up never being able to climb in bed with my mom when I had a nightmare, or during a thunderstorm, or when I was sick. I resented that quite a bit. Don't be that guy. Just don't. He is only 2....and will just grow up from here. This is time missed for mom and the little guy. If he is used to being able to climb in bed with mom for comfort, why should that change? Cause you want sex? He comes first.

As for the power wheel, those can be dangerous if they go fast and hit something. They could flip out, hurt their necks, etc. Find one that is appropriate for his age and weight....or find a different present.

Good luck with everything. Sounds like you are in it to win it!

Also, I have to ask......are you guys going to tell the boy you are his father? That never ends well. Especially if the bio dad comes around. Please don't lie to the boy.

Raye - posted on 05/28/2015

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Oh, and for the Power Wheel, read the box to see if it's recommended for such young kids (like the Fisher Price Lil' Quad). Maybe he's mature enough to handle it, maybe not. If you do get it, make sure he has lots of room to drive it around and that you're close by to instruct him and help him if he has trouble.

Raye - posted on 05/28/2015

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Clayton, sounds like you really care for the mom and the kid. I hope everything works out for you. Don't worry too much about making mistakes... all parents make mistakes. Do try to keep things age appropriate with the movies and such. I'm sure you wanted some bonding time with the kid while also getting to do something you wanted to do, but as Ledia said, young kids don't understand that it's just a movie.

The jealousy will go away. When I became a step-mom (no kids of my own), the kids were older than your girlfriends son and understood the situation a little better, but they still had little bouts of jealousy. They really liked me, and they liked that their dad wasn't as grumpy all the time, but they would sit between us on the couch or do other things to command attention from their dad. He was/is always very good at showing them affection, and it got better.

Wrestling.. I don't know much about that, so I can't really say. My step kids are 8 and 10 and they still fight with each other. They don't do it much at school, although my SS has occasionally hit a boy that is bullying him. Just let him know that he needs to play gently with other kids.

Sleep... my SS was/is very attached to his dad, and dad was lonely after the divorce and let the kids sleep in bed with him a lot. I completely agree about needing some adult time once the kiddo's go to bed, and so that had to change. My husband (then BF) gradually started weaning them from sleeping in his bed, and after we got married, it went to only nightmares and big storms. He will read to the kids in our bed, then snuggle the kids in their own beds, then come back to our bed for our snuggle time. That doesn't stop my SS from knocking on the door every once in a while wanting to sleep with us, but my husband will tuck him back in his own bed and lay with him for a while and then come back. Kids do learn. It takes patience and understanding.

I wish you good luck. I think you'll do great.

Ledia - posted on 05/28/2015

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:) I meant don't hurt him emotionally by getting him all attached then leaving him....sometimes when mom falls for a new guy, the child falls for him too. Then when mom and new guy have an argument or disagreement, or they break up, the kid is scared, hurt, or heartbroken too, but no one really thinks about it because it is "Mommy's relationship" and the kid is just an appendage.

It sounds like you are considering your relationship with the child separately from your relationship with his mom, but also as just as important. That's very cool :) Good Luck with popping the question!

Just wait until he wakes you up in the morning by shoving a sword shaped drink stirrer (or something else equally sharp and pointy) up your nose. I'm pretty sure that was the morning I KNEW I would love my husband for the rest of our lives :)

Clayton - posted on 05/27/2015

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Btw Im in the market for a ring if that helps illustrate my intentions ... ;)

Clayton - posted on 05/27/2015

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Lol I couldn't hurt this kid if I wanted to ..like the way he yells my name when I get off work and come over turns me into an emotional babbling dumbas$. even when he head butts me in the nuts or wakes me up at 5am with a woffleball bat to the face ..I still feel like I've never had anyone I felt needed and wanted me so much. That's the funny part last year I was chasing women in bars and doing the bachelor thing and now I'm putting together overly complicated strollers Happier than I've ever been in my life. It also helps that, to me, his mom is smoking hot. haha having a kid does awesome things to the hips lol. Anyway ok well I'm glad I didn't create the next ufc fighter already. We won't start boxing till 9 or 10 I guess. And that makes me feel cool he likes me being there I just thought he was just happy I wasn't in the bed with his mom. But sure as hell everytime I go in there he stops and we'll play cars or something that doesnt get him energized until he's sleepy again. But hurt him? That's almost funny... I think I'm the only one that runs a risk of getting hurt .. they might not know it yet but I'm here to stay if they keep me around. Lol now, i couldn't imagine going back to where I was last year. That really is an empty place to be.

Ledia - posted on 05/27/2015

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Well....you sort of came into the picture at a difficult time, but don't let that scare you off!

1. Jealousy. You can't really nip that, she has to do it. He's not jealous of you giving her attention, he's jealous of her giving you attention. The best thing for her to do is to make sure he is getting some one on one attention EVERY DAY.....It sucks, but she needs time with him, without you. About 15 to 20 minutes a day is fine--as long as he knows it is HIS TIME and nothing is going to get in the way of it. Once he is confident he will always get his time with mommy, he won't be so jealous of you getting your time with mommy.....it could take a while. 2 year olds do NOT have good long term memory or cognitive skills yet--all he sees is "Mommy won't have time for me because she needs time for this new guy" He doesn't know he's missing a dad yet because he's never had one.

2. Violence on the playground. That isn't from the Avengers movie; it is very normal at his age, the timing just coincided perfectly. That said, watch the violence in the movies. At 2 years old, his mind is still not good at differentiating between real and make believe. He will not know that these very realistic movies are not examples of how we should behave in real life. You haven't done any serious damage, but curb the violent movies....in fact, curb TV all together--not good for them.

3. Sleep. He likes you. You are new, you provide a sense of security he hasn't had before. When he cries, go in and comfort him. The more you do it as soon as he cries, the more confident he will become that you will come when he needs you, and the less he will feel like he needs to cry to make sure you are still around. Essentially, he loves you and he wants to make sure you are going to stick around. When you leave, he doesn't know if or when you will come back, so he cries. If he cries and you don't come, he feels sadder. If he cries and you come, he feels happy. If he cries and you ALWAYS come, he will eventually learn that even though you leave him every night, you will come back if he needs you, and you will be there in the morning, and once he learns that, he'll cry less. It takes a while. See the above about long term memory and cognitive skills.

Be patient, and don't hurt this kid. :)

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