Newly Single Mother- Childs last name

Angellyyyy - posted on 04/29/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

8

0

2

With ex for 1.5 yrs. He was living with me for 1yr. He has 2 Little girls from a failed relationship ( HS sweetheart).
We planned our pregnancy, engagement, etc. Found out we were pregnant Dec 2014, found out its a boy ( what he always wanted) March 2015.

I never met his other kids until recently: his reasoning has changed from- he wanted to wait til our 1yr (was in Jan), to he wanted to make sure our rocky relationship stabalized until I met them. That made sense until we were planning to concieve back in OctNov.
Recently, he sent me a text that seemed more for his daughters mom than me ( using a nickname he calls his kids), and I went off about it and asked hin to stay at his mothers a few days ( something he does frequently when he gets angry).
He tried dumping me over the voicemail then. I told him lets see how we both feel a week from then. We decided to work things out, and then we got into an argument after I met his daughters and their mother two weeks later. That was when I learned he still wasnt ready for me to meet his daughters even though Im carrying their sibling.
I asked for space again- and he broke up with me, saying he was tired of me questioning him.

Fast Forward A week: we have been talking about our son. He got upset that I wasnt giving him attention- he also asked if there was ever a chance of us getting back together. I told him Hell no.
He was then coming over to get the rest of his belongings.
We ended up talking about things and he rubbed my belly.
He got angry when I stated that our son would have both last names, since he is being raised in two households. He Said that Im insulting him and that I always get what I want since Im the "Mother".
Ive tried negotiating visitation to accomodate him, he never had feedback with times other than "If I have gas money ". I tried to explain that if I were to get married my Name would drop off and the child Would Still Have His last Name.
He Has Gotten More Aggressive- showing Up Uninvited since We Both Said Some Not So Nice Things in This Argument ( him saying that I never loved him...me telling him to grow up).

Sorry this is long but I was wondering if anyone Else Has Given Their Son Both Last Names?

Im Still Looking To Do So

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ev - posted on 04/29/2015

8,004

7

918

That is why I said that she needs to set up custody, visitation, and child support ASAP.

Ev - posted on 04/29/2015

8,004

7

918

Well, that is a hard one to deal with. It sounds like maybe he might have not been ready for a new relationship and another child yet. But that is past and you have a child coming soon. If he is not there to stop you from filling out the birth certificate with both names then do it. He does not have to like it but it will be what it will be. But do yourself a favor: SET custody, visitation and child suppoort up as soon as possible.

Belinda - posted on 04/29/2015

21

39

5

I have several students that have both last names. I teach high school so by this age they usually like to go by one name. Most of them choose the name of the parent that was there for them. When the couple has a good relationship with their child, then the child goes by both names. I also have students who only have the father's name but choose to be called by the mom's last name. Ultimately it is up to you. I do think you need to make sure that you have documentation on when and where your ex can see his son to avoid yourself any more problems.

11 Comments

View replies by

Angellyyyy - posted on 05/01/2015

8

0

2

Thanks

U write a lot of positive stuff in there for him to read and keep him motivated in life :)

Angellyyyy - posted on 05/01/2015

8

0

2

I spoke with him many times about how we were doing, and if we should wait. He took it as me not wanting a baby, when I did but not if we both didn't want it to happen yet.
He then goes on to say that he wants to get married, I'm the one he wants to be with, and he wants me to have his child. He had been saying this after the arguments and before the arguments for over 8 months.
I thought we could move on from the arguments.
What I am saying is if I knew sooner how he felt (instead of two weeks ago), I would've made a better decision.
I'm not taking the blame for him not being honest about his feelings, or how he puts it- not needing to tell me "everything". He's an adult and should act like one and communicate.
How am I to blame for not knowing how my partner truly felt about us until he finally revealed it 5 months into the pregnancy?
Please read in my initial post that his reasoning for me meeting his children has changed over the last 5 months- so it's hard to believe if this is even his real reason.

Also, this really isn't about him or me anymore it's about our son and him having two last names (the initial reason for this post)
I think I'll take Evelyn and Belinda s advice and give him both.

He deserves it.

Jodi - posted on 05/01/2015

3,562

36

3907

"Plus, if he wouldve told me sooner he was waiting until the relationship stabalized, I would've waited on the baby making. "

Sorry, but you have to take some responsibility here too. You ALSO shouldn't have considered any baby making until the relationship stabilised. This was not only his responsibility.

"Doesnt seem fair that he would want to bring a baby into this if he was waiting on the relationship to be more stable. "

Are you saying you couldn't tell the relationship wasn't stable? I find this hard to believe. You have no right to blame him entirely for the situation you have found yourself in. You both have equal responsibility here.

Angellyyyy - posted on 05/01/2015

8

0

2

I didn't mind waiting to meet his kids. And I wouldve waited too had I known that he was waiting for the relationship to "stabalize"

The issue with that is that we werent arguing for 6 months. He said he didnt even think about that time. Plus, if he wouldve told me sooner he was waiting until the relationship stabalized, I would've waited on the baby making. Doesnt seem fair that he would want to bring a baby into this if he was waiting on the relationship to be more stable. Why Am I just finding out how he really feels- 5 mos pregnant???

Tara Lou - posted on 05/01/2015

42

0

4

Hi, I have given both my son's mine and their fathers last name, it's a triple barrelled name. It should be ok with him for you to do that. I done it for a totally ddifferent reason though, I have a very big immediate family and wider family, females definitely out weigh the males and gave my sons my surname to carry it on when they marry but also wanted their fathers name as I believe I should of.

Jodi - posted on 05/01/2015

3,562

36

3907

"he wanted to make sure our rocky relationship stabalized until I met them"

Why is that a problem? Seems like a sensible decision to me. Everyone should wait until their relationship is stabilised before they introduce kids into it. You carrying his baby has little to do with it. You don't bring children into a volatile and unstable relationship. End of story.

With regard to the last name, I see no harm in both names. He also has some growing up to do.

Ev - posted on 04/30/2015

8,004

7

918

" I have also kept a journal that I planned on giving our son when he's older. I feel like it would explain everything better to him than me and his father "trying to remember" what happened."

i love this quote! You are the first mom that I have read posts from that decided to do this one thing for their child. Your child is going to appreciate this when they get older.

Angellyyyy - posted on 04/30/2015

8

0

2

Thanks for responding- I told him I was willing to wait on a baby- before we conceived.
He was the one who wanted a baby- always talking about him wanting me to have his son. I've known I've wanted to be a mommy for over 2 years, but I wanted to make sure this was really what he wanted.

Just yesterday he says, he doesn't regret getting me pregnant, and would like to work things out with me- but honestly, I don't trust him. (I have my reasons). He has barely contributed to his son since conception, and I have been handling finances while he go and follow his "dream".

Now after the argument today, he's saying he wants to forfeit his rights as father (all over last name) because he can't talk/work with me. He's asked that I not contact him or his family and that he will contact me with "financial support". I told him- he'd have to do that legally, and that the courts have to decide the outcome.

Honestly, I'm very hurt and upset- not so much about him walking out on me and trying to come back, but that he would "forfeit being a father" to the son he says he always wanted and now has.

It's not fair to our son how he's acting, but I will still give him both last names. My son deserves to know who his father is, and his father's family. I have also kept a journal that I planned on giving our son when he's older. I feel like it would explain everything better to him than me and his father "trying to remember" what happened.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms