Newly Married Son is leaving us out of his new life

Jacklynn - posted on 10/18/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I am a mother of a newly married son. He was married earlier this year in the spring. He was with his new wife for nearly 7 years and although she is a little younger than he is, we figured it was time for him to settle down. He has his Masters degree and she is working on hers at this time. They live 3 hours away from us and the very minute the wedding was over things changed. She totally runs him and our relationship has really changed. All the things in the past are coming up and he is blaming us *mostly his father" for a lot of the issues in the past. He had a lot of trouble in his younger and college years, (2 DUI's) in jail 2 times for that, he had a gambling problem (online) and spent money he did not have to play. He even stole the money from us to pay his online gambling bills. My husband always bailed him out and went to court with to talk to the judge to possibly lower the charges. He did usually have to pay the fine, and lost a few jobs over being put in jail for the DUI's. After his last stint in jail (9 years ago) he totally turned himself around and started his career. He was living in a different city and we didn't see much of him, due to schedules of work, etc. but he was always around for the holidays, and always called on special days like birthdays, etc. He called us 2 months into his marriage and said he made a mistake and they were going to split up. Well, we were of course upset, but were more concerned about him (even through all he has done, you are always going to try and love and support your child no matter what the age) We told him to take care and be careful, and please please do not have sex with her unless he used protection. They had always talked of having children right away. Well, the separation didn't last too long, and really that is their business, I have no idea why, but they are back together. Since then, he is shutting us out totally of his life, no calls, no emails. nothing. Of course we are worried about him (and her really) and just want to know what is going on. Now we find out that that has has resigned from his current job of 9 years and will have no job in a month or so. She has no job to speak of, and not a lot of money will be coming in to their household. We have given and loaned him money through the years to get him out of his ordeals, and helped with his downpayment of the house he currently has. Not to mention the amount we spent on the wedding rehearsal, gifts, lodging, apparel, and help with other odds and ends of their wedding (to the tune of 5,000) we knew it was the part of the grooms parents to do that and we did. Again, since their marriage we have had no contact with her, she has him now and he obviously is either in a dire situation with her and can't leave, or is afraid to leave and now we find out about his job being over with in a month. He was the breadwinner of the family, and I have no idea how they will make it. I know my husband is being blamed for things through the years that happened between them and she is pushing it all along too. He actually hung up on me 2 times when I tried to call him a month ago or so. Now, all I need to know is what to do. It is very very hurtful to me and I am not a meddling person since I live out of state. I sure do not feel welcome there and I am sure that the upcoming hoildays will bring more hurt to us. They will not show up I am sure. There is so much more that I could write, but will let it go for now. Many many more issues that are currently going on, like no communication between his only sibling who lives away too. They used to be close, but the son is not a fan of the new wife and she him, for what reaons I do not know. The other sons girlfriend is a sweet heart and has never done anything to the new wife, but was treated like a dog at their wedding and the bride did not want her in any of the pictures that were professionally taken. I asked the photographer to take one of us all, since I know the other son and his girlfriend will be married eventually. I am at my wits end and I guess I need some professional help over this. This son is really a great person with a wonderful personality who people love, (even through all the troubles he has been in) he is still a good person and has rectified his drinking problems of which I am very proud of. But she has changed him. She has him going to a therapist weekly and he is on medication now. I feel I don't know him and I of course feel he sure doesn't want us. He told me in his last commnunication to me that I need to make myself happy, and it wasnt' up to HIM to make me happy. I was floored since I see him 4 times a year max and never ever hear from him. Unless he wants help from us or for his Dad to give him advice on repairs, etc. So... where do I go with this? Thank you.. I just can't give up on him, I feel he is really in a bad place and to resign from a good job and lose everthing is only going to make it worse.

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Jacklynn - posted on 10/18/2014

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One more thing, we moved to a great community when he was in 1st grade and he graduated from this same comunity. He did great in school and had great grades, got into some good colleges, but once he got to the college he started hanging out with the crowd who did drugs, drinking, etc. Not to say he didn't do that in high school beause he did. He lied and got away with a lot, (and I will admit I let him go away to concerts all over the country, with groups of friends) He and his father had a decent relationship I thought. A little more than a typical teen son and father one, they did verbally fight, my husband did not abuse him, other than verbally at times, not taking his side, but he doesn't even know who his father is, he was adopted. and worked many many hours to keep us in the lifestyle that we wanted. He had a car, clothes, food, and anything he really needed or wanted. He did work in high school some and was a respected member of his class and had many friends.

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